1/4/14

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature series: The Demon




This is a demon. But do not be alarmed, because for all their ferocious and fearful reputation, demons are actually a pretty lame species of fantastic creature. They are in fact quite harmless, and not just because they’re fantastic and don’t really exist. They are harmless because it’s obvious that even if they did exist, they have no discernible teeth or claws, as can be seen in this chalkboard drawing. A creature without teeth and claws cannot do much harm, let alone the picture of a creature with no teeth and claws. Okay, he has horns, but they're much smaller than you would imagine a demon having. On the other hand, demons are fabulously ornate and eye-catching, as can be seen by all the colors produced by my Italian chalk set from which this creature emanated. I bought that chalk set at a nearby stationary store for a mere five bucks. But from that five buck chalk set has emerged one of the most primordial and feared creatures ever conjured by the human psyche. That’s pretty good value for money if you ask me. Plus if he gets too uppity about being a demon, I can just wipe him off the chalkboard with a wet paper towel. Yes, it’s that easy. The manifestations of evil and all of Satan’s hellish horde can be defeated with a mere wet paper towel. So it’s true what they say: evil doesn’t pay.

By the way, you may choose to ignore the pre-natal vitamins and Horehounds that lie beneath the demon in a lesser infernal realm.


1/3/14

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature series: Tecnicolored Fire Breathing Dragon



Dragons are funny creatures, because they're basically what we thought dinosaurs were when we found their fossils and bones while building temples for trident-wielding sea gods and we couldn't make any sense of what we found because that was back when we thought the world was a 5000 year-old lab experiment conjured up by some giant space magician. Now, of course, we know that everything was really just an unfortunate accident that got out of hand to the point where there were... DINOSAURS. Dragons are a pretty accurate guess at what a dinosaur might be, though, because, like dinosaurs, dragons seem to be giant lizards. I mean, it would've been pretty embarrassing if people thought dinosaurs were enormous squirrels. So kudos to our ancestors for not getting it totally wrong. Where the wings and fire-breathing comes in is hard to say, but considering the kind of wacky animals that do exist, wings and fire breathing aren't the silliest attributes to give an imaginary animal like a dragon. Plus it seems like a T-Rex should breathe fire or something cool like that... something to make up for those tiny little arms they have. Seriously, how funny are those? "I AM A T-REX, I WILL DESTROY YOU!!! Now just hold still while I fumble around and poke you to death with my tiny little claws".

This dragon blows tecnicolored fire clouds, and doesn't have wings. Think about it, would you fly up into a tecnicolored fire cloud? 

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature Series: Flaming Feather Limbed Farty Bubble Tailed etc etc


This is a... I don't know, let's call it a flaming feather limbed tree dwelling bearded bubble tail dragon lizard. It has colored flaming feathers on its limbs and neck, and it blows bubbles out of its tail, which is actually probably just a really long protruding anus, isn't it? Kinda like what happened to the nose of an elephant's ancestor, but from the other side. Kind of like a postboscis rather than a proboscis. What are the evolutionary advantages of blowing bubbles out of a really long protruding anus? Well, for one, those bubbles probably stink, so you don't want those things floating up and popping around your nostrils when you're on the hunt for a flaming feather limbed tre... one of these. On the other hand, that tail looks like it can get into nooks and crannies in trees where the fart bubbles can flush out prey, like grubs or beetles. Also he has a long white beard for some reason, and antennas for whatever antennas do. The ideal ecosystem in which you'll find one of these flaming feather limbed tree dwelling bearded farty bubble tail dragon lizards are rainy days just after finishing work while the baby's napping and I have too much time on my hands and don't feel like reading or doing anything even mildly productive (like read Baby Led Weaning even though she insists it's really important we read it but I can't get past page 50 because it's BORING BORING BORING) why are you still reading this?

1/2/14

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature series: Sabertooth Bird



Birds are a dime a dozen, but tropical birds with massive sabertooth tiger fangs designed to rip their prey's throat to shreds? Come on! This guy was perched on our kitchen blackboard right by the baby vitamins and iron drops, just above the rubber bands and colored chalk from which he was born. For days, he sat and observed as we made breakfast, prepared dinner, and washed dishes. His patience and tranquility was reassuring, but the fangs always left you wondering whether he wouldn't just jump out and cause havoc on a whim. Perched on a branch that stretched across the other side of a window unto an imaginary chalkboard realm, the bird would just sit there and observe. Then one day the window was gone with a few swipes of the arm and a wet paper cloth. But new visitors would be expected now. The gateway was open unto a new world of chalkboard creatures.

Those are testicles under his chin, by the way.