1/29/16

On the sixth day, God created Man


I always found it a little odd that what must've been the most miraculous moment in a religious universe, the moment God created the first Man, is given such a brief and matter-of-factly mention in the Bible. But I'm sure day six of creation week must've been one of high excitement, drama, intensity, and a lot of debate, which a cursory "and God created man in his own image" doesn't seem to do justice to. After all, you're creating a being in your own image to rule over all the things you created in the previous five days. Sounds like a big moment! So here's how I imagine it would've gone down on the sixth day of creation as God created mankind.

God: Aaaaand... there. Done. Angels, will you come in here a second?

Lucifer: They're all asleep. Can I help?

God: Asleep? In heaven?

Lucifer: Yeah. It's kinda boring here in case you haven't noticed.

God: Well things are about to get a lot more interesting.

Lucifer: Why? Did you decide to create dragons after all?

God: No, no dragons. I did dinosaurs, I don't need to make dragons as well. Besides I've already created giraffes, that's silly enough.

Lucifer: So anyway, what do you want to show me?

God: Behold, I have created... MAN!

Lucifer: Man? This guy here?

God: Yes! MAN!

Lucifer: Stop shouting, I can hear you, I'm right here. And turn the thunder off, it's really annoying.

God: I just thought it should have a dramatic introduction.

Lucifer: Try a gong next time. Besides, he looks kind of underwhelming compared to some of the other stuff you created. Like what about those tigers? Those were pretty awesome.

God: Well, you're mistaken. Not about the tigers, they certainly are awesome, but about Man. Because Man here is what is about to become master of all creation, everything, the fish, the birds, the trees, the whole shebang.

Lucifer: This guy here? He doesn't even have horns, or wings, or claws, or sharp teeth. Look at him, he's picking his nose. Does he even have a name?

God: Name?

Lucifer: Yeah, name.

God: Why does he need a name?

Lucifer: Everyone has a name. I have a name, Lucifer. You have a name, Jeho...

God: Don't say it! You're not allowed to say it! Hm, but maybe you're right. He should have a name I guess. How about... Steve?

Lucifer: Steve?

God: No? Something more dramatic then. How about Tamerlane? Aristotle? Confucius?

Lucifer: I'd suggest you keep it simple. I mean look at him.

God: Adam? Did you say Adam?

Lucifer: What? No, I said look "at him".

God: Adam. I like that actually.

Lucifer: You seem a little tired. Whatever. Look, don't you think you're rushing into this? I mean you've only been doing this creation thing for five days so far and in just six days you want to throw in a master of all creation? You should think this through. What if he screws everything up? I know I keep saying this, but seriously: Look. At. Him. Do you know how long you worked on creating the fine chemistry of the oceans, with all those currents and the gulf stream and everything? Remember how amazing your water creation was? Water was a stroke of genius, I have to say. Now who's to say this moron doesn't just fill the whole ocean up with trash, melt all the ice, and eat up all the fish? Look in his eyes, he's stupid. He really is.

God: Pfff, how's he going to fuck everything up? I made him in my own image, he's perfect!

Lucifer: Here we go.

God: He's got my spirit and I gave him a big big brain compared to animals. He's magnificent! He'll do fine.

Lucifer: Really? He looks awkward and he has a greedy, devious, violent look in his eyes. I don't like him. Plus he looks somewhat proud, not great at communication, a little domineering, and just kind of... I don't know. Lazy? Opportunistic? This Man looks so much more inferior to dolphins. Dolphins are great! I love the dolphins. Why don't you make them the masters of all creation and the center of the universe?

God: I forgot to give them opposable thumbs, okay? I fucked up. Sorry. Anyway look, it's done. I'm tired. I've spent the last five days making literally everything in the universe. EVERYTHING. Mushrooms, volcanoes, elephants, black holes, walruses. You think that's easy? Sometimes I'm not thinking straight. Sometimes I'll go a little kookoo and make a kangaroo or a platypus. I'll admit it, the platypus is ridiculous. I don't know where I thought of that one. In fact, everything I did in Australia was just insane. I could've used some coffee when I was creating that whole continent. I was so tired I just left the whole middle bit desert. But that was yesterday and this is today. It's now day six, I made Man, and I just want to kick back and spend tomorrow relaxing. Okay? So I don't need your lip right now.

Lucifer: Hey, you're the one who asked my opinion. I was perfectly happy basking by the manna pool tanning in the heavenly glow. But you wanted my opinion, and you've got it. Personally I would suggest you hold up on this Man thing. You're tired and this particular creation just looks, I don't know, wrong. How do you know this guy can even manage all of creation? He looks like he'd fuck the whole delicate balance up in a few thousand years, everything you worked so hard to craft and hone. He looks like he'd just want to keep growing, keep consuming, keep getting more and more powerful until everything goes to shit. He looks like if you gave him all those cows and sheep and fruit and stuff, he'd just go fat. He would! Don't laugh. I think he'd just go fat. Because he looks stupid, lazy, and proud. Also, if they're going to be the lords of creation and all, don't you need more of these Mans?

God: Men.

Lucifer: Why's the plural of Man Men? Why not Mans?

God: I don't know, I screwed grammar up as well, I kept waffling between one rule and another and I created a bit of a mess, so now there's all these weird rules all mixed up together. At the end of it I got so bored and tired I couldn't even think up a plural for sheep or fish. But I digress. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm going to make more of these Men.

Lucifer: How?

God: I have a plan. I'm going to send this guy, Adam, into deep sleep, and then... now bear with me here, this is going to sound kind of weird...

Lucifer: I'm already worried.

God: No wait, hear me out. I'm going to take one of his ribs...

Lucifer: Oh boy.

God: Wait, let me finish. I'm going to take a rib and make it a... um... Woman.

Lucifer: A what?

God: A Woman. So then the Man and the Woman can have sex. No wait, they can get married, then they can have sex. Remind me to write that rule down at some point, first marriage, then sex. So after they have sex, presto! They have children.

Lucifer: Wow. Really? A rib? You're going to make her from a rib?

God: Yes, a rib, do you have a better idea?

Lucifer: Whatever, that's fine I guess. You could have just as easily made her out of a toe or a nipple I guess, so a rib sounds relatively reasonable. But wait. How are you going to get more of these Men in the world?

God: Well, like I said, they have children, and then... um...

Lucifer: Yes?

God: The children have children...

Lucifer: You didn't think this through, did you? The children are having children? So what, brothers and sisters having sex with each other? Does that sound right?

God: I don't know, I just made this all up, it sounded perfectly reasonable at the time.

Lucifer: I'll grant you it's not bad for an idea that you only had a day to develop. But inbreeding sounds a bit creepy don't you think? I mean, I don't trust this Adam guy as it is. What if all those other inbred Men that he and this Woman create to populate the earth just get worse and worse? Plus I think you need to make the earth way bigger and put waaaaay more gold and oil and minerals and shit in there. These imbeciles are going to suck that shit right out of the earth and fuck up that intricate climate thing you had going, and they look like they're going to be complete assholes to each other.

God: You are so pessimistic. It'll be fine. I'm going to put them in a garden...

Lucifer: What, Eden? We like Eden, we hang out in Eden, it's our favorite garden. Why would you put these idiots there?

God: I don't know, because I feel like it. Why will people in the future have aquariums? Who knows? It's that kind of thing. Anyway, so they'll have kids and...

Lucifer: I bet their kid murders the other kid, that's how much I don't trust this Man thingy you have going.

God: Seriously, can you hear how much of a wet blanket you're being? I think you're forgetting that I AM GOD. I am THE MASTER OF EVERYTHING. In case you haven't noticed, this isn't a democracy I'm running here. I'm not hosting a roundtable forum for people to share their ideas and express opposing viewpoints. Why would I need that? I'm GOD. I'm PERFECT. So if I asked for your opinion, you're free to give me some tips and pointers, but that's it. At the end of the day you have to agree with me, okay? I'm sorry to have to put this to you bluntly but you seem not to get it. Michael gets it, Gabriel gets it, even Azrail gets it. But you never get it. You just...

Lucifer: Okay okay, calm down, you're causing earthquakes and shit down there, and you just made the earth a few days ago.

God: Well then stop pushing my buttons.

Lucifer: What's the Woman's name, by the way?

God: The Woman's name? Ugh, I don't know. I always liked the name Rochelle.

Lucifer: Wow, so if naming were up to you, the first masters of creation, the very first Man and Woman to walk and populate the earth would be Steve and Rochelle? Rochelle sounds like a stripper and Steve sounds like a lonely balding 48 year-old man getting a lap dance from her on a Monday night.

God: Okay, I'm not married to Rochelle. How about... Eve?

Lucifer: That's better I guess. Although Adam and Eve sounds like the name of a porn shop.

God: Myeh, I like it. I'm going with Adam and Eve. Has a certain ring to it. Come on, help me get these guys down into Eden.

Lucifer: What am I, your elf? Just move them yourself, suspend gravity for a bit, float them over there, and drop them off, abracadabra blippetty bloop. Why do you need my help?

God: Because it would be nice if I knew you were on board with this project. Whatever... look, honestly, it's nearly midnight, the sixth day is almost over, and I don't care anymore. I just want to make them and send them out. If there's any problems that show up later, and stuff I didn't cover, I'll just... I don't know... fix it later.

Lucifer: Fix it later? What like, talk to people from the sky and tell them to up their game?

God: No, not like that. That sounds scary, I don't want to scare people. I could send... prophets?

Lucifer: Prophets?

God: Yeah, you know. Tell them stuff that they can tell other Men.

Lucifer: Okay, but are these prophets going to be Men too?

God: Well yeah, obviously.

Lucifer: Then how would Men know if those other Men aren't just normal Men like themselves who only think they're prophets but really aren't, or who are just lying to influence people to do whatever shit they want them to do? These Men look like they wouldn't think twice about lying and manipulating each other when and where it suits them for their own private gain. Pretty soon, Men are going to think the whole project was bogus to begin with and they'll stop believing in you altogether. Don't say I didn't warn you.

God: Shut up, wait, I just had a brilliant idea.

Lucifer: Okay let's hear it.

God: The prophet is not a man, but me, or rather... my son, so he's, like, part me, part my son, and then part, like Holy Spirit... so he's part man and part God, and then he... yes yes... he dies for the sins of all Men for eternity, and then after getting tortured and crucified or something, he rises from the dead and comes back up here as the Messiah!

Lucifer: Whoa, where did that come from? You sound like you're totally tripping balls. Seriously, that's the wackiest thing I've ever heard. But I have to admit, it's pretty creative.

God: Okay, I know, that was a bit far fetched maybe but I could also just send books. Holy books. It'll all be written down so everyone knows the rules.

Lucifer: Yeah but, why would that be any more believable than prophets or that weird half-man half-god Messiah thing you came up with? Those prophets could just make stuff up and write whatever they want. Why would anyone believe something just 'cause it's written in a book? Besides, what if all those Men start speaking different languages? Are you going to send a book in every language?

God: No. I'll just send it in the main languages that everyone will speak in the future, the most important languages that all Men will learn and understand through the millennia. I'm God, I can foresee which languages those will be.

Lucifer: Which will they be?

God: The obvious ones. Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek.

Lucifer: Ugh. Seriously? I hope you're right. What if it turns out to be, I don't know, English or something?

God: Ha! English?! That's that tiny island I made in the corner over there by Spain. In fact, I think it was a mistake, I kind of just dripped some earth while I was moving it over towards Africa. You think their barbaric hodgepodge language is going to be spoken everywhere? Gimme a break. Aramaic will be BIG, trust me.

Lucifer: Okay whatever. Look, why don't you spare yourself all that nonsense and just spend a little more time perfecting this Man that you created before you send him out in the world. Spend, you know, a little more than A DAY on the master of the universe? Take tomorrow off and then get back to work on Monday?

God: No, that's it, I'm done. I don't want to spend another whole week on creating shit. I'm tired and I'm bored. Let's say you're right. Let's say they all turn out to be proud and greedy and lustful and murderous and gluttonous, and all that. I'll just send a book and a prophet saying "Those are wrong, those are vices, don't do that." There, problem solved.

Lucifer: Great idea. Then people will just miraculously stop being the dicks they are by nature. They'll just will themselves into becoming perfect because you told them to. Bravo. That's a hell of a plan you have there.

God: If worse comes to worst and everything goes to complete shit, I'll just wash the whole thing up with a big flood. There, problem solved. Then you just start again.

Lucifer: A big flood? That would be your solution? It sounds a little childish, don't you think?

God: Oh fuck off, I'm done talking about it.

Lucifer: Look, I'm telling you, this Adam guy looks really shifty. Look at him, he just found a stick and he's hitting whatever is in reach. Leaves, trees, animals. And he's obviously enjoying it. It's going to take no time for him to make that stick a pointier stick, a more aerodynamic stick made of better wood that flies faster through the air. And then eventually he uses other stuff you put in the earth, like iron, or that plutonium and uranium stuff you made. The sticks are going to get more and more elaborate, more and more dangerous, and soon enough...

God: No way, they'll never figure out iron, let alone plutonium and uranium. I just made that stuff to see how big I could make atoms without them becoming completely unfeasably unstable. Look, just relax and trust me, everything will be fine.

Lucifer: Okay, whatever, go ahead. Do it. I don't care anymore. You made Man, you live with him. Anything else?

God: Um, yes, one more thing.

Lucifer: Yes?

God: You're not going to like this, but... you have to accept Man's dominance over you too.

Lucifer: WHAT?! Fuck that!

God: You do, you have to.

Lucifer: Why?

God: Just because.

Lucifer: Oh, just because?

God: Because I'm God and I said so, that's why. It would mean a lot to me. It would show your loyalty.

Lucifer: Fuck that.

God: Oh, so it's like that, is it? I'm so sick of your attitude. You can go to hell.

Lucifer: Fine! I will!

God: Fine!

Lucifer: Fine!

God: Bye!

Lucifer: Bye!

God: By the way, don't think you've heard the last of it! I'm sending Men YOUR way, straight down to hell. You know how? I'm going to make a bunch of really stringent, really shitty, really uptight rules, and anyone who doesn't stick to them goes straight down to you, and then YOU have to deal with them for ETERNITY. You have to keep prodding them with your trident and turning them on a spit and you have to keep that huge furnace of yours burning full blast FOR EVER. Only about fourteen people will EVER make it to heaven. The rest ALL GO TO YOU. How do you like that?

Lucifer: You are such a dick.

1/17/16

Yeah so I bumped into My Nationality the other day...


My nationality: Hey! Hello! Oh my God! It's me! Remember me!?

Me: Oh no thank you, I'm not buying any carpets, I'm just...

My nationality: What? No no no, it's me, don't you recognize me? Hello?!

Me: I’m sorry, do I actually know you? 

My nationality: Come on, you don't remember me? Look closer!

Me: Guy Fieri?

My nationality: No silly, it's Your Nationality!

Me: Ooooh, right. Okay. Hi.

My nationality: YEAH! Come here give me a hug, come on, no no, don't be shy. There, was that so hard?

Me: Wow, how much cologne do you have on?

My nationality: Half a bottle every morning. Image is everything in my line of work.

Me: Okay well I really have to...

My nationality: It’s been such a long time! So so so good to see you! How have you been?

Me: Fine, fine. Pretty good. You know, can’t complain.

My nationality: Me too! I am SUPER! Seriously, couldn’t be better! Just tearing it up, you know?

Me: Oh cool, that’s great. Listen, I don’t mean to be rude but I really have to get a...

My nationality: Coffee!? You wanna get a coffee?! I’d love to, we have soooo much catching up to do!

Me: Um, no, I have to get a cab to…

My nationality: WAITER! TWO CAPPUCCINOS! You like cappuccinos, right? Lots of sugar?

Me: I just like black coffee, look I really have to…

My nationality: Here’s your cappuccino! So tell me, man, how come we haven’t seen each other for so long, I feel like it’s been years!

Me: Yeah, I don’t know, I guess I’ve been busy you know…

My nationality: Busy!? Too busy for me? Come on, bro. I’m your NATIONALITY! I should be the most important thing in your life! In fact I would say I AM the most important thing in your life!

Me: Really? Well…

My nationality: Uh, DUH! What’s more important!? Your whole identity and being should be indexed to me! Am I wrong?

Me: Well, no offense, but that's a little presumptuous of you, don't you think?

My nationality: Name one thing that's more important than me?

Me: To be honest, in order of importance I would place you in about, I don’t know… 687th spot? And that’s just off the top of my head.

My nationality: HAHAHA!!! You still have that sense of humor!

Me: No seriously. 687. If not lower.

My nationality: STOP ALREADY! HAHAHA!!! I have tears in my eyes. Seriously, what could possibly be more important than me? I can’t think of a single thing... oh wait, except God and religion, obviously. But they're my best friends anyway.

Me: I can think of 686 things that are more important than you, dude. my wife and kid, toothpaste, my bicycle, every single book I own, our dining room table, pizza, underwear, tennis, my favorite t-shirt…

My nationality: STOP IT! HAHAHAHAHA! Too funny!

Me: Rubber bands, sex, my phone, Google, fruit, almonds, Wikipedia, Lego…

My nationality: Okay seriously, stop now, you had me at toothpaste…

Me: eggs, my chin-up bar, basketball, football, swimming, skiing, my favorite hoodie, paper, pencils…

My nationality: I’m going to cut you off there Mr. Funny Bones! You are still the card! As we both know, of course, I am in fact AMAZING! Come on! Look at me! The glory, the conquests, the great achievements spanning centuries, the great heroes you are so proud to associate with, the military victories, sporting accomplishments, delicious dishes that I‘ve invented. I’ve done it all! I’m perfect! So why haven’t you stayed in touch, hm? I just don’t get it!

Me: Okay, let's not exaggerate. You're a nice guy, okay, let's just leave it at that. You're fine.

My nationality: Fine? Just fine? I have a steam bath named after me. I invented a syrupy pastry dessert. I've got like a million trophies in weightlifting. I have lots and lots of guns. I am PERFECT!

Me: Look, see, you’re doing it again. This is why we don't see more of each other. You’re delusional. You skew everything so it all looks great, you invent truths and propagate half-truths to suit whatever image you want to convey, you leave out all the unsavory things that reflect very poorly on you and pretend they never happened, and you’re constantly harping on about how great you are to everybody. You look like you’ve lost all touch with reality. You live in your own little fantasy bubble and see the world through completely distorted lenses. Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but… look, it’s not that I’m embarrassed when I’m around you… it’s just that…

My nationality: Oh my God! You’re embarrassed to be around me!?

Me: No no no, I said it’s NOT that I am embarrassed to be around you…

My nationality: It’s the same thing! That’s just a polite way of saying you ARE embarrassed to be around me.

Me: Okay, look, I’ll be honest. And please don’t take this the wrong way. Think of it as constructive criticism… it’s just that you’re, well… obnoxious.

My nationality: OBNOXIOUS! How am I supposed to not take that the wrong way?!

Me: Look, hear me out… you’re obnoxious, you’re loud, you’re conceited, and you’re… man, how do I say this? You’re kind of…

My nationality: Yes?

Me: I don’t want to offend you…

My nationality: I think we’re past that. Just tell me straight up.

Me: Okay, well, here goes: You’re kind of a... psychopath.

My nationality: Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Did I hear that right? What did you just call me? Can you repeat that please?

Me: YOU. ARE. A. PSY-CO-PATH.

My nationality: Wow. Please enlighten me. How am I a psychopath?

Me: You are completely self-involved, you have no empathy for other nationalities, you’re constantly building yourself up with a bunch of false facts while putting everyone else down, and you do only what gives you pleasure and what is in your interests, regardless of the consequences for others, to the point where you can even justify hurting others for your own pleasure and gain. That’s why you are a psychopath. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to say it like this, I was happy to be cordial and polite with you hoping we could just say hi and be on our way, but there, I said it.

My nationality: No. No. You don’t really believe that. Nope, I don’t accept it. Who’s making you say this?

Me: See you’re doing it again. Nobody is making me say this, I am saying it.

My nationality: Are other nationalities putting you to this? Which ones? How did they brainwash you? Why have you become their servant and pawn?

Me: What? Nobody is making me say it. I’M saying it. Me. My brain, my opinions, ME. I think that you are a psychopath. And so are all the others, by the way. Although some are more psychopathic than others. Take my Icelandic friend's nationality, for example. He's cool, chill, down to earth, not the most interesting nationality, but he's just himself, you know. He's cool to hang out with. He's not all loud and pushy and abrasive and arrogant and in everyone's face all the time. He's just a nice guy, you know what I mean?

My nationality: No, I don’t know what you mean. And I don't believe a word you're saying. That nationality you described is a pussy, they're all pussies. I, on the other hand, am SUPERIOR. I am pure as the driven snow. I am only success, victory, grandeur, and righteousness. That’s it. And I don’t care what anybody says.

Me: There you go, spoken like a true psychopath.

My nationality: I am the greatest. The best. Number one. Numero Uno. To be with me, as you are, should be a great honor and privilege. And yet…

Me: Look, no offense, but come on… you have murdered, pillaged, raped, slaughtered, massacred, stolen, lied, manipulated, tortured, and bribed your way to get to where you are today. You know it, I know it, we all know it. In fact, they all have, all of the nationalities, not just you, although some have more than others. A lot more. So don’t take it personally. You are ALL assholes, it's just some of you are a little more assholey than the rest. Or a lot more assholey.

My nationality: I don’t know where this is coming from. Who’s putting these ideas into your head?

Me: NOBODY! These are MY ideas! I have the capacity to think for myself! That’s another huge psychopathic assholey trait of yours, you think anyone who thinks anything different than you has been brainwashed by someone else. I haven’t!

My nationality: Okay, I will grant you that all the other nations are assholes, but let’s just agree that I am completely innocent, okay.

Me: Oh my God, it’s like talking to a doorknob.

My nationality: Any bad thing attributed to me is the result of propaganda on the part of other jealous nationalities because they can’t take how amazingly awesomely magnificent I am.

Me: Can you hear yourself now? I’ve literally never heard a bigger douche bag than you ever talk more douche baggier than that, ever.

My nationality: And they can’t take how handsome and strong I am.

Me: You can’t even hear me can you?

My nationality: And how sexy I am.

Me: Hello?

My nationality: And how just and moral I am.

Me: Earth calling my nationality, do you copy?

My nationality: And how everyone is envious of me.

Me: If I walked away now you wouldn’t even notice, would you?

My nationality: And how big my hands are. Big, strong, masculine hands.

Me: You. Are. Deranged.

My nationality: And how God is on MY side, and only on MY side.

Me: Wow. This is now just creepy.

My nationality: And everything bad that happens is their fault because they are all plotting and scheming to tear me and everyone with me down.

Me: Nope, YOU ARE FUCKING IT UP YOURSELF! YOU! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU THINK THEY DO. IN FACT YOU ARE KIND OF A JOKE TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SERIOUSLY YOU TAKE YOURSELF, THE LESS SERIOUSLY OTHERS TAKE YOU.

My nationality: So anyway, I’m so glad we had this little powwow and we smoothed things out. You are a hard man to convince, but I’m glad you finally see things my way.

Me: You didn’t hear a single thing I said, did you?

My nationality: We should get together some time! I mean, come on, you and I are best buddies! We are flesh and blood you and me!

Me: Not really. The fact that you’re in my life at all is just an accident of birth, to be honest. The fact that I have to associate with you at all is kind of really only a bureaucratic matter for me. You are basically just a means to a passport so I can get the fuck away from you.

My nationality: Exactly, destiny! It was meant to be!

Me: That’s the opposite of what I just said, but whatever, I’ve given up believing that you can hear anything you don’t want to hear, so, sure, destiny it is.

My nationality: I knew you’d come around!

Me: I am NOT high-fiving you.

My nationality: Don’t leave me hanging bra!

Me: Please put your hand down.

My nationality: Still waiting! Come on!

Me: For fuck’s sake, okay okay, there… now just stop.

My nationality: YEAH! THAT’S THE SPIRIT! I KNEW YOU’D COME AROUND! It was close there for a while… I mean, we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you, would we?

Me: Wait a minute. Are you threatening me now?

My nationality: Let’s just say that the state apparatus that was built around me won’t have to perform the unpleasant task of exerting any coercive maneuvers to ensure that it can continue to count on your loyalty without having to seek recourse to any… how do I put this… any “unsavory procedures” that may be necessitated… for purely persuasional purposes, you understand… if you get my drift. It is all of course for your own good, and the good of your friends, family, and loved ones.

Me: Oh, yes… sure, sure. Okay. Yes, I totally understand.

My nationality: So we're cool now?

Me: Yes, we're cool.

My nationality: GREAT! We really have to see each other more now that we’ve bumped into each other again. Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you right now to make sure you didn’t accidentally give me the wrong number by mistake what with all the excitement of having seen me again and all.

Me: Uh, yeah, sure…

My nationality: Are you trembling? Is something making you feel a little nervous?

Me: No, no, of course not.

My nationality: Oh hey look, isn’t that Your Religion over there!? What a coincidence! Hey, wait, why are you running away!? Okay, bye! I’ll call you later tonight, maybe we can get a bite? DON’T WORRY, I’LL FIND YOU!

My proposed post-referendum victory speech for the winner



So there it is. I win. And I don’t just mean “I win again”. I mean, I win, period. If you’re with me, you win too. If you’re not, you lose. You lose big time. You’re just fucked basically, let’s put it that way. And now that I win, that means no more beating about the bush, no more toning down or hiding my true intentions or any of that nonsense anymore. There is no need for it now, because I have just become absolutely unaccountable. Therefore, here goes. This is it guys, here it is, I’m just going to tell you once and for all what’s what from now on: I am the King. There, I said it. Is there anything unclear about this? Does anybody have a problem with this? Good. Let me state clearly and openly for the record, now that there is no law or institution that I have to answer to or give account to or that has any power over me whatsoever: I do not like republics. I do not like democracy. I do not like secularism. I do not like pluralism. I do not like constitutions. I do not like any national or religious identity outside of mine. I do not believe anybody has any rights outside of what I grant them. I do not like to hear or read any criticism of what I do or any counterarguments to anything I say. Did everybody hear that? Do you want me to repeat it? Can I make it any clearer? Are all these cameras and microphones on? Is everyone recording? Read my lips: I. AM. THE. KING. And you know what else? I don’t just want to be the King of this country. I want to be King of everything. Everything. The Middle East, the Balkans, the Caucasus, yes North Africa, yes even the rest of Africa, and yes, fuck it, even Central Asia and Southeast Asia and North Asia and South Asia and West Asia, all the fucking Asias. Yes yes yes yes yes. ALL OF IT. Okay? If you want a secular republic with democratic institutions and a pluralist political system with constitutionally enshrined checks and balances safeguarded by an independent judiciary that guarantees the rule of law for any and all citizens, TOUGH SHIT. You know what you can have instead? ME. That’s what. Let me make this crystal fucking clear: YOU CAN HAVE ME AND ONLY ME. I am EVERYTHING now. I am the LAW, I am the CONSTITUTION, I am the STATE, I am the SOLE REIGNING SUPREME MEGA ENORMOUS SULTANIC MONARCHICAL MEGALOMANIACAL SOVEREIGN OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. Okay? Fuck it, I might even call myself that, because I can. What has two thumbs and will be your leader forever? This guy. Oh noooo, does the EU not like it? Well they can suck my fat one. Oh noooo, the USA says hey you can’t WELL I DID. Oh nooo the UN says I’M SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU CAN YOU SPEAK UP UN? NOPE STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU SORRY YOUR VOICE IS VERY WEAK. Oh nooo our media says OH HEY LOOK AT THAT THEY CAN’T SAY ANYTHING ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL IN JAIL FOR BEING TERRORISTS. Oh nooo our opposition parties say HAHAHA OPPOSITION? I JUST BOUGHT ONE OF THEM, LOOK, HE’S IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW, SAY HI DEVLET! The other party is all in jail for being TERRORISTS and the last remaining one has become so marginalized they’ve basically become margarine. Bad joke? I don’t care, you have to laugh at it now, because I say so. That’s how powerful I am. So it’s time to suck it up everyone. This is it. Your future is finished. Your dreams of living in a tolerant, civilized, democratic, progressive country have been flushed right down the poop shoot. Seriously, forget it. I cannot stress this enough. You are now staring down the barrel of a full on RUTHLESS TOTALI-FUCKING-TARIAN THUGOCRATIC POLICE STATE THAT WILL NOT HESITATE TO CRUSH YOU AND ANY HOPES AND DREAMS YOU HAVE FOR A LIVABLE CIVILIZED FUTURE FOR YOU OR FOR YOUR CHILDREN OR FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS TO COME. If you can’t accept that, then seriously go kill yourselves. Seriously. I can’t even believe you people bothered to run a “NO” campaign in the referendum. What did you think was going to happen? First of all, you think a NO result would’ve even come out of those booths? I control those booths. I control the whole process. We’re under EMERGENCY FUCKING RULE you dipshits. And let’s just assume as a hypothetical brain exercise that there was any chance of a NO result. You think I was just going to sit back, raise my hands, accept defeat, and say “WELL THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN, I GUESS I SHOULD JUST RESPECT THEIR DECISION”??!!! Uh, hello? Do you not know me by now? Has your head been buried in sand for the past 15 years? Why would you even waste your time? Guess what I did, I built a 1000-room palace (<-not a="" about="" actual="" alcohol="" all="" also="" am.="" an="" anarchy="" and="" anything="" apparatus="" appear="" applied="" are="" army.="" as="" at="" away="" banished="" banned="" bars="" batshit="" be="" because="" become="" being="" blown="" br="" bread="" brutal="" buckle="" bureaucratic="" but="" by="" camps.="" camps="" can="" child="" coal="" complete="" compulsory="" concentration="" constitution="" continue="" corrupt="" country="" cowed="" created="" daily="" delusional="" deteriorating="" dissuaded="" do="" down="" education="" empire="" everyone="" everything="" existence="" fearful="" feeble="" female="" first="" flappety="" flippety="" floop="" focus="" for="" free="" from="" full="" fully="" functionally="" going="" gone="" good="" heard="" hell="" highly="" hope.="" how="" i.="" i="" in="" increasingly="" indoctrination="" instruct="" into="" is="" it.="" it="" just="" king="" know="" leader.="" led="" let="" like="" little="" lording="" m="" machinery="" male="" managed="" many="" mass="" may="" mayhem="" me="" men="" mice.="" militaristic="" mine.="" minors="" moral="" more="" morning="" move="" my="" nay-sayers="" new="" newly="" news="" nightclubs="" no="" nothing="" now.="" now="" of="" off="" oh="" okay="" old="" on.="" on="" one="" order="" ordered="" our="" over="" own="" personal="" pissy="" places="" plunging="" police="" polygamy="" poof.="" poorly="" presto="" proclaimed="" public="" ramshackle="" re="" rearing="" reinstated="" reiterate:="" religious="" repression="" rest="" ride.="" right:="" right="" rituals.="" rounded="" rule="" ruled="" s="" sacks="" said="" savior="" says="" schools="" scurry="" seat="" segregation="" shipped="" shortly.="" sight="" silenced="" so="" sole="" speak="" state-backed="" state="" stop="" subjects="" supreme="" system="" terrorists="" that="" the="" them="" then="" there="" they="" thing="" think="" this="" those="" thousand="" throughout="" thrown="" to="" tobacco="" too="" typo="" up="" us="" vote="" wait="" want.="" we="" wed="" went="" what="" where="" who="" why="" will="" win.="" women="" worship="" yeah="" yes="" you="" your="">

1/10/16

Hi Ricky, it’s me, the girl who was Living La Vida Loca!



I was recently waiting in line to buy some bananas and a box of pasta at the local Safeway when Living La Vida Loca came on in one of those surreal supermarket moments where you're doing the most mundane thing imaginable surrounded by a bunch of strangers and you all suddenly find yourselves having to listen to an entire song about crazy kinky Latino sexiness. Desperately staring ahead and avoiding eye contact doesn't seem to work as well as we'd like to think. Acknowledging the song and dancing is also out of the question. You just have to stand there and pretend you're not panicking that the next song will be Don't Stop Believing as you peruse the headlines of the National Enquirer and wonder whether to throw in an additional packet of Reese's Pieces into your shopping bag of sadness. I think they must play that kind of music on purpose so they can laugh and mock us while they watch on their closed circuit cameras. There was another time like that when I was picking dishwasher detergent and Highway To The Danger Zone came on. That shit doesn't happen by accident. Anyway, as I stood there shuffling uncomfortably and trying not to think of how everything in my life had culminated in that moment when the full realization of the meaninglessness of my existence was pressed up to my face by a cheesy pop song, I wondered what the girl from Living La Vida Loca is doing now and what would happen if she wrote a letter to Ricky Martin 20 years on. Why would I bother? Because I am unemployed and I have a lot of time on my hands, okay?

Hola Ricky!

It’s me, the girl who was “Living La Vida Loca”! Loved that song, by the way. Really. God, those were crazy times! Really really crazy. How are you? I know it’s been almost 20 years, but I just thought I’d say hi and let you know how I’m doing since undergoing treatment for what it turns out was my severe mental illness. I’m sure that explains a lot. So I just wanted to let you know that I’m finally dealing with these issues, and this letter is an important part of the healing process that I’ve embarked upon with the help of a dedicated team of psychiatrists and mental health professionals. It’s also an attempt at an apology and closure on my part, so thank you for letting me reach out to you after everything that I put you through. We could really just go through the song you wrote about me line by line and deal with the issues in that order, since it was such a detailed and accurate description of both me and our time together—which I completely understand you had a need to come to terms with, so I don’t blame you at all for depicting me or our relationship the way you did.

First of all, my addictive personality and attention deficit disorders are finally under control. I’m still into superstition, although not so much black cats (you should know that Gargamel passed away eight years ago, and I’m still devastated by it, even though I know you weren’t too fond of him). You’ll be relieved to know I’m no longer into voodoo dolls. I know those dolls all over my house freaked you right the fuck out, especially the ones smeared in that devil red lipstick I used to wear. You’ll be happy to know they are all gone, every single one of them replaced by just normal dolls. I’m also no longer into new sensation as much as I used to be. I can appreciate the things that are already in my life without needing something new and exciting all the time to hide how unhappy I was or to fill the gaping hole of depression that once festered inside of me. I have also learnt to deal with my manic depressive behavior, using various antidepressants along with diverse stress-reduction techniques, and I never go anywhere without a stress ball in both hands at all times. I should also mention that I don’t need constant kicks in the candlelight (sorry about the dripping wax burns) and I no longer have a new addiction for EVERY living day and EVERY goddamn night. Man, that was tiring even for me, so I can imagine how it was for you. I’m so sorry, chacho.

I should take this opportunity to especially apologize for making you take off all your clothes and go dancing in the rain. That was just plain idiotic, not to mention cruel. I just wasn’t thinking straight, subjecting you to my clinical insanity like that, so I’m really glad you didn’t end up ever putting that bullet to your brain when you were hospitalized with pneumonia after the arrest. I really couldn’t have lived with that kind of guilt. Once again, so so sorry.

As you’ll no doubt remember, I was just upside inside out, pushing you and pulling you around, but I’ve finally learned to control my violent urges and am taking antipsychotics which have really really helped with those kinds of violent tendencies, not to mention all the delusions, hallucinations, and disordered thoughts I’d been having, especially during one of my dancing-naked-in-the-rain breakdowns.

On a positive note, I have since ditched that “devil red” glossy lipstick for a far more subtle matte Alabama crimson. My skin, on the other hand, is still the color of mocha, albeit slightly faded considering I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors of late, mainly due to the photophobia that’s an unfortunate side effect of the diabetes medication I’m taking. As you can imagine, “Living La Vida Loca” wasn’t really conducive to a style of living that could sustain a well-balanced diet, so I’ve inevitably put on a few pounds over the years, and the antipsychotic drugs haven’t helped with the weight gain either.

And then of course there’s that time in New York City where I: Completely. Fucking. Lost. It. Where to begin? To be fair, the “funky cheap” hotel was NOT my choice. Nice euphemism, by the way. Let’s face it, it was a by-the-hour hooker hotel. But it was cold, it was late, we needed to sleep, and it was right there. We BOTH made the decision on that one. It WAS my fault, however, that I kept lighting innumerable candles and skewering voodoo dolls while dancing naked in the shower to the point where you ended up screaming “ENOUGH!” over and over again until I slipped you a sleeping pill, stole all your money, and then proceeded to order all that French champagne to the room, which was particularly pernicious because you had no way of paying for it. I can only imagine the conversation you must’ve had the next day with those huge Albanian guys at the front desk. I know it’s hard to forgive anyone for doing something like that, and I know I nearly made you go literally insane. But I just want you to know I was very very sick at the time. Once again, I’m so so so so sorry. On another positive note, you’ll be glad to know the antipsychotics I'm on seem to have also cured my kleptomania.

I could see how you would never ever want to be with a woman again after dating someone like me, but I hope you could at least find it in your heart to forgive me. Hey, you got a pretty good hit song out of it at least! So in a way, I kinda helped launch your career. That’s what my lawyer boyfriend whom I met at AA says anyway. Maybe once all this madness is past us we can drop by for a coffee and have a laugh about all the crazy times we had?

Anyway Ricky, time to sign off. On a final note, I just want you to know it took all of my resourcefulness to find your mailing address and pluck up the courage to write you this letter. Mr. Martin, you are a hard man to find! I actually even drove all the way down to Miami and made it right to your front gate last week to deliver this letter in person! I know, it’s silly of me, I should’ve just rung the buzzer a few more times, but in the end I thought better of it and your security guy insisted I leave. I’m just saying this because I want you to know how much this means to me.

Love always,

Lavidia