4/1/13

Writing with a baby in the house


I always thought that when I had a baby the first thing that would suffer was my writing. I like to get up early in the mornings to write, and then I try and write some more late at night before bed. The rest of the time I’m writing stuff for work, but it’s the kind of writing you have to do before you can make money writing the stuff you love to write. I can’t make money writing the stuff I love to write, obviously. I mean, who can? Maybe Salman Rushdie or Stephen King or whichever African writer won the Nobel last. The rest of us have to write insincere pap that’s basically just ill-concealed advertising written for some company or other to help them promote themselves and their products so they can make more money while they pay us a pittance, if they pay us at all. Writing is fun!

So naturally, when I had a baby, I thought this whole writing routine would be the first thing in my life to suffer, but I found that it’s possible to have a perfectly balanced writing schedule even with… just a second, I have to change a diaper. Okay I’m back, there was a lot of poop in that one. He’s now eight months old and he‘s been eating broccoli so… anyway, I don’t want to bore you with the details of my baby’s poop. I was saying that even with a baby in the house, my writing has… what’s that honey? Yes I think we do have those wet wipes. Yes yes, the organic ones we got from the farmer’s market… No, they were called Rawganics or something… Oh, I thought they were the ones we used for his bum… We use those for wiping his face and hands? Well, what’s the difference? These are more expensive? Okay, but so are the others I get from Mjet… no I’m not arguing with you, I’m just saying the others are just as expensive… Yes I get that we should be more frugal but… okay okay, I’m sorry… Okay, I’m sorry, my mistake. What do you mean I got the wrong diapers again? I got the ones with the giraffe that say "activ" and... oh right, these are midi number threes. We needed fours? Goddamn it. No I don't have the receipt. What do you mean why, because I don't keep receipts. Because it's not 1982! Okay, sorry for shouting. Wait I have to write something.

Where was I? Writing… yes, I like to write stories and poems and sometimes… what? No I haven’t seen his grey and white socks, can’t you just use another pair? What? Why does it matter if they match his outfit, he’s a baby… okay okay, sorry, I’ll look for them. Oh no, did he just wake up? Sure yeah, I’ll get his bath ready, but first let me just write something… No no, it won’t take long… yes I know you’re doing all the work and I should help out more, I just have to write one article… no, I’m not getting paid for it, it’s just for my blog… what do you mean that’s not really writing? Who reads it? Uh… nobody, I guess, but… okay okay, I’m running the bath now, hold on. Can you get the sponge? I don't have the sponge, you had the... oh wait, okay, I have the sponge.

Aah good, the little guy’s gone to sleep now so I can continue writing. I started writing this article about eight hours ago, so I may have lost the thread of it. What’s that? He just vomited? Okay wait, I’m bringing the paper towels. Just wait! What? The what? Where is that? No I still don’t know where that is… Which drawer is that? I said WHICH DRAWER? Okay found it, wait I have to wash it first… I didn’t wash it the last time we used it, that’s why. I know I should’ve. Why didn’t you? Okay I’m sorry, I know you’re under a lot of pressure… but just… I’m sorry, okay. Here, here you go. This is the wrong one? Oh, you meant the blue and white striped one with the elephant? Why didn't you say so? No you don't have to explain everything down to every detail, just the important details. I am paying attention. You said something about his bib. Okay wait… How about I hold him and you mop up the pee off the dresser.

Okay you know what I’m going tpo havehg to finish thjis article ttomorrow GODDAMN IT WHERE’S HIS FLUFFY TIGER?!