8/3/16

Meanwhile, at the League of Doom!!!


A sinister cabal of League of Doom evildoers convene at the Hall of Injustice in a galaxy far far away to discuss their dastardly schemes for world annihilation!!! You will be amazed by these fiendish masterminds and their demonic plans for the destruction of the earth as we know it and for the end of all things good, decent, and humane!!! Will their hideous plots succeed? Will there be time to save humanity from these heinous villains? Or has the countdown to Doomsday already begun? Read on!!!


A cylindrical chamber rises from a hatch in the polished marble floor of the Hall of Injustice. The doors slide open. As the smoke clears we see the figure of Donaldo Trumpatron, evil mastermind of mayhem!! DA-DA-DA-DAAAAAA! He removes his solarium goggles and steps out of his RDC (Radioactive Decadence Chamber) messily eating a massive glowing Trumpatron Steak™ with his bare hands. Convening this League of Doom meeting is Count Dracula, who will be joined by other legendary villains as they counsel, advise, and consult their earthly proteges.

Count Dracula: “Ah welcome, Trumpatron! I trust you had another glorious radioactive degeneration session?”

Trumpatron: “Not bad, really not bad, and I can say that because anybody who knows me knows that you don’t get this kind of radioactive orange face with a white raccoon mask around these beady little eyes without putting in some serious hours on an expensive and pointless tanning bed, hours that would otherwise be wasted on trying to figure out where the hell Syria is on a map, or why we don’t just nuke China instead of wasting our time on all that stupid liberal ‘diplomacy’ bullcrap that Washington insiders seem to be so keen on. Let me tell you something Count, when I’m leader of the free world, I promise that I will not only nuke China, I will use my hyperbolic negotiation powers to make them build and pay for the bomb that I nuke them with. They do build things cheaper there after all, so it’s also good economics. Although I will also tax the shit out of anything from China, so American companies better not get any ideas about building all our nukes over there. We need to keep those jobs in America where they belong. How’s that for a campaign pledge?”

Count Dracula: “I love it, Donaldo! It’s simplistic without being simple! It’s sophistry without sophistication! It’s casuistry without a case! It’s common sense in the most common of senses! Brilliant! Ah! Here are your fellow League of Doom villains arriving now! Welcome Erdogtator! Welcome Bladdersmear Putane! Everything still delightfully doomed and getting doomier by the day in Turkey and Russia I hope?”

Erdogtator: “Frighteningly bad! The economy is struggling, industry has ground to a halt, exports dropping, foreign investment fleeing, international standing plummeting, unemployment rising, labor rights disappearing, tensions mounting, terror surging, society fraying, religious extremism soaring, a civil war in the making, witch hunts, jingoism, lynchings, intolerance and persecution of any and all opinions not approved by the government... So all in all, I would say things are going pretty well! I have taken the future of a nation and I have single-handedly crushed it in my hands! HAHAHA!!”

Count Dracula: “Yes, excellent…. but I couldn’t help but notice a slight inconsistency there at the end of your devilish delivery, Erdogtator. I don’t mean to be persnickety but how can you single-handedly crush with your hands in the plural? It’s like a Zen koan. You know the sound of crushing a nation with two hands, what is the sound of crushing a nation with one hand? That kind of thing.”

Erdogtator: “What’s the difference? It all makes the same crushing noise, does it not? It’s all the same delicious destruction! Okay, two hands might crush more forcefully, I get it, but the one hand can also… anyway, it’s just a metaphor. Maybe I have a single giant hand that is all-powerful and can crush as effectively as two medium hands? Let’s drop it. I am not used to such questioning, so next time you have to ask questions will you please just do what I make journalists in my own country do upon threat of imprisonment and ask only what appears to be a question but which is really just a set-up for me to spew more bilious propaganda to forward my acidic agenda through a shackled media that is under my firm grip please? Thank you!”

Count Dracula: “Yes yes, of course. Excuse me Erdogtator, I know none of you like to be challenged or questioned in any substantial way. I apologize. And how are you doing today Bladdersmear? How is your immense realm doing these days? Withering under a noxious cloud of fumes emanating from yourself as always?”

Putane: “Yes indeed. It is under a constant Putane gas cloud, not to boast. The country remains a massive shit smear of corruption, violence, decadence, mismanagement, alcoholism, xenophobia, and fascism that would leave the shittiest of countries gasping for lack of air. The Putane is everywhere.”

Count Dracula: “Excellent, my Tsar in the making, excellent.”

The Hall of Injustice suddenly reverberates with the sound of a massive toilet flushing. A door on the other side of the hall opens. Darth Vader walks out wiping his hands with a paper towel before heading towards the enormous pentagram-shaped table where the other League of Doom villains are seated.

Count Dracula: “Ah, here comes Darth Vader. Small disclaimer, you know how he can get a little touchy about his morning bathroom routine, he really does have a hard time with it all so he can be in a bit of a foul mood if…”

Darth Vader: “Count Dracula, the acoustics in here really are amazing, I can here you from the other side of the hall as if you were talking right into my ear... plus, you know, the Force.”

Count Dracula: “Ah yes, I was just warning them to…”

Darth Vader: “Silence! You tell every single villain who comes in here the same thing, whispering it to them like it’s a dirty secret as if I can’t hear you. Remember when you had Kim Jong Un in here with Sepp Blatter and the IOC? How awkward was that? So let me just get this out there once and for all: I HAVE BOWEL PROBLEMS. Okay? I HAVE A HARD TIME SHITTING. Okay? And guess what else? This suit I have to wear is a massive pain in the ass to take on and take off just so I can take a shit. You’d think I could just press one of these control buttons on my chest and a trap door from my pants would just flap open from under me so I could just shit out of it and then when I’m done I could just press the button again and it would close and I could be on my way. But no. I am a half robot with a state of the art suit that virtually breathes for me, but I can’t even get my pants off to take a shit. Oh also, if any of you can manage to avoid having to wipe your asses while wearing a full metal helmet mask and a cape, take advantage of that opportunity. It is almost literally the hardest thing you will ever do. And people wonder why I’m in a bad mood all the time. So now that we have all that sorted out, can we get on with life?”

Count Dracula: “Yes, yes of course Lord Vader. I’m sorry, I just…”

Trumpatron: “Excuse me for butting in, no pun intended, but you would think with the Force being so strong with you and all, your bowel problems could just…”

Darth Vader: “Just what? What do you know about the Force? Do you think the Force can just magically dissolve shit out of my bowels and into thin air? The Force cannot dispose of a fat turd. You know what can? An anus. Preferably one that isn’t wrapped in an airtight Kevlar spacesuit. So let’s shut the fuck up about my butt now and focus on you shitheads.”

Trumpatron, Erdogtator, and Putane seem indignant and surprised at having been called shitheads.

Darth Vader: “Oh no, what’s the matter? Did I hurt your feelings? Are you guys not used to being called shitheads? Well get used to it. You can’t imprison me, you can’t torture me, you can’t assassinate me, you can’t blame everything on Jews or Armenians or Mexicans or whoever the fuck you don’t like, and you sure as fuck can’t complain to the obsequious ass licking yes men you surround yourselves with. Okay? I could literally strangle you all with my brain. So you dick knobs better swallow your megalomania, curb your psychopathic urges, and tame your delusions of grandeur. It’s me, Darth Fucking Vader. I’m not a pissy little NGO, I’m not a shitty little intellectual dissident, I’m not a scuzzy little journalist, and I’m sure as fuck not the hippy dippy leader of a pro-democracy movement or some whining opposition party. I am a Sith Lord. You know what that means? That means I am second only to Satan when it comes to evil powers. And guess what else? I come from a Galaxy that is not only far far away, I come from a galaxy that is far far better than yours. Guess what the most advanced space ship in your galaxy is. Guess. Anybody? Okay I’ll tell you: a space shuttle. A fucking space shuttle. And it hasn‘t even gone as far as the Moon. Let me tell you what the worst spaceship in my galaxy is like: it can travel from one end of the galaxy to the other at light speed and it shoots lasers. Seriously, that’s the WORST space ship in our galaxy. So your best spaceship is like a doubledecker bus compared to our worst space ship, which is like a Lamborghini. Not even a Lamborghini, actually, because we’re so advanced we don’t even use wheels anymore. We just float. Just like that. That’s how far ahead we are. So are we all on the same page now? Does anybody have a problem with who’s in charge here?”

Trumpatron: “No sirree.”

Erdogtator: “Nope, all good.”

Putane: “Nyet.”

Darth Vader: “Great! You’re not all as dumb as you look. Now that Count Dracula has dispensed with the formalities and the small talk, we can get down to business. Now, if I’m not mistaken, you fuckwads are trying to… let me see here in my notes… ah, you fuckwads are trying to flush the United States, Turkey, and Russia down the toilet as part of our overall plan to destroy the Earth. Correct?”

Trumpatron: “Yep.”

Erdogtator: “Pretty much.”

Putane: “Mmhm.”

Darth Vader: “Okay. Let’s start with you Donaldo Trumpathon.”

Trumpatron: “That’s Trumpatron. I’m Donaldo Trumpatron…”

Darth Vader: “Oh, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I really must apologize. Let me try again: Fatty McFucknuts? Did I pronounce it correctly this time? Is that good?”

Trumpatron: “Uh...yes sir, yes, that’s fine.”

Darth Vader: “Good! Would anybody else like to correct Darth Vader on how he pronounces their name? Because I’m not already angry enough that I have to speak through a barbeque grill that’s permanently attached to my mouth.”

Erdogtator: “I think we’re good.”

Putane: “Nyet problemski.”

Darth Vader: “Excellent! So anyway, tell me, Fucky McFucktits, what is your plan for shitting all over your country?”

Trumpatron: “I am racist, bigoted, misogynistic, and I deny climate change.”

Darth Vader: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… I’m sorry, were you saying something? I must’ve fallen asleep here. Were we in Basic Evil For Beginners class 101?”

Trumpatron: “Okay well I’ve also made some really ludicrous campaign pledges that are not only poorly thought-out but absolutely preposterous.”

Darth Vader: “Oh wait, I think I heard of one of them. Was it the one where you said you’d build a wall, a real fucking wall, along the border with Mexico and then you said you’d make the Mexicans pay for it? Was it that one?”

Trumpatron: “Yep, that’s one of them.”

Darth Vader: “You know, I actually have to say that is pretty good. No, seriously. I am not being sarcastic this time. I do not say this often, but that is brilliant.”

Trumpatron: “Really? Because you still seem like you might be being sarcastic…”

Darth Vader: “Yeah, I get it, since you can’t see any of my facial gestures because I’m wearing a fucking motorcycle engine on my head. But trust me, it’s brilliant. I mean, you actually seriously said that, but then it says here, you got nominated as the presidential candidate of the Republican Party? You sure it wasn’t the Reform Party?”

Trumpatron: “Positive. It was the Republican Party. I'm certain of it, 100%. I am the Republican Party nominee, you can ask people, they‘ll tell you.”

Darth Vader: “Wow. It wasn’t the Tea Party? Or the Ku Klux Klan? Or the…”

Trumpatron: “No sir. It was the GOP.”

Darth Vader: “That is mind boggling. Very impressive. It’s literally the most outrageously stupid thing I’ve ever heard, and yet you won the endorsement of one of your country’s two main establishment parties. Incredible. Now let’s look at some of your other policies and promises. Are they just as imbecilic?”

Trumpatron: “Well to tell you the truth I’m not sure and I don’t care. People love hearing it, they clap, they love me, so that’s really all that matters. I haven’t actually thought anything through or weighed how practical, sound, or realistic any of my policies are. I kinda just say whatever works. My policies can all pretty much be summed up in a poorly written tweet and explained in 140 characters or under.”

Darth Vader: “Wow, I really am baffled at how far you've already gotten. Astounding. Very impressive flourish of demagoguery on your part. Hm, it says here you want to impose a 45% tariff on all Chinese imports and a 35% tariff on all Mexican imports to the US? Wow. This is great. First of all you can’t just impose tariffs on a country, you have to do it on certain products, not that anyone you're saying this to would understand that of course. Secondly, imposing tariffs like that will contravene the WTO and create a trade war that will affect the entire global trade system. Thirdly, people will have to import the same items from other countries like Thailand, Vietnam, or Indonesia, and costs will go up, leading to inflation throughout the US, since the US relies on cheap Chinese manufacturing and imports for so many of its consumer goods and also for its primary goods for industries. So you’re essentially saying to American consumers and businesses 'I will raise prices on everything'! Diabolical. The irony is that inflation is the number one enemy of super rich investors who are the backbone of the GOP since it eats away at their long-term investments, especially the ones who hold fixed income securities, which is pretty much all of them. I mean, they’re not actually creating jobs with all that money they have, are they? They’re just investing their money in making more money for themselves in securities exchanges around the world. Which is why inflation is their number one bogeyman and therefore the American financial system’s number one bogeyman, since the super rich control and run that system. Furthermore, it says here in my notes that you want to kick out undocumented workers instead of integrating them into the system as human beings deserving of respect, dignity, and equality? These are immigrants denied a decent, safe, and dignified living in their own corrupt and ramshackle countries and are therefore risking life and limb to get to your country to seek a better life for themselves and their families, separated from their loved ones and living in miserable conditions, much as your Trumpatron ancestors went to that same country as immigrants seeking a better life. Correct? Those guys work for peanuts and receive no social security benefits, which means your country essentially gets to use them for work at almost slave wages with no rights enjoyed by the average American. If you didn’t have those millions of undocumented workers, you’d have to pay three times the wages to Americans who aren’t willing to do those jobs in the first place, plus you’d have to provide social security, job and medical security, pay taxes for them, and provide 401K’s. That’s why your elite makes sure not to legalize and integrate them as humans beings worthy of the right, referring to them as illegal aliens, but also doesn’t try to kick them out. So by kicking these people out of the country, you will lose millions of workers, increase costs and therefore prices, and that will  lead to more inflation for American consumers who will have to pay more for the same products and the same services. In effect, you’re actually undermining what ultra-rich conservatives love about this inhumane system, which is access to cheap labor without acknowledging it’s there and without ever accepting that it’s legitimate, but still letting them continue to work and live there among you because the super-rich know how much they need it and how good they have it. It’s like an informal slave system, essentially a ‘loophole economy’ within the economy. Wow. So you’re not just fucking over undocumented workers, which you wouldn’t care about anyway because you’re evil which is why you’re here with us today, but you’re also actually fucking over the same evil people whom you’re seeking votes from. You are openly and actively pursuing immigration and economic policies that are wildly inflationary and which will hurt the ultra rich, the ultra-rich who are the number one voter base for you and the GOP! Amazing! Of course, you will make up for that by not requiring them to pay proper taxes and thus letting your country, infrastructure, and society continue crumbling into a Machiavellian anarcho-capitalist nightmare of all against all orchestrated from behind walled towers of white corporate affluence, but then that kind of push toward sustained plutocratic repression is what any GOP presidential nominee is expected and required to uphold, so it’s pretty much par for the course. But overall, it seems your populist demagoguery isn’t at all in the interests of the super-rich either. It’s brilliant. You’re fucking everybody over. You’re fucking over world trade, possibly leading to new trade wars and protectionism worldwide, you’re fucking over American consumers, you’re fucking over working class people and undocumented workers and their families, you’re fucking over the middle class, you’re fucking over the ultra-rich, and you’re basically fucking over your own voters. In fact, the only person you are not fucking over and who stands to gain anything at all from this whole absurd charade is… YOU! This whole thing is actually just an advertising campaign for Trump! Wow. Even I couldn’t have come up with something this horrible.”

Trumpatron: “Well, I didn’t really think it all through that far, Darth. I think thoughts and ideas are for pussies. I‘m an action kinda guy, I don‘t like to waste time with brain stuff. Besides I kinda just stop thinking once I hear crowds scream with joy every time I mention how we’re going to teach China a lesson or kick Latinos out, or say we‘ll be great again and stuff like that. If I hear claps and people chanting the Trump brand, my job has already been done. In fact, the whole presidency thing is already just an afterthought for me—an afterthought, by the way, which I also refuse to think about. But I’m glad to know this all helps forward the League of Doom’s overall Fuck The World, Fuck All Worlds agenda. As long as Trump wins, the League of Doom will also win. That‘s what‘s so great about this partnership. Will everybody excuse me now please, I have an RDC appointment. You don‘t keep this orange radioactive glow by just sitting around and talking about policies all day. Bye now.”

Darth Vader: “You will go later. You will sit now and wait for this session to end.”

Trumpatron: “Oh, okay, I’ll just… sure, that’s fine, I… hm… okay.”

A door slides open on the other end of the Hall of Injustice. In comes Gargamel and his cat Azrael. Darth Vader utters a loud groan as he shakes his head and looks up at the domed ceiling in what appears to be abject frustration.

Count Dracula: “Ahem, yes. Here comes another League of Doom heavyweight. All rise for Gargamel!”

Darth Vader: “Stop! No! Gargamel? Really? You are putting me, Darth Vader, at the same table with Gargamel? The guy who tries to catch Smurfs and FAILS. Really? Who’s next? Bluto? Wile E. Coyote? Elmer Fucking Fudd?”

Count Dracula: “Just calm down, Darth, it’s not that big a deal, okay? Evil is evil so let’s just…”

Darth Vader: “Evil is not just evil. I am EVIL. Gargamel is mischievous at best, not to mention inept. Even you are kinda lame. I mean, come on, vampires? Really?”

Count Dracula: “How dare you?! I am pure evil my friend. Pure evil. And people love vampires, do you know how many books and films and TV series there are about us?”

Darth Vader: “Myeeeh. You’re okay at best. If anything you’re a little caricaturish. Not like Gargamel but still…”

Count Dracula: “Ok excuse me, sucking the living blood out of humans isn’t evil enough for you?”

Darth Vader: “Okay, whatever, look we’re getting off topic here. Let’s get back to Chumpthong over there.”

Trumpatron: “It’s Trumpa…”

Darth Vader: [deep breathing]

Trumpatron: “Trum… Trumpatr…”

Darth Vader: [deep breathing]

Trumpatron: “Trumpatron.”

Darth Vader: [deep breathing]

Trumpatron: “My my my… name is Fatty McDumbfuck.”

Darth Vader: “That’s better.”

Trumpatron: “Was that like one of those Jedi mind trick things you just did to make me call myself that or…”

Darth Vader: “No, that was all you being so shit scared that you called yourself that. That’s what that was. You can‘t tell right now, but I’m smiling.”

Trumpatron: [gulp]

Count Dracula: “Anyway, let’s move on Darth. I mean this guy isn’t even a leader yet. He‘s still just a sleazy real estate and casino mogul and a reality show celebrity… oh and of course also a GOP presidential nominee.”

Darth Vader: “Okay well, I‘m not sure how much substance we‘ve got with Chumpdump to make him into a grade A force of evil. Right now he just looks like a narcissistic charlatan pandering to ignoramuses and halfwits. Anyway, we‘ll go back to him later. Let’s move on to Erdogtator. Ooh, nice. This guy looks like a piece of work. He gets elected on a democratization ticket despite being quoted as saying ‘democracy is like a train, once you’re at your stop, you get off’. He proceeds to fill government full of religious fundamentalists, he clamps down on the media, curtails freedom of speech, supports and sends arms and people to groups that are internationally recognized terrorists in neighboring countries, he isolates Turkey on the international stage to a point where he has no more meaningful allies and nobody takes his country or his word seriously anymore, dismantles his military into a ragtag unprofessional politically divided Middle Eastern strongman militia, massacres minorities with brutal urban scorched earth tactics, foments racial and sectarian tensions in society, co-opts ultranationalist causes, forges alliances with people he later denounces as terrorists to forward his agenda, has been caught on tape with his family and ministers openly admitting to stealing and laundering money, backs Neo-Fisherian economic policies like 'low interest rates lead to low inflation', creates a big state-subsidized construction bubble that makes it look like his country’s economy is still growing while manufacturing and job creation crumbles, introduces labor laws akin to modern slavery and serfdom, supports almsgiving initiatives over sustained poverty alleviation and human development, seeks to create an education system that only instills religious dogma and obedience at the expense of critical thinking and scientific fact, insults people of different beliefs and faiths, and openly breaks the laws and constitution of the country he himself is the president of, to the point where he builds an illegal 1000-room palace and says he doesn‘t recognize the decisions of the country‘s constitutional court!? Under his rule his country has today gone from being what was once considered a paragon of stability, reason, sense, strength, and international standing to the point of being an example to other countries, to what is today being openly referred to as a failed state on a par with Iraq and Syria. Wow. And this is in just over 10 years? Amazing. This guy is a treasure. Honestly, this is one for the books. I mean… I’m Darth Vader, Darth Fucking Vader, Sith Lord, conqueror of galaxies, and make no mistake: I. Am. Totally. Impressed.”

Erdogtator: “Well, I’m flattered, naturally.”

Darth Vader: “And you should be. I really have little to add here, I’m glad to say. Just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. Soon we can add yet another country on our shit pile of historic failures, right over there with Pakistan and Venezuela. Seriously, I would take my hat off if it wasn’t bolted into my head. If I could however make a tiny suggestion…”

Erdogtator: “By all means, I always like to take advice, as long as I already agree with it of course.”

Darth Vader: “Naturally, naturally, such is the nature of us power-hungry villains. But I would suggest that you have a Plan B ready just in case. When you make a lot of enemies it’s always good to know you and your family have a nice cushy country to retreat to.”

Erdogtator: “Already thought of that, Darth. We all have Saudi citizenship lined up already, so if worse comes to worst I can take the family and all the money we’ve siphoned through shady deals, crony contracts, legal manipulation, and nepotism over the past 12 years, and we can just plop down in a comfy compound and be neighbors with Idi Amin’s family. Don’t you worry.”

Darth Vader: “Excellent! You have it covered then. And what about this coup business that just happened, how are you dealing with that? Witch hunts, I hope?”

Erdogtator: “Witch hunts indeed. I’m using it as an excuse to get rid of everyone and anyone who is not 100% loyal to me in the entire government and state apparatus, public servants, military personnel, hospitals and schools, governors and parliamentarians, journalists and intellectuals, even sportsmen and sports authorities, many of them on the most tenuous or even just made up charges of belonging to a terror organization. That also gives me the excuse to get rid of anyone who still believes in a secular country. We’re talking tens and tens of thousands of arrests. It’s going to be great for the construction sector because we’re going to have to build prisons for everybody in the entire country who isn’t on my side. That could reach up to 50 million people! The entire country will be cleansed! CLEANSED! CLEANSED!”

Darth Vader: “Uh… okay. This is getting a bit weird.”

Erdogtator: “Wait, that’s not it, Darth. I even cleansed my own party of everyone who was once my comrade, everyone who helped me found the party and get to where I am today, because you never know if they’re going to stab you in the back and take away from your limelight and disagree with you because they think they have a right to voice some kind of criticism, WHICH THEY DON’T! NOBODY HAS A RIGHT TO CRITICISM, NOBODY EXCEPT ME! ONLY I CAN CRITICIZE MYSELF! So then I just filled the party with yes men and puppets and pushovers so I could just have the rubberstamp parliament I deserve…”

Darth Vader: “You’re seeming a little unhinged, would you like to sit back down and have a drink of water?”

Erdogtator: “I deserve this, I deserve it. I made myself a palace with one thousand rooms, and from each one of those one thousand rooms I will govern and oversee the affairs of every one of my 1000 provinces in the new Islamic Empire that I will be the Caliph of, I, I Erdogtator. I am a messenger, a humble messenger of God. I am the beloved of God, I am here to save mankind. I will build a great bridge and then another great bridge and a great mosque, the biggest mosque anyone has ever seen and I will build a big canal, man made, greater than the Panama Canal, greater than anything the world has ever seen, and from a million mosques around the globe they will call my name to defend the faith and unleash upon the world the greatest weapon ever seen, every screen on earth, every television screen, every movie theater, every computer and laptop and smartphone will have my image upon it, you cannot stop me, you cannot stop me… I'll show them, I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! NOBODY WILL EVER MAKE FUN OF ME OR LOOK DOWN ON ME OR QUESTION ME! I AM BELOVED OF GOD! I AM A MESSIAH! I AM ALWAYS CORRECT! I AM THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE...”

Darth Vader: “STOP! ENOUGH! GET DOWN FROM THE TABLE! SIT DOWN! SIT THE FUCK DOWN! STORMTROOPERS, IMPERIAL GUARDS, RESTRAIN HIM! SILENCE HIS MANIACAL CACKLING!”

Erdogtator: “HAHAHAhahahaHAHAHAHA ALL HAIL ME! ALL HAIL ME! ALL HAIL ME! I AM GREAT! I AM GREAT! UNHAND ME! UNHAND ME YOU ROBOTS! HELP HELP I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!”

Darth Vader: “Get him out of here, put him in the straight jacket and give him the same medication we gave Robert Mugabe. Yes, you heard me, the same medication. Just do it. For fucks sake. You know, just once I wish we were dealing with an evil person who didn’t have some kind of mental instability. Just once I would like to deal with a fellow evil person who wasn’t psychotic or megalomaniacal or sociopathic to the point of insanity.”

Gargamel: “Right, says the guy who accepted a Sith emperor as his master so he could rule the galaxy and murder jedis.”

Darth Vader: “I’m sorry, was anybody talking to you, Gargamel? Don’t you have some little Smurfs to catch?”

Gargamel: “I’m just saying. It’s not like you’re a paragon of sense here. None of us are. Let’s face it, we’re all fucked up. That’s why we’re evil. Right? We all have some kind of character flaw or something traumatic in our childhoods or some kind of personality disorder that makes us fear change, fear difference, fear others, fear anything that we have no control over, that makes us paranoid about people hating us and wanting to hurt us, and so we seek power to control everything and everybody, to make the pain and the hurt go away, and we need to coerce and force people into liking us upon threat of death and imprisonment. But the more people you dominate, the more enemies you feel you have, and so you have to imprison and dominate them too, but then once you do that, you have yet more enemies, so the circle has to widen and you have to imprison anyone and everyone who isn‘t 100% on your side and and… Are you guys even listening to me?”

Darth Vader: [yawning sound]

Count Dracula: “So what’s your point? Are you saying that’s not normal behavior?”

Gargamel: “Yes! That’s exactly what I’m saying. Jesus, do you not get it?”

Count Dracula: “Well I don’t know, we’re evil and we all hang out with other evil people, so what you described sounds like pretty well-adjusted behavior to me.”

Gargamel: “Okay never mind, forget it.”

Darth Vader: “Yes thank you Gargamel for that amateurish Psych 101 analysis of the origins of evil, it was very illuminating. I‘m sure you‘ve blown everyone‘s mind with that. Oh by the way, Papa Smurf called, says your secret potion to poison him didn’t work yet again, surprise surprise. Back to the drawing board, Gargamel!”

Gargamel: “Oh fuck you.”

Count Dracula: “Quiet down you guys. Our next guest of evil is Bladdersmear Putane. Bladdersmear, welcome!”

Darth Vader: “Uhm… I’m just going to point out the elephant in the room here and ask everyone if it isn’t a little weird that Putane is shirtless and sitting on the back of a tiger right now?”

Count Dracula: “Oh, yeah, he insisted on that.”

Gargamel: “Definitely weird.”

Darth Vader: “Right? I mean, Erdogtator and Trumpatron are wearing suits. Why don’t you wear a suit like the rest of them? I’m not saying you have to wear a cape like me and Dracula, or shitty rags like Gargamel… but something, dude. Says here you do judo? Why not at least wear a judo outfit?”

Putane: “I am… very manly man.”

Confused looks shoot back and forth around the table as everyone waits for Putane to say something more, which he doesn’t.

Darth Vader: “Ooookay. I don’t even know what that means, but let’s pretend it explains things so we can move on. Now you’ve been in charge of your country for… well, it seems forever, or at least since that last turnip-faced drunkard who was president before you. So how would you say you’ve helped it and the world become a worse place that’s one step closer to destruction?”

Putane: “First of all, I have completely eradicated any semblance of there being rule of law or an independent judiciary, or any seat of alternative institutional power whatsoever in my country, and I’ve been even more successful in this regard than the likes of Erdogtator over here.”

Erdogtator: “I have to admit, I am jealous of him for that, but make no mistake, I’m working up to it.”

Putane: “So now in Russia, I pretty much run and own and control everything. And I mean, everything.”

Darth Vader: “And who do you blame when things go wrong?”

Putane: “I blame the usual suspects, America, the West in general, Britain and France, Jews, of course, Muslims, freemasons, you know, the usual suspects. Like Erdogtator, when my policies lead to economic downturn, a crashing stock market, loss of FDI, market instability, a depreciating or devaluating currency, inflation, current account deficits, loss of export markets, etc., I just blame it on traitors and enemies of Russia within, and the usual Western powers abroad.”

Erdogtator: “Yep, standard procedure, me too. Except I call Jews the ‘interest rate lobby’. That’s my code word for Jews.”

Putane: “Mmhm, I just call anyone who’s anti-me a fascist and lock them up. Same thing really. Anyway. I have also completely transformed my country into a corrupt oligarchy where law, ethics, and civil society have completely broken down, and where the state is basically the biggest organized criminal network in a country of thousands of big and small organized criminal networks. There’s also lots of racism and, you’ll be happy to know, drugs and alcoholism. So much alcoholism that Russian men have an average life expectancy that's ten years less than Russian women, and on a par with some of the poorest African countries. Demographically speaking, we don’t have enough people to maintain a country as big as ours, and the population is shrinking to the point where there won’t be enough of a workforce to sustain the economy, let alone grow it. And of course having become so reliant on hydrocarbons like gas and oil, we are doomed to fail as industry suffers, diversification fails, initiative and entrepreneurship collapse, prices fall, and eventually those finite resources run out in a few decades. I also make sure that the precious revenue we do earn from hydrocarbons goes into a massive military machine that tricks Russians into thinking they are a superpower, when really it’s slowly killing their country’s hopes for a decent and sustainable future. So you could say that I am pretty much making Russia dig its own grave before I kill it off completely and put the whole thing out of its misery.”

Darth Vader: “Okay, well, it doesn’t look like you need any help from us then. Good job. All I can say is carry on and keep up the bad work.”

Nervous chuckles around the table.

Darth Vader: “Thank you, that's just a little joke I made there... I said keep up the bad work instead of... never mind...”

Count Dracula: “Yes yes, we all picked up on the humor Lord Vader, thanks for lightening the mood. Okay, thank you everybody, that brings our meeting to an end. Any questions from you, gentlemen? Erdogtator? Putane? Trumpatron?”

Trumpatron: “Well, yes, regarding your end of the deal… when we finally all manage to kill the world off, what will our, um, situation be?”

Count Dracula: “Oh yes, of course. Darth, do you want to take this one?”

Darth Vader: “Sure. Okay as per our deal, you guys all get beamed up to our new Luxury Leisure Death Star, the 'wRECk Star' as we like to call it. Remember we gave you the tour already before you signed up with us, so I don’t need to remind you about how it’s a fully refurbished and renovated Death Star that’s totally geared to your decadent, vainglorious, evil, and lecherous needs as top class earthly villains, and where by signing your souls off to Satan, you get to be immortal and enjoy all the amenities forever. That includes the hot tub filled with the blood of enemies of your choice, the gym room where the weights are made out of the lead-filled skulls of pro-democracy activists from your respective countries, the massive cinema where you all get to star in propaganda films extolling your virtues as great heroes of the people or what not, and of course the solarium where you get to tan in the radiant light of your own magnificent ego through our state of the art technology which allows you to plug the most primal reptilian part of your brain into your own anus, thereby enabling you to bask in the glow of your own all-consuming bullshit, virtually a self-sustaining energy source that will last as long as you do. I knew you’d like that one especially, Trumpatron. Now, needless to say, every evil person you can possibly imagine is going to be there on the wRECk Star. You name it. For example, Adolf Hitler is still the chief of customer relations. Mussolini is head of entertainment, although Berlusconi is literally dying to join him up there with some good old cruise ship crooning and some wicked bunga bunga parties. It’s like a who’s who of shitty people. The list is endless. Genghis Khan, L. Ron Hubbard, Attila the Hun, Jeffrey Dahmer, Saddam Hussein, Mother Teresa, Swiss bankers, all other bankers, Me, Frankenstein’s monster, Al Capone, hedge fund managers, Stalin, Reagan, John Lennon, every Catholic Pope ever… in fact we have a special VIP deal with them. There’s even a private hyperwarp gateway in the Vatican through which the Popes can teleport right up here as soon as they’re murdered by their cardinals without so much as a minute’s delay. So needless to say, you gentlemen will also be up there with the worst of them once your deeds are done. But Trumpatron, you will still need to win the presidency, otherwise you’ll have to go to our three-star facility for sleazy real estate, casino, and reality show celebrities.”

Trumpatron: “Oh boy. Isn’t that where all the Real Housewives stars go? And all the Bachelorette suicides?”

Darth Vader: “I’m afraid so. And also dead rock stars and actors.”

Trumpatron: “Ugh, that sounds nasty. So eventually there‘s going to be people like Madonna and Tom Cruise and Kaitlyn Jenner?”

Darth Vader: “I’m afraid so. Look, I’m not going to lie to you, it’s pretty vulgar and pretty gross over there.”

Trumpatron: “Is it like Vegas? I could do Vegas.”

Darth Vader: “Worse. It’s like Miami. Pretty fucking nasty. So make that your motivation for winning the presidency. Oh and another motivation could be to not lose to a woman.”

Trumpatron: “She’s hardly a woman.”

Darth Vader: “Yeah well, you’re hardly a man, so get your shit together by November.”

The ceiling opens. A miasmal smoke and an overwhelming red light drowns the entire Hall of Injustice as everyone rises to their feet.

Count Dracula: “Attention! All hail our Supreme Leader!”

From the red glow above and through the smoke, a form appears and descends slowly to the biggest seat at the table, a black and red leather seat with an inverted cross design at the top. 

Count Dracula: “Hail our Supreme Leader! Hail our Supreme Leader! Hail our Lord!”

The form floats down and takes a seat at the chair as he pinches his chin between his thumb and the middle phalanx of his index finger.

Count Dracula: “All Hail Steve Jobs!”

Darth Vader: [siiiiiigh]