1/6/14

Let’s be grateful we don’t have a commentating God


Of all the Gods we could have had, it always seemed to me lucky that we didn’t have a commentating God that would just kind of hover over us commentating on everything we did. Some people believe in an interventionist God, one who has a big invisible Godly hand in day to day things and who supposedly thinks “I’ll help this little kid out with his math exam” or “MUDSLIDE!” Other people believe God is non-interventionist, just kind of sitting back, chilling out, waiting for the right moment to reward or (more likely) punish you. Some believe there’s a creator God who created everything (except himself, presumably); others that there’s a theist and monist God who is everything and always has been. There’s a Judeo-Christian-Islamic God with laws and rules and books and prophets, and there’s a deist variety of God who’s more kind of just indiscreetly there somewhere, kind of aloof from the whole thing. But despite having all those kinds of Gods, I really think it’s wonderful that, of all the Gods we could’ve had, we didn’t have a commentating God, at least not since the time of the Greeks, when Ares and Athena would get all bitchy with each other as they played finger puppets with Hector and Achilles. I mean, God could’ve picked that path for himself, right? He may have thought “Instead of sending books and prophets that are full of contradictions like ‘Circumcise! Don’t circumcise! Circumcise!’, why don’t I just give live real time comments on everything everyone does?” And he might have had a point, since all those prophets and books haven’t done anything except make the world a more fractious, violent place. But can you imagine how much worse it would‘ve been if we‘d had a commentating God? Here are some terrible scenarios that come to mind:

1. He would probably be unbearably sarcastic all the time
Could you imagine the amount of sarcasm we would all get from a perfect being who’s constantly commentating on everything humans do? He’d always be saying stuff like “Wow, nice job ironing that shirt, were you raised by monkeys?” or “Gee let‘s see if your shoddy construction materials can withstand my earthquake… uh-oh, I guess not” or “Cool gambling problem you have there, Robert, hope you’re looking forward to an eternity of hellfire?” or “Hm, last time I checked, I said adultery was a sin… although technically I didn’t say anything specific about NOT getting tied up, whipped, and fisted by a tranny hooker at a roadside motel, so carry on Steve, by all means…”. Plus he’d be commentating out loud so everybody around could hear him. It would be so embarrassing.

2. Or alternatively, he would be annoyingly helpful
God: “Hey there Brad, maybe you should water the lawn in the mornings and evenings when there isn’t such direct sunlight so you don’t scorch the grass… hmm, that’s not the best way to roll up the hose, try wrapping it around your hand and elbow… yeah, there you go… hey, the pasta water’s boiling, wanna tell Sheryl? She’s in the backyard putting up the laundry… ooh, the baby’s about to wake up. I suggest you throw the pasta in the pot and give it a quick stir so it doesn’t stick, maybe pour in a little olive oil, then go check the baby… up to you, I’m just saying, I can see everything from here… you know, omniscience and all… also you might want to unplug the juicer, better safe than…” etc.
You: “Okay God, geez”
God: “Hey, I'm just trying to help”

3. God would spoil all your relationships because he’d keep commenting on what happens in the future 
You: “I have a date today! She’s amazing, we met at Dave’s party, apparently she’s into Tae-Bo and…”
God: “Forget it.”
You: “What?”
God: “She’s too good for you. It’ll seem like it’s working out at first but then she dumps you in three weeks.”
You: “What? Oh, man. I was really looking forward to that date.”
God: “I don’t blame you, she’s hot, she’s smart, she’s cool… but that’s also kind of why she dumps you. You see the irony there?”
You: “Yeah”
God: “You want to be with her because of those qualities, but it’s those very same qualities that make her impossible for you to get”
You: “Yes okay, I got it, thank you. Would I end up having sex with her at least?”
God: “Um, yes. But trust me, you don’t want to. You get all excited and... well, you know... the girl says it’s ‘okay’, but of course it’s not… you know how you are”
You: “Okay okay, wow, you‘re really laying it thick today. Geez. Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”
God: “I think you’re confusing me with a fairy godmother. Technically, I’m a commentating God, so I really just offer commentary”
You: “Hey what about her?”
God: “Shyeah, right!”
You: “Why?”
God: “Seriously? You want me to tell you how that works out? Please, make my day, I’d love to see the expression on your face”
You: “Okay, you don’t have to be a dick about it”
God: “What did you call me?”
You: “Nothing. What about Caroline? The one from…”
God: “Yes, I know Caroline. I was the one who shouted HIGH FIVE! when you two made out at her mom’s place, remember?”
You: “Yeah thanks again for that, that went down real well”
God: “Look, I have good news for you. You and Caroline fall in love, have three beautiful children, and live happily ever after”
You: “Wow, really?”
God: “Yes”
You: “You’re not fucking with me?“
God: “Nope”
You: “Because this sounds like another one of your sarcastic set-ups where you go NO, SHE DUMPS YOU!”
God: “It’s not, trust me.”
You: “Great, well then I’ll call her now”
God: “But…”
You: “I knew it. What?”
God: “She dies of cancer on October 6, 2041.”
You: “Why would you tell me that? And why would you tell me the specific date? You’re such a…”
God: “Don’t say it”
You: “Okay, but can’t you see that was a dick move?”
God: “Yeah well, she suffers for years, you eat up your savings, and she dies. Painfully.”
You: “Awesome, thanks.”
God: “Wait, that’s not it”
You: “Oh goodie”
God: “You live another 13 lonely years after she dies and then you die of pneumonia.”
You: “Is that it?”
God: “Yes. That’s the worst of it anyway”
You: “Oookay, so I won’t be calling Caroline after all”
God: “Well, she’s still your best bet.”
You: “What about that girl there? She’s cute”
God: “Herpes”
You: “You are no fun”

4. Forget about watching sports with your favorite sports commentators
John McEnroe: “That was a great crosscourt forehand, Tony, I think Djokovic is looking really…”
God: “Excuse me, excuse me, John and Tony, sorry to butt in again, but don’t you think he should’ve gone down the line on that and wrong footed Murray? I seem to think so.”
John McEnroe: “Yeah well, he could’ve I guess but…”
God: “Yes he could’ve, he definitely could’ve.”
John McEnroe: “But with all due respect, he still won the point pretty convincingly”
God: “Ummm… who’s God? You? Are you God, John?”
John McEnroe: “No, of course not. I‘m just saying…I think my opinion as a former world number one counts”
God: “Oh by all means! By all means, John, I’m not taking that away from you, I’ll give you that. It’s just that you were world number one in tennis, John, whereas I’m world number one in EVERYTHING. I’m world number one in the WORLD. I’m world number one in the UNIVERSE. Do you catch my drift?”
John McEnroe: “!#*%$#$”
God: “Sounds like somebody still has anger issues”

5. You couldn’t watch a movie without God spoiling it for you all the time.
God: “What did you pick? Oh that’s a good one, definitely watch that one, it has an amazing twist at the end”
You: “Okay I‘m going to. Look, God, I appreciate the help picking out a movie, but just don’t talk through the whole thing this time, okay? And stop saying what‘s about to happen”
God: “Um, well, technically I’m a commentating God, so I can’t make any big promises… oh, shhhhh, look, you’re going to want to see the beginning of this”
You: “Alright, see, you’ve already started”
God: “Just pause it first, pause it or you’ll miss it. Look, did you see that? Did you see what he just did? That‘s going to be important later”
You: “No, I didn’t see it, because I was busy telling you not to interrupt. Do you see my point?”
God: “Okay, you know what, just fast forward to 36:40, there’s an amazing car chase”
You: “First of all, you don't ‘fast forward’ anymore, we’re not watching a Betamax video. You skip…”
God: “Okay smarty pants, that’s what I meant, skip to 36:40... Man, you’re pretty lippy for someone talking to the supreme creator of the universe, you know that?”
You: “Yeah well you’ve ruined films for me. And you don’t have to bring out the ‘I’m God’ card every time we have an argument. We get it, you’re God”
God: “Well sometimes I feel like I have to remind peoOH THIS A GREAT SCENE, YOU TOTALLY SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S TITS!”
You: “Can’t you do that any time you want anyway?”
God: “Well, yes, I suppose I can. But it’s different when it comes up in a movie, I don‘t know why… oh great you missed it, mister lippy. There was nipple and everything. Just rewind…wait, I mean skip backward”
You: “AAAAGH!”

6. He’d be the worst backseat driver ever
God: “I told you to take that left on Edmunson, now you’re going southwest toward the I-50, and that’s going to take you to..”
You: “PLEASE! I’m driving here, my wife has the map, we’re doing the best we can”
Wife: “He’s right though, I don’t know why you don’t listen to him”
God: “Thank you Linda. See? She’s smart”
You: “Oh now you too, Linda? You’re ganging up on me? It’s like I have two wives in the car, great”
Wife: “I just don’t know why you’re too proud to ask for directions, especially when God is giving them”
God: “I know, right? I was just about to say that. Typical men”
Wife: “Don’t get all cocky, you're the one who made them like that”
God: “Um, yeah I guess I did”
You: “Yeah, so it’s not my fault, it’s yours”
God: “Oh great, now you’re both ganging up on me? I’m…”
Man and Wife together: “you’re God, yes we know
God: “Pfff, that’s not what I was going to say”
Man: “Oh really? What were you going to say?”
God: “….”
Man: “That’s what I thought”
God: “Oh bite me, seriously, you have a deity to help you out and you prefer to... LOOK OUT, POTHOLE! Why are you going so fast? Wait, do you have enough gas?”
Man: “I don‘t actually, would you mind doing a little God magic and putting some in the tank, I promise next time I‘ll…”
God: “Let me guess, you’ll promise to listen to me next time I tell you to pull into a gas station because it‘s the last one for the next hundred miles? Yes well, too late for that. Besides, I’m a commentating God, not a gas station attendant God”
Man: “You are so annoying”
God: “You are”

7. Sir David Attenborough wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise
Attenborough: “Here, in the Patagonian plains, one bird has prospered above all: the Yellow-Tailed Austral Thrush, which is…”
God: “A-DOR-A-BLE! Am I right?”
Attenborough: “Ahem. As I was saying, the Yellow-Tailed Austral Thrush…”
God [in a sarcastic Attenborough tone]: “the Yellow-Tailed Austral Thrush nyah nyah nyah, look at me I‘m Sir David Attenborough, I know everything about animals myeh myeh myeh I think I‘m God
Attenborough: “Okay cut. We’ll just wait until…”
God: “Until what? God leaves? Where am I going to go? There? Oh wait I’m already there! I’m everywhere”
Attenborough: “…..”
God: “I am omnipresent, beeyatch. Sorry, okay, go on, I was just kidding around. Seriously, go ahead, I’m not going to interrupt you Sir David. Proceed.”
Attenborough: “Okay, thank you. As I was saying, the Yellow Tailed Austral Thrush has prospered above all others in the…”
God: “AND HIS GREATEST PREDATOR IS MAN!”
Attenborough: “…….”
God: “………”
Attenborough: “……..”
God: “That’s what you were going to say right?”
Attenborough: “Well…”
God: “You were, weren’t you? You always say that.”
Attenborough: “Yes well, eventually I suppose I was.”
God: “Yup.”

8. Evolutionists would have much tougher debates
Richard Dawkins: “The fossil and DNA evidence suggests that genetic mutation through natural selection has been the driving biological factor behind the evolution of species in their constant need to adapt to various ecosyst…”
God: “ZAP!”
Dawkins: “Excuse me?”
God: “I said ZAP!”
Dawkins: “I don’t… I don’t understand”
God: “That’s how I did it. I went ZAP!”
Dawkins: “What do you mean you went zap?”
God: “I mean none of that fossil DNA natural selection mutation bullshit is real, it’s all just made up”
Dawkins: “So then how do you explain the origin of species?”
God: “I just told you. I went ZAP, and there it was, a giraffe.”
Dawkins: “A giraffe?”
God: “Or whatever. A hippo, a leopard, a dung beetle, your mom. ZAP!”
Dawkins: “You actually say ‘zap’ when you do that?”
God: “Well, not necessarily. Sometimes I do. Or sometimes I just go BLAM!”
Dawkins: “Mmhm. I see.”
God: “Or KABLOOIEE!! I did that with dragons”
Dawkins: “So there were dragons?”
God: “Don’t be silly, I was just messing with you. But yes, sometimes I say kablooie… or SHAZZAMAZOOO! Then I do this really cool thing where I furrow my brows and shoot lightning out of my fingertips as my voice thunders across the sky going LADYBUGS!!!”
Dawkins: “I can’t continue this infantile debate”
God: “You’re infantile, with all your scientific gobbledygook”
Dawkins: “Look, the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of…”
God: “ME going ZAP! That‘s what the evidence is in favor of”
Dawkins: “That’s it, I’m done, this debate is over”
God: “Okay, wait, let’s talk about your book then, The Selfish Gene”
Dawkins: “Really? You're not just being sarcastic?”
God: “No sir, I would seriously like to talk about it.”
Dawkins: “I feel like I'm going to regret this, but okay then, go ahead”
God: “I think it seems a pretty big generalization to say Genes are selfish”
Dawkins: “Yes well, let me explain...”
God: “I mean, is Gene Hackman selfish?”
Dawkins: “Ugh, I should've seen that coming”
God: “Or what about Gene Wilder, was he selfish?”
Dawkins: “Okay I’m out of here”
God: “Wait, Richard, one last thing… your friend Christopher Hitchens says hi!”
Dawkins: “What?”
God: “Yeah, says he was wrong about the whole atheism thing.”
Dawkins: “You don't say”
God: “Says Hell is pretty shitty”
Dawkins: “Okay that’s enough”
God: “Says he wished he’d prayed to me more often”
Dawkins: “Oh fuck you”
God: “Ha! You wish!”

9. Religious people would get sick of God commentating during their sermons and lose faith in their religion
Priest: “Our Father which art in heaven
God: “That’s me”
Priest: “Hallowed be thy name
God: “Damn right”
Priest: “Thy kingdom come
God: “Sure will”
Priest: “Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven
God: “Zap! Kablooie! Abracadabra!”
Priest: “Give us this day our daily bread
God: “You got it”
Priest: “And forgive us our trespasses
God: “Well, we’ll see about that, I mean what if you’re a serial killer?”
Priest: “As we forgive those who trespass against us
God: “Except maybe serial killers... or pedophiles, what about them?”
Priest: “And…uh… lead us not into temptation
God: “Sorry, am I distracting you?”
Priest: “It’s fine… where was I? Oh yes… but deliver us from evil
God: “Amen!”
Priest: “Not yet… For thine is the kingdom
God: “Mine, thine, ourth, theirth”
Priest: “[Sigh]… and the power, and the glory
God: “Fuck yes”
Priest: “Forever and ever
God: “I’d like one more ‘ever’ added to that line”
Priest: “Amen
God: “Okay there it is… Amen!”
Priest: “Would you PLEASE just shut up!?”
God: “Whoa… are you talking to me?”
Priest: “Yes! You don’t need to comment on everything, just be quiet and let us worship you in peace, just once, how about that?”
God: “Just take it easy, you’re having a priest tantrum”
Priest: “Guess why? Guess why I’m having a priest tantrum? Because you won‘t stop talking and commenting on every little fucking thing”
God: “Watch your language, you’re in a house me”
Priest: “I don’t care anymore, you are UNBEARABLE. Look at these poor worshipers! They’re stunned and frightened. This should be a place of solace and peace. There is HORROR on their faces”
God: “Well maybe if you didn’t flip out in front of everyone”
Priest: “Maybe I wouldn’t flip out if you didn’t talk all through my sermon, which, by the way, we’re all doing for YOU, and you just fucking talk right through it”
God: “Okay okay, geez, just tell me to hush down next time”
Priest: “But that’s just it, I DO, I do tell you to hush down every time, every fucking time”
God: “Oh great, people are leaving. People are leaving the church. That’s just what I need, more people leaving the church”
Priest: “It’s your fault, you’re SO annoying”
God: “Well then why are you dedicating your life to me? Why don't you dedicate yourself to lawn bowling or something instead?”
Priest: “I should've. I can't believe I gave up sex for you”
God: “Oh right, I guess fondling little choir boys doesn't count as sex”
Priest: “Hey, that's uncalled for”
God: “Fuck you”
Priest: “Fuck you”

10. Sex would be really awkward
God: “Yeaaaah… mmhmm… like that, oooh yeah… nice”
You two: “HEY!”

1/4/14

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature series: The Demon




This is a demon. But do not be alarmed, because for all their ferocious and fearful reputation, demons are actually a pretty lame species of fantastic creature. They are in fact quite harmless, and not just because they’re fantastic and don’t really exist. They are harmless because it’s obvious that even if they did exist, they have no discernible teeth or claws, as can be seen in this chalkboard drawing. A creature without teeth and claws cannot do much harm, let alone the picture of a creature with no teeth and claws. Okay, he has horns, but they're much smaller than you would imagine a demon having. On the other hand, demons are fabulously ornate and eye-catching, as can be seen by all the colors produced by my Italian chalk set from which this creature emanated. I bought that chalk set at a nearby stationary store for a mere five bucks. But from that five buck chalk set has emerged one of the most primordial and feared creatures ever conjured by the human psyche. That’s pretty good value for money if you ask me. Plus if he gets too uppity about being a demon, I can just wipe him off the chalkboard with a wet paper towel. Yes, it’s that easy. The manifestations of evil and all of Satan’s hellish horde can be defeated with a mere wet paper towel. So it’s true what they say: evil doesn’t pay.

By the way, you may choose to ignore the pre-natal vitamins and Horehounds that lie beneath the demon in a lesser infernal realm.


1/3/14

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature series: Tecnicolored Fire Breathing Dragon



Dragons are funny creatures, because they're basically what we thought dinosaurs were when we found their fossils and bones while building temples for trident-wielding sea gods and we couldn't make any sense of what we found because that was back when we thought the world was a 5000 year-old lab experiment conjured up by some giant space magician. Now, of course, we know that everything was really just an unfortunate accident that got out of hand to the point where there were... DINOSAURS. Dragons are a pretty accurate guess at what a dinosaur might be, though, because, like dinosaurs, dragons seem to be giant lizards. I mean, it would've been pretty embarrassing if people thought dinosaurs were enormous squirrels. So kudos to our ancestors for not getting it totally wrong. Where the wings and fire-breathing comes in is hard to say, but considering the kind of wacky animals that do exist, wings and fire breathing aren't the silliest attributes to give an imaginary animal like a dragon. Plus it seems like a T-Rex should breathe fire or something cool like that... something to make up for those tiny little arms they have. Seriously, how funny are those? "I AM A T-REX, I WILL DESTROY YOU!!! Now just hold still while I fumble around and poke you to death with my tiny little claws".

This dragon blows tecnicolored fire clouds, and doesn't have wings. Think about it, would you fly up into a tecnicolored fire cloud? 

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature Series: Flaming Feather Limbed Farty Bubble Tailed etc etc


This is a... I don't know, let's call it a flaming feather limbed tree dwelling bearded bubble tail dragon lizard. It has colored flaming feathers on its limbs and neck, and it blows bubbles out of its tail, which is actually probably just a really long protruding anus, isn't it? Kinda like what happened to the nose of an elephant's ancestor, but from the other side. Kind of like a postboscis rather than a proboscis. What are the evolutionary advantages of blowing bubbles out of a really long protruding anus? Well, for one, those bubbles probably stink, so you don't want those things floating up and popping around your nostrils when you're on the hunt for a flaming feather limbed tre... one of these. On the other hand, that tail looks like it can get into nooks and crannies in trees where the fart bubbles can flush out prey, like grubs or beetles. Also he has a long white beard for some reason, and antennas for whatever antennas do. The ideal ecosystem in which you'll find one of these flaming feather limbed tree dwelling bearded farty bubble tail dragon lizards are rainy days just after finishing work while the baby's napping and I have too much time on my hands and don't feel like reading or doing anything even mildly productive (like read Baby Led Weaning even though she insists it's really important we read it but I can't get past page 50 because it's BORING BORING BORING) why are you still reading this?

1/2/14

Fantastic Chalkboard Creature series: Sabertooth Bird



Birds are a dime a dozen, but tropical birds with massive sabertooth tiger fangs designed to rip their prey's throat to shreds? Come on! This guy was perched on our kitchen blackboard right by the baby vitamins and iron drops, just above the rubber bands and colored chalk from which he was born. For days, he sat and observed as we made breakfast, prepared dinner, and washed dishes. His patience and tranquility was reassuring, but the fangs always left you wondering whether he wouldn't just jump out and cause havoc on a whim. Perched on a branch that stretched across the other side of a window unto an imaginary chalkboard realm, the bird would just sit there and observe. Then one day the window was gone with a few swipes of the arm and a wet paper cloth. But new visitors would be expected now. The gateway was open unto a new world of chalkboard creatures.

Those are testicles under his chin, by the way.