Hey, I got an email from the Interest Rate Lobby

For weeks the world has been baffled by Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his various government ministers' vague references to an "Interest Rate Lobby" (read JEWS) that has apparently masterminded and orchestrated the recent Gezi Park protests in Turkey so as to keep interest rates high in the country. I was skeptical at first, but when I received this email from a member of the aforementioned lobby, I knew that our government was (yet again) right all along, and that I was (yet again) a confused pawn in the hands of foreign conspirators plotting to destroy our country. Here is the written evidence we've all been waiting for that proves we were manipulated into protesting against our own government through the international interest rate lobby's sinister and manipulative plans to bring Turkey to its knees:

Dear Madam/Sir/Dupe/Pawn,

I hope this email finds you restive and mischievous, as well it should. As you know, you are a useless good-for-nothing alcoholic atheist traitor to your country, and have therefore been specially selected by us, the Interest Rate Lobby, to take to the streets for no apparent reason whatsoever in order create an air of instability, mayhem and chaos as you plunder, maraud and loot for the sake of undermining your government and low-interest-rate-pushing leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan... the ultimate aim being, of course, to keep interest rates high. If you're wondering who it is that "we" are, we are of course secret members of the Illuminati, Opus Dei, Rosicrucians, the Union of Grand Lodges of Free and Accepted Masons, Bankers, Financiers, Christians, Alevis, Israel, The Elders of Zion, The Vatican, Nazis, Lufthansa, NATO, the EU, the American Enterprise Institute, and of course Satan.

Now I know your puny little puppet brain is thinking "why would I want to take to the streets against a government that has done nothing more than capture the judiciary through constitutional tinkering; purge the armed forces of officers based on spurious charges of forming some kind of ultranationalist cabal; silence all independent media and free speech through intimidation, threats and bullying over the past ten years; instill religious propaganda throughout society; trample any law or institution it sees fit when it is in its interests; ransack and sell off state enterprises to the highest bidder; tear down historic buildings and neighborhoods so their business cronies can make a handsome profit building tacky malls and gaudy urban monstrosities; rip up parks to build an endless procession of shopping centers; install their sons, associates, friends and fellow religious sect members in key positions of the government; funnel money from charities to the government and their associates and drop charges against them in courts; hand key contracts to business conglomerates that openly side with the government; meddle in the internal affairs of neighboring states; openly arm Islamic fundamentalist terrorist cells in foreign countries; belittle art and artists; meddle in the everyday lives of its own citizens to the point of telling them how many kids they should have and how and where and when and if they can drink alcohol; overlook crimes, murders and torture committed by police and security forces passing them off as accidents, isolated incidents or committed in self-defense; murderously crack down on peaceful protesters, killing, wounding, maiming, blinding, suffocating, gassing, beating, humiliating with abandon; and just generally dividing the country between those who are for them and those who are against them?"

Who in their right minds would take offense to these kinds of people? Indeed, why would you let us brainwash and manipulate you into believing you have a bone to pick with such a regime?

Here's why: Erdogan and the AKP are a shining beacon of democracy and perfection, and this bothers us, which is why we are commanding you to be bothered by it too. He has to be brought down, you have to chant for him to be brought down. We are the true rulers of the earth, not him. Look how good the economy is, thanks to policies implemented by Kemal Derviş before the AKP even came to power, but whose work the AKP has nevertheless taken credit for and continued through an IMF-directed program of fiscal and monetary discipline. Look how they have used majoritarianism to bully the 53% of the population that didn't vote for them in the last general elections. Look how they allow no criticism, no open dialogue, no dissent, no questioning. Look at your huge current account deficit that is sustained by the same hot money and short-term portfolios on the part of speculative investors (hey that's us!) that the government will no doubt hypocritically blame for causing the protests we'll have called for in Turkey, even though that same flow of hot money attracted by the high interest rates maintained by none other than the Turkish Central Bank itself has played a key role in Turkey receiving an investment grade rating from Moody's and Fitch, which the government is very proud of. It's all so convenient! Use hot money when it's in your interest (pun intended), blame it for your troubles when it isn't. Naturally we need to stop all this, throw a wrench in the works, cut them to size, sabotage it all. How? By ordering you and millions like you to take to the streets against your will, like the puppets and dupes you are, and to protest Erdogan, even though he has obviously never done anything wrong, and has 47% of the vote, which means he can do whatever he wants anyway, so fuck you. Besides, with a double-digit inflation rate, the natural thing to do is to of course go against all principles of rational economics and keep interest rates low like the prime minister wants. That way, under-capitalized Anatolian businesses close to the government can continue to have access to cheap credit, even as the current account deficit and inflation rate spiral away as short-term investors lose appetite and an overabundance of cheap credit overheats the economy... But, whatever, our evil plans to keep interest rates high will continue, so when the government falters it can blame us, because let's face it, they don't have to explain anything with any clarity to their supporters who will support them regardless of the inconsistencies and downright absurdities of their position, as long as they're led to believe that the real culprits of the economy's imminent rough landing will have been outside powers like us, the Interest Rate Lobby, which definitely exists and is a real thing like the government says it is. That's why I'm writing this to you as a real outside conspirator and provocateur. I mean, if I didn't exist, you wouldn't have received this email, right? I rest my case.

And that's why we need you, you worthless impressionable idiot. We need you to get out there with no weapons, to just stand and sit in a park, hand the cops flowers, and remain on the streets and in the parks and squares in silent protest if you have to, like the TERRORIST that you are. "Wait", I hear you say, "terrorists don't demonstrate peacefully, they chop heads off people who don't agree with them". Oh really? That means groups like the Al-Nusra Front which the AKP is arming in Syria, and who have been documented cutting their opponents' heads off in recent video footage, would be considered terrorists, when CLEARLY they are peace-loving freedom fighters. You and your murderous ilk, however, with your flowers, and carnations, and books, and tents, and blankets, and gas masks, and guitars, and pianos, and songs, and condoms, are the true terrorists. You know it, we know it, the government knows it.

But that's where we come in. We come in to spread the lie that YOU are the good guys. HAHAHAHA. You! Our job is to make you murderous, terrorist, traitorous, good for nothing, alcoholic, atheist, Satanist scum buckets look like YOU'RE the good guys fighting against tyranny. Crazy, right? But we have a cunning plan. First of all, we will give the command to our global media puppets at the CNN, BBC, Reuters, etc. to take your side. They are on standby as we speak, awaiting our word. Secondly, we have given orders to the various Christian, Jewish and Alevi/Shiite governments we control to speak critically and denounce the peaceful democratic regime of Erdogan and the AKP. They too merely await our command. Thirdly, we have held a secret meeting with ten million private investors, financiers, capitalists, industrialists and bankers to unite our efforts in creating an environment of chaos in Turkey so that interest rates can go up, thereby ensuring that we can continue to take advantage of Turkey in our global interest rate arbitrage and carry trade schemes, borrowing money in low interest countries, investing it in bonds in developing countries with high-interest returns, making a sneaky unearned buck in the process through the evil, God-forbidden usurious institution that is interest. So why do we do it? Because we're freemasons, Jews and Satanists bent on the destruction of all things good. Duh! And that's why we're using you in our plans, because you too are evil, just like us, which means we have to join our efforts to fight the forces of Goodness, of Holiness, of God, which is of course manifest in the benevolent and gleaming purity of Recep Tayyip Erdogan and the AKP.

Now since you've been brainwashed by us, the Jewish, Satanist, Interest Rate Lobby and our evil media, you're probably thinking "how could millions of people around the world with wildly different interests suddenly coordinate and plan a mass outpouring of people against those peoples' will to the point where they can make them risk their own lives, jobs and security for the sake of our sneaky, evil plans for mischief, profit and mayhem?" Easy! Because, we can do everything! Here's how it works, although you have to promise to keep this a secret: We all meet once a month in a secret underground palace made of gold and diamonds under the Vatican, and everyone gets there through an intricate subterranean network of tunnels that spans the entire globe. There we serve refreshments -- alcoholic, of course! -- and eat pig sandwiches as we fiendishly rub our hands and salivate and snicker while we discuss the ways we will undermine various completely legitimate and totally democratic regimes like Erdogan's, Putin's, Assad's, or any Arab country's. Then we rush back through our underground network of tunnels in our specially built underground Rolls Royce's fueled by the blood of Sunni babies, as we give orders to media, business and government magnates in our respective countries to do what they need to do to undermine the shining, benevolent, peace-loving, democratic ruler of the month. Today it's Erdogan, a few months ago it was Assad, before that it was Kim Jong Il, before that we had Mugabe, Bashir, Putin, Chavez, Mubarak, Ahmadinejad, Karzai, Al Maliki, Qaddafi, Karimov, Turkmenbashi, Nazarbayev, Aliyev, Bush, Ben Ali, Saleh, and that guy in Belarus, what's his name... gee, it's hard to keep track sometimes! Those guys are smart, because they all know WE are the reason there is any opposition to them at all, but we do our job so well that nobody takes them seriously when they point their fingers at us and scream conspiracy.

So, in short, please begin your preparations to take to the streets on our command. You and other useless good-for-nothing traitorous alcoholic atheist pawns like you will be receiving commands soon on Twitter and Facebook; just follow the Twitter hashtag #worldconspiracyplans or join the Facebook group called Interest Rate Lobby Conspiracy To Stir Trouble in Turkey. Remember to Star/Retweet/Like!

Now the Turkish government will of course start using the protests we've provoked as an excuse to extend their Ergenekon-style government purge into the business world where pro-secular corporations that are not aligned with them will be hunted down, demonized, accused of conspiring with us murky foreign conspirators, and their holdings and assets will eventually be cannibalized by pro-government Islamist interests and conglomerates. But we don't care, because we'll just move on to the next country and, say, stir trouble in Brazil where we could, oh I don't know, try and fool youths into believing bus fares are a liiiiittle too high? Not that we know what "too high" is, it's not like any of us has ever ridden a bus, but whatever.

Raise the interest rates! Raise the interest rates! Raise the interest rates!

Yours conspiratorially,

Baron George Avi Soros von Rothschild XIII, Most Worshipful Grand Dragon of the Free and Accepted Masons, Minervan Owl Master of the Illuminati, Luminous Studious Zelator Major of the Rosicrucarians, Most Demonic Priest of the Church of Satan, Eldest Elder of the Zions, Most Magnatious Magnate of the United World Industries, Biggest Banker of the Banks, Fanciest Financer of Financial Finesse, Biggest Supreme Pizza of the Huts, Chief Grand Mac of the Donalds, King of the Burgers, Magnanimous Colonel Chicken of Kentuckies, King of the World, and President of Everything, including your FACE.


Freedom of CENSORED

If you have something to say, just run it by your local Turkish Republic First Criminal Court of Peace first, and if they’re cool with it, then say it!

Freedom of CENSORED is one of our fundamental human rights, along with the right to CENSORED, CENSORED and of course CENSORED. Guaranteeing and upholding these rights is today universally considered the duty of any civilized modern polity, let alone one that is seeking full membership of the prestigious political playpen that is the European Union. After all, if we were to deny one another the freedom to CENSORED, what would we have left? How would anything change for the better? How could we develop and debate new ideas with which to overcome our shortcomings and progress on to bigger and better things? We couldn’t, not without this fundamental freedom, this birthright, this natural faculty that enables each and every one of us to CENSORED as we please.

Thankfully we live in a country in which we can CENSORED what we like within strict parameters set by the constitution. If we so desired, we could start a blog on CENSORED or CENSORED, two of the biggest and most popular websites in the world for bloggers, as long as what we wrote complied fully with the limits set by our national Internet Security Law. On these sites we could CENSORED anything that the Telecommunications Directorate allowed us to. Furthermore, if we were so inclined, we could make a TV or radio program and broadcast whatever the Radio and Television Supreme Council deemed fit for air. If we wanted we could even publish our ideas in book format, as long as they don’t run counter to the national penal code. In short, the sky is the limit, as long as we don’t wander too far above the troposphere and keep away from the stratosphere altogether. It’s so liberating to be able to CENSORED like this!

We are of course not the only country with such all encompassing freedom of CENSORED. We are part of an elite league that includes such distinguished company as Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, China, Sudan, Zimbabwe and North Korea. Citizens of all of these countries also enjoy the freedom to CENSORED what they please, as long as they take into account the possibility of imprisonment, and the slight risk of decapitation. But other than that, in these countries too, some of the sky is the limit! And we too, just like them, can CENSORED whatever state-sanctioned thing we please as long as we don’t publicly denigrate Turkishness, the Republic, the Grand National Assembly of Turkey, the Government of the Republic of Turkey, the judicial institutions of the State, the military or security organizations, all of which are punishable by imprisonment of between six months and two years, as set out in Article 301 of the Turkish Penal Code. So what are you waiting for, CENSORED freely!

The right to CENSORED your mind and be able to form and express your very own opinions comes with its own rewards. You too could be heckled and spat at by flag-waving nationalists on your way into the palace of justice in Kadıköy just like Elif Şafak; or face imprisonment and exile like Yaşar Kemal, Yılmaz Güney or Nazım Hikmet; or even have to effectively flee your country in the face of death threats, like Orhan Pamuk. And that’s if you even get to keep your life at all! But that’s not it. If I may CENSORED frankly, there’s also the satisfaction of knowing that you are participating in the open and free exchange of ideas, all of which is guaranteed in a country that is ranked 103rd in the world press freedom rankings, making it the proud holder of a ‘Partially Free’ designation. That’s semi-good! Not as good as, for example, the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, which is ranked 51st, but half-way there.

But freedom of CENSORED isn’t the only domain in which our country excels in terms of providing a free, open and enlightened society for its flock of citizens in need of direction. Let’s not forget the freedom to ban alcohol in all municipal restaurants and social facilities with a further proposal to remove all alcohol-serving establishments to ‘Red Zones’ on the outskirts of urban areas; the freedom to teach creationism as a viable alternative to evolution in public schools; the freedom to impose compulsory religion classes on all students; the freedom to protect ‘family and national values’ by banning more than 1,100 websites and thousands of books, without any explanation given… All of these fundamental freedoms aren’t just left to theory but applied on a thorough, day-to-day basis. After all, actions CENSORED louder than words!

But let’s not CENSORED too soon because there are factors that threaten the totality of these fine state-imposed freedoms that protect our national moral virtue. For example, our freedom to impose restrictions on those who might unashamedly try to take an evil stance that runs counter to official state doctrine – a freedom granted by Article 301 – could be in danger of running counter to none other than Article 301 itself. After all, what could denigrate and humiliate Turkey more in the eyes of the civilized world than a law that states that denigrating Turkishness is against the law? That means that Article 301 is in danger of canceling itself out. And that in turn means anarchy, chaos, panic, and the end of our freedom to restrict freedoms that the almighty state is free to deem harmful to our freedom. That means something has to be done to guarantee that none of this gets out, which means we should cease to CENSORED of it altogether, and that of course means access to this sentence is banned by the Telecommunications Directorate according to the order of Ankara First Criminal Court of Peace, 05.05.2008 of 2008/402.

Hey, the system works!