My nationality: Hey! Hello! Oh my God! It's me! Remember me!?
Me: Oh no thank you, I'm not buying any carpets, I'm just...
My nationality: What? No no no, it's me, don't you recognize me? Hello?!
Me: I’m sorry, do I actually know you?
Me: Oh no thank you, I'm not buying any carpets, I'm just...
My nationality: What? No no no, it's me, don't you recognize me? Hello?!
Me: I’m sorry, do I actually know you?
My nationality: Come on, you don't remember me? Look closer!
Me: Guy Fieri?
My nationality: No silly, it's Your Nationality!
Me: Ooooh, right. Okay. Hi.
My nationality: YEAH! Come here give me a hug, come on, no no, don't be shy. There, was that so hard?
Me: Wow, how much cologne do you have on?
My nationality: Half a bottle every morning. Image is everything in my line of work.
Me: Okay well I really have to...
My nationality: It’s been such a long time! So so so good to see you! How have you been?
Me: Fine, fine. Pretty good. You know, can’t complain.
My nationality: Me too! I am SUPER! Seriously, couldn’t be better! Just tearing it up, you know?
Me: Oh cool, that’s great. Listen, I don’t mean to be rude but I really have to get a...
My nationality: Coffee!? You wanna get a coffee?! I’d love to, we have soooo much catching up to do!
Me: Um, no, I have to get a cab to…
My nationality: WAITER! TWO CAPPUCCINOS! You like cappuccinos, right? Lots of sugar?
Me: I just like black coffee, look I really have to…
My nationality: Here’s your cappuccino! So tell me, man, how come we haven’t seen each other for so long, I feel like it’s been years!
Me: Yeah, I don’t know, I guess I’ve been busy you know…
My nationality: Busy!? Too busy for me? Come on, bro. I’m your NATIONALITY! I should be the most important thing in your life! In fact I would say I AM the most important thing in your life!
Me: Really? Well…
My nationality: Uh, DUH! What’s more important!? Your whole identity and being should be indexed to me! Am I wrong?
Me: Well, no offense, but that's a little presumptuous of you, don't you think?
My nationality: Name one thing that's more important than me?
Me: To be honest, in order of importance I would place you in about, I don’t know… 687th spot? And that’s just off the top of my head.
My nationality: HAHAHA!!! You still have that sense of humor!
Me: No seriously. 687. If not lower.
My nationality: STOP ALREADY! HAHAHA!!! I have tears in my eyes. Seriously, what could possibly be more important than me? I can’t think of a single thing... oh wait, except God and religion, obviously. But they're my best friends anyway.
Me: I can think of 686 things that are more important than you, dude. my wife and kid, toothpaste, my bicycle, every single book I own, our dining room table, pizza, underwear, tennis, my favorite t-shirt…
My nationality: STOP IT! HAHAHAHAHA! Too funny!
Me: Rubber bands, sex, my phone, Google, fruit, almonds, Wikipedia, Lego…
My nationality: Okay seriously, stop now, you had me at toothpaste…
Me: eggs, my chin-up bar, basketball, football, swimming, skiing, my favorite hoodie, paper, pencils…
My nationality: I’m going to cut you off there Mr. Funny Bones! You are still the card! As we both know, of course, I am in fact AMAZING! Come on! Look at me! The glory, the conquests, the great achievements spanning centuries, the great heroes you are so proud to associate with, the military victories, sporting accomplishments, delicious dishes that I‘ve invented. I’ve done it all! I’m perfect! So why haven’t you stayed in touch, hm? I just don’t get it!
Me: Okay, let's not exaggerate. You're a nice guy, okay, let's just leave it at that. You're fine.
My nationality: Fine? Just fine? I have a steam bath named after me. I invented a syrupy pastry dessert. I've got like a million trophies in weightlifting. I have lots and lots of guns. I am PERFECT!
Me: Look, see, you’re doing it again. This is why we don't see more of each other. You’re delusional. You skew everything so it all looks great, you invent truths and propagate half-truths to suit whatever image you want to convey, you leave out all the unsavory things that reflect very poorly on you and pretend they never happened, and you’re constantly harping on about how great you are to everybody. You look like you’ve lost all touch with reality. You live in your own little fantasy bubble and see the world through completely distorted lenses. Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but… look, it’s not that I’m embarrassed when I’m around you… it’s just that…
My nationality: Oh my God! You’re embarrassed to be around me!?
Me: No no no, I said it’s NOT that I am embarrassed to be around you…
My nationality: It’s the same thing! That’s just a polite way of saying you ARE embarrassed to be around me.
Me: Okay, look, I’ll be honest. And please don’t take this the wrong way. Think of it as constructive criticism… it’s just that you’re, well… obnoxious.
My nationality: OBNOXIOUS! How am I supposed to not take that the wrong way?!
Me: Look, hear me out… you’re obnoxious, you’re loud, you’re conceited, and you’re… man, how do I say this? You’re kind of…
My nationality: Yes?
Me: I don’t want to offend you…
My nationality: I think we’re past that. Just tell me straight up.
Me: Okay, well, here goes: You’re kind of a... psychopath.
My nationality: Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Did I hear that right? What did you just call me? Can you repeat that please?
Me: YOU. ARE. A. PSY-CO-PATH.
My nationality: Wow. Please enlighten me. How am I a psychopath?
Me: You are completely self-involved, you have no empathy for other nationalities, you’re constantly building yourself up with a bunch of false facts while putting everyone else down, and you do only what gives you pleasure and what is in your interests, regardless of the consequences for others, to the point where you can even justify hurting others for your own pleasure and gain. That’s why you are a psychopath. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to say it like this, I was happy to be cordial and polite with you hoping we could just say hi and be on our way, but there, I said it.
My nationality: No. No. You don’t really believe that. Nope, I don’t accept it. Who’s making you say this?
Me: See you’re doing it again. Nobody is making me say this, I am saying it.
My nationality: Are other nationalities putting you to this? Which ones? How did they brainwash you? Why have you become their servant and pawn?
Me: What? Nobody is making me say it. I’M saying it. Me. My brain, my opinions, ME. I think that you are a psychopath. And so are all the others, by the way. Although some are more psychopathic than others. Take my Icelandic friend's nationality, for example. He's cool, chill, down to earth, not the most interesting nationality, but he's just himself, you know. He's cool to hang out with. He's not all loud and pushy and abrasive and arrogant and in everyone's face all the time. He's just a nice guy, you know what I mean?
My nationality: No, I don’t know what you mean. And I don't believe a word you're saying. That nationality you described is a pussy, they're all pussies. I, on the other hand, am SUPERIOR. I am pure as the driven snow. I am only success, victory, grandeur, and righteousness. That’s it. And I don’t care what anybody says.
Me: There you go, spoken like a true psychopath.
My nationality: I am the greatest. The best. Number one. Numero Uno. To be with me, as you are, should be a great honor and privilege. And yet…
Me: Look, no offense, but come on… you have murdered, pillaged, raped, slaughtered, massacred, stolen, lied, manipulated, tortured, and bribed your way to get to where you are today. You know it, I know it, we all know it. In fact, they all have, all of the nationalities, not just you, although some have more than others. A lot more. So don’t take it personally. You are ALL assholes, it's just some of you are a little more assholey than the rest. Or a lot more assholey.
My nationality: I don’t know where this is coming from. Who’s putting these ideas into your head?
Me: NOBODY! These are MY ideas! I have the capacity to think for myself! That’s another huge psychopathic assholey trait of yours, you think anyone who thinks anything different than you has been brainwashed by someone else. I haven’t!
My nationality: Okay, I will grant you that all the other nations are assholes, but let’s just agree that I am completely innocent, okay.
Me: Oh my God, it’s like talking to a doorknob.
My nationality: Any bad thing attributed to me is the result of propaganda on the part of other jealous nationalities because they can’t take how amazingly awesomely magnificent I am.
Me: Can you hear yourself now? I’ve literally never heard a bigger douche bag than you ever talk more douche baggier than that, ever.
My nationality: And they can’t take how handsome and strong I am.
Me: You can’t even hear me can you?
My nationality: And how sexy I am.
Me: Hello?
My nationality: And how just and moral I am.
Me: Earth calling my nationality, do you copy?
My nationality: And how everyone is envious of me.
Me: If I walked away now you wouldn’t even notice, would you?
My nationality: And how big my hands are. Big, strong, masculine hands.
Me: You. Are. Deranged.
My nationality: And how God is on MY side, and only on MY side.
Me: Wow. This is now just creepy.
My nationality: And everything bad that happens is their fault because they are all plotting and scheming to tear me and everyone with me down.
Me: Nope, YOU ARE FUCKING IT UP YOURSELF! YOU! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU THINK THEY DO. IN FACT YOU ARE KIND OF A JOKE TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SERIOUSLY YOU TAKE YOURSELF, THE LESS SERIOUSLY OTHERS TAKE YOU.
My nationality: So anyway, I’m so glad we had this little powwow and we smoothed things out. You are a hard man to convince, but I’m glad you finally see things my way.
Me: You didn’t hear a single thing I said, did you?
My nationality: We should get together some time! I mean, come on, you and I are best buddies! We are flesh and blood you and me!
Me: Not really. The fact that you’re in my life at all is just an accident of birth, to be honest. The fact that I have to associate with you at all is kind of really only a bureaucratic matter for me. You are basically just a means to a passport so I can get the fuck away from you.
My nationality: Exactly, destiny! It was meant to be!
Me: That’s the opposite of what I just said, but whatever, I’ve given up believing that you can hear anything you don’t want to hear, so, sure, destiny it is.
My nationality: I knew you’d come around!
Me: I am NOT high-fiving you.
My nationality: Don’t leave me hanging bra!
Me: Please put your hand down.
My nationality: Still waiting! Come on!
Me: For fuck’s sake, okay okay, there… now just stop.
My nationality: YEAH! THAT’S THE SPIRIT! I KNEW YOU’D COME AROUND! It was close there for a while… I mean, we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you, would we?
Me: Wait a minute. Are you threatening me now?
My nationality: Let’s just say that the state apparatus that was built around me won’t have to perform the unpleasant task of exerting any coercive maneuvers to ensure that it can continue to count on your loyalty without having to seek recourse to any… how do I put this… any “unsavory procedures” that may be necessitated… for purely persuasional purposes, you understand… if you get my drift. It is all of course for your own good, and the good of your friends, family, and loved ones.
Me: Oh, yes… sure, sure. Okay. Yes, I totally understand.
My nationality: So we're cool now?
Me: Yes, we're cool.
My nationality: GREAT! We really have to see each other more now that we’ve bumped into each other again. Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you right now to make sure you didn’t accidentally give me the wrong number by mistake what with all the excitement of having seen me again and all.
Me: Uh, yeah, sure…
My nationality: Are you trembling? Is something making you feel a little nervous?
Me: No, no, of course not.
My nationality: Oh hey look, isn’t that Your Religion over there!? What a coincidence! Hey, wait, why are you running away!? Okay, bye! I’ll call you later tonight, maybe we can get a bite? DON’T WORRY, I’LL FIND YOU!