2/28/13

Let me be your virtual tour guide on the first ever online world tour!


Hello everybody, welcome to my revolutionary new project: The World Internet Tour. I'll be your virtual online tour guide today as we explore some of the world's most fantastic monuments and buildings over the internet. Thanks for signing up and promptly depositing your payments via PayPal for this first ever web-based world tour where you get to see some of the world's most stunning sites with in-depth commentary provided by yours truly, all done with nothing more than an internet browser and Skype. So sit back, relax, and enjoy being a part of internet history... also just bear in mind I have a pretty slow internet connection, so you'll have to be a little patient.


First stop: the Taj Mahal in Pakistan or India! Not sure which country it's in, but I'm pretty sure it's in one of those two countries, or possibly Bangladesh. Let me just Google that... like I said, the internet's pretty slow right now... sometimes it's a little faster, especially at night... thank you for your patience... I'm supposed to be getting 8 mbps with the package I'm on, but I don't know... I should call TTNET and get it looked into... still waiting... aha, India it is! The Taj Mahal is in India. It is a white building, very white in fact, by the looks of it, probably made of marble, with four towers around it signifying East, West, North and South, or perhaps Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter... or maybe Diamonds, Clubs, Spades and Hearts? I guess the towers can be used as a metaphor for any group of four things. It's safe to say whoever built this probably considered four to be his lucky number. Let's see what Wikipedia says about why it was built... waiting for the page to load now... sorry about this, I know it's annoying... really terrible connection I have here... Okay, it was built as a tomb by Shah Jahan the Mughal Emperor to honor his... damn, I accidentally clicked a link on the side of the page while I was trying to scroll down and now it's loading another page... ugh, that's going to take forever... You know what? Let's leave the Taj Mahal for now and move on to the next magnificent venue...


Welcome to China, for the magnificent Great Wall of China, the longest wall in the world! Apparently it was built by... waiting for those search results... I googled "Great Wall" although maybe I should've googled "Great Wall of China"... I might be waiting in vain... I don't want to get a whole bunch of random search results for other really big walls, I just want the Chinese one... seriously, why is the internet so slow... oh there it is, finally... Okay it says here it was built by the Emperor Qin Shih Huang to keep out "various warlike peoples or forces". Hm... that seems a little childish, just building a big wall like that. I mean, can't the enemy just attack around it? Or climb it when nobody's looking? Plus if they're "warlike" it seems they'd also be pretty persistent. You probably wouldn't really get warlike people going "Oh shit, a wall? Bummer. Okay, let's go back I guess". They'd be like AAAAAAAAAAA DIE MOTHERFUCKERS WE'RE COMING ANYWAY YOU CAN'T STOP US CHAAAAARGE WAR WAR WAR! and they'd build some ladders or hot air balloons out of sheep stomachs or something


Moving right along, we're now in the exotic orient at the Haghia Sophia in Istanbul. Okay, this time the page loaded pretty quickly, I don't know why the internet is sometimes slow and sometimes fast, but right now it's pretty good so let me take this chance to also open the Wikipedia link for our next site which is the Pyramids... great, ok, so while I talk about the Haghia Sophia, the Pyramids will be ready and we can spare some time as we jump straight to that without waiting for the page to open... So, says here the Haghia Sophia was a church, then a mosque, then a museum? I think I speak for our whole online tour group when I say MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!


I'm pretty impatient to get to my favorite place ever: the Pyramids in Egypt! You can see in the above picture the Pyramid of the Sun there from the top of the Pyramid of the Moon, at least that's what the caption says on Wikipedia... I remember there being a third pyramid too in Egypt, but I guess that's not in this photo. That's funny, I always thought the Pyramids were in Giza, but it says here they're in a place called "Teotihuacan". Says here it means "Where the Gods were born" in...what language is that... Nahuatl? Hm, so that's the language the ancient Egyptians spoke. Who knew that? I guess we all just discovered something new today, thanks to my little guided tour. See, I told you it would be worth it. Wow, another amazing fact is that the pyramids are only an hour's drive from Mexico City! I never knew Mexico City was so geographically close to Cairo. I read somewhere that the Egyptians believed the pyramids were intergalactic soul transporters for the Pharaohs, who would get their brains extracted from their noses with a stick before being mummified and beamed up to the stars. I will assume the Egyptians also invented LSD.


Off to Central America now to scale the mountains in search of the amazing Machu Picchu in Peru! I found a really good photo on Google Images but it's taking forever to load. Seriously, I pay like 80 TL a month for this shit. That's a lot of money to pay for sitting here waiting for things to open and download and upload all day because I'm not getting the internet connection I'm paying for. My parents pay 40 TL or something with their Superonline package, and their internet connection is way better than this... I should read our contract. Ugh, where the hell is our internet contract anyway? Okay, there it is, finally, Machu Picchu. Beautiful, just look at that jpeg. Wikipedia says Machu Picchu was a lost city that was swallowed by jungle after being abandoned hundreds of years ago until it was discovered by chance by an explorer named Hiram Bingham in 1911. Tragic. Moral of the story? Don't build your city on top of a mountain!


Next up is the Colosseum in Rome and it's taking FOREVER for that page to open as well. I swear it's probably a browser thing, I should get off Explorer and switch to Chrome or Firefox. The good thing about Explorer is you can surf previously opened pages offline, that can be handy but... ugh, COME ON! Ok, you know what, I'm just going to wing it on the Colosseum, so here goes: dates back to something early A.D., Gladiators, Emperor Nero playing a fiddle, etc. I guess that covers it... spectators go thumbs up, the gladiator lives, thumbs down the gladiator dies... or vice versa. Oh great, now Skype crashed.

Hi everyone, back online now, sorry about that half hour delay. I turned the modem on and off and that seems to have helped. Also I had no idea my girlfriend was streaming videos of cute animals on youtube. I guess that's why the... hello? Anyone there? Why do I suddenly have a bunch of angry emails in my inbox? Let me just read those... Hm... ok, look, I mentioned to you that I do NOT give any refunds, you pay and you get the tour. Also I don't appreciate you calling me "idiot", "scam artist", "moron", or "waste of time". Some smart ass here says I "could've done a little research on the sites I show". Well that wouldn't be a problem if Wikipedia would open quicker, would it? It's already on Wikipedia, so why should I waste my time memorizing all that stuff as well? Is it my fault if the internet is slow? Another person here says I am "so retarded I don't even know the difference between the pyramids in Mexico and the pyramids in Egypt". Okay, you got me on that one. I did not know there were pyramids in Mexico. But that's the beauty of this interactive world tour: the virtual tour guide also learns new things right along with the virtual tourist! After all, knowledge is not static, it's dynamic and always changing and evolving, and my revolutionary new approach has just demonstrated that fact. We have interactively created new knowledge, instead of just recycling knowledge that already exists. Right? Tell me that doesn't sound mind-blowingly revolutionary? Honestly, one day The World Internet Tour is going to be BIG, it's going to be the next MySpace or Friendster, so you should all be excited that you can say you were the first ever The World Internet Tourists. You can proudly call yourselves TWITs for short. Alright alright, I should've thought of a better acronym for this, I didn't see that coming until I actually wrote it out. I'll work on that name.

Anyway, I just checked speedtest.net, and yes, my internet connection IS slow. It's at 1.2 mbps. That proves that it's not my fault this revolutionary new concept was less than perfect on its maiden world tour. But like all visionaries, I will not quit. We will continue to add new Wikipedia destinations on a daily basis. One day EVERYBODY will travel the world without leaving their couch.

Tell your friends!

2/11/13

Ho Ho Ho, come sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap


Ho ho ho, hello ladies! Valentine's Day is almost here so why don't you lovely women just sit yourselves on Valentine's Day Santa's lap over here and tell Santa what you'd like for Valentine's Day? Now now ladies, don't be alarmed, there certainly IS such a thing as a Valentine's Day Santa, ho ho ho! Sure, he's not as well known as Christmas Santa, but he has been bringing lubricious Valentine's Day cheer for generations!

That's right, don't you worry ladies, come and sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap... I know I know, you usually expect to see Santa at a mall or a department store, not at the Orifice Depot XXX Adult Warehouse sitting in a dark corner flanked by the double dildos selection on one hand and Brazilian Transsexual videos on the other, but where else would you find a Valentine's Day Santa than a place with all these wonderful adult toys and products that best capture the Valentine's Day spirit? Now now, don't worry, our shop attendant Wayne is right there, or at least he will be when he returns from cleaning the private video booths with the mop bucket... So don't you worry, just relax and enjoy the Valentine's Day season. Look! There's a steady flow of nervous gentlemen discreetly slinking in and out of the store too, obviously full of all that Valentine's Day cheer in their hearts and that special Valentine's Day stare in their eyes! Yes, especially the one over by the Japanese Gangbang section who seems to be frantically searching for something in his pocket as he looks at you with love-soaked Valentine's joy! He certainly has that warm Valentine's Day glow about him!

Now come close and take a seat here on Valentine's Day Santa's lap, ho ho ho! No no, I'm not calling you a Ho, that's simply the way Valentine's Day Santa laughs, Ho! Goodness me, someone seems frightened today. Stop shaking! Now there's just a few days till Valentine's Day, so why don't you start by telling Valentine's Day Santa if you've been naughty or nice, hm? Oh dear, I'm sorry, was I a little close to your face when I said that? No no no, that's not the smell of menthol cigarettes and malt liquor on my breath at 11:30 in the morning, that's the smell of Valentine's Day cheer... Now tell Santa if you've been naughty this year sugar, go on, just tell Santa if you've... OH I'm sorry, am I squeezing you too tight? Ok ok, my left hand is off your thigh now and my right is off your waist, see? Dear me, don't be so shy my dear, it's me, your lovable Valentine's Day Santa! Just calm down.

Ok ok, you don't have to sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap if you don't want to, that's cool, just chill out. Stop freaking out. How about your friend there? That's right, come on... no no, don't be shy... come on... I insist... gotcha! You can't escape from Valentine's Day Santa now! No no, no point in trying to break loose, Valentine's Day Santa has a firm grip! Stop trying to pry your friend out of my hands ladies, it's no use, Santa has her now... Ho ho ho... who's your friend calling? No no no, there's been a misunderstanding ladies, there is absolutely no need to call the police! Just put the phone away... Ok, we're all just a little tense, everybody just be cool... just chill ladies, relax... calm the fuck down...

Are we cool? Are we cool? Thank you, now that we've settled down, just take it easy all of you and tell me what toys you'd like from Santa for Valentine's Day, ok? I take it you're all here at Orifice Depot to find something a little kinky or sexy or fun to impress your husbands and partners with, am I right? Maybe you want some edible lingerie or fragrant lube or flavored condoms? Or perhaps you'd like to propose to your man with one of our fine selection of elegant cock rings? Valentine's Day Santa can get you anything, and he sees that you've been naughty and nice, am I right? No no, don't call the police again, I didn't mean that in a creepy way... ok ok, no touching, I'm not touching you... see? Hands above my head... Now let's just relax again and let Valentine's Day Santa guide you to the right place to make this Valentine's Day extra magical... Are you ladies into orgy? Anal? Double penetration? Golden showers? Fisting? Bisexual? Lesbian? Interracial? Hentai? Bukkake? Bondage? Fetish? Wait wait wait, where are you going? Let Valentine's Day Santa read you our Valentine's Day specials! I work on commissions! BUY SOMETHING PLEASE! Oh great, they left.

Hello sir, why don't you sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for IS THAT A KNIFE? Did you just flash a knife? Jesus, fuck. That was a fucking knife... man... this is not worth it. Ok get yourself together Santa... here we go... Hello sir, what about you, sir? What would you like for Valentine's Day? Sir? I saw you perusing our Classics section... Could I offer you Schindler's Fist, or maybe Forrest Hump? How about Pulp Friction? Sexorcist? Battlestar Orgasmica? Beverly Hills 9021-Ho? The Load Warrior? Missionary: Impossible? On Golden Blonde? Jurassic Pork? Hannah Does Her Sisters? Pokeahotass? Top Bum? Sperminator? Edward Penishands? Riding Miss Daisy? Or perhaps you're just looking for straight up gonzo porn, like maybe Semen Demons? MILF Squirters? Wet Latex Dreams? Or perhaps one of our Backdoor Sluts series, volumes one to thirty two? Maybe you'd like to ask Valentine's Day Santa for some fun love products instead, sir? Like perhaps Santa could get you the pigtail butt plug? The three-breasted blow-up doll? The hooded spandex full body binder sack? The chastity cock-lock? The hot seat inflatable cushion vibe? The anal speculum? The rubber fisting mitten? The electro sex glove set? The tongue vibrator? The I Rub My Duckie massager? The auto suck? The pleasure periscope? The dildo gas mask? The stuffoscope? The Prince's Wand? The Mr. Jack with mustache? Why don't you just sit on Valentine's Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for Valentine's Day? No? Ok, suit yourself...

In fact, you know what? That's it. I'm done being the Valentine's Day Santa. No no no Wayne, I'm serious, this was the worst fucking idea ever. Nobody is responding to this. Who would ever want to sit on Santa's lap at a porn store? I can't believe you talked me into it. If there's one thing I have, it's my dignity. I'm taking off this red rubber suit and this floppy red Santa hat with the white dick knob on the end... here, take it, find yourself a new Valentine's Day Santa.

Oh and another thing Wayne, you can forget about booking me for the Easter Bunny gig too. I will NEVER wear that Bugs Bunny penis hood and hand out a basket full of chocolate testicles and caramel vaginas again.

2/8/13

Well well well, if it ain't a work of art!


This is best read in an exaggerated Texan drawl.

Hey, looky what we have in this here art gallery, seems to me like we're in the presence of a work of art! Look at you with all yer aesthetic contours and subtle NUances that hint at postmodern alienation... ain't that just peachy! And what's this? Someone's got a fancy little label too, eh? What's that artist's name there, is that Dutch? Belgian? Is that middle name there somethin' African or Indian or somethin'? Your artist sounds pretty damn cosMOpolitan to me. Oooh, and it says here you are "untitled"! Well excuse me, Untitled. You don't mind if I call you that, do ya? After all, it is kinda your title, otherwise if you were actually untitled you would have no title, right? But your title suggests its own lack there, dunnit? Whoa, that is some prOfound stuff right there! It's like a paradox or somethin', right?

Nice dimensions and materials you've got listed there too... says here you were made in 2012. Nice and young piece of art you are, eh Untitled? Ya must be pretty proud and all with all these here stylish anDROgynous types checkin' you out like that, holdin' a glass of wine in one hand and a brochure in the other. Check out them fancy eyeglasses and scarves and hats and funky tights they be wearin' as they tilt their heavy education-filled heads to the side, shiftin' their weight on one leg while contemplatin' yer existential implications and what not with them pensive gazes. If I didn't know better, I'd say you was bein' deconstructed in some kinda Lacanian psychoanalytic framework with a tinge of post-structuralist Foucaultian discursive analysis thrown in fer good measure, am I right? Oh yeah, and maybe some gestalt stuff too... excuse me, I meant geSHtalt, pardon my French or my German or what have you.

Let's see what this BROchure here says aboutcha... Hoo-whee, says here your fancy art school graduate arteest over there from the fancy soundin' EurOpean contemporary art museem done thought you up as some kinda exPLOration of the boundaries of identity in a post-industrial mulTIcultural world. He's done given you some kinda conceptual symbolism, by the sounds of it. Says here you's meant to be some kinda contemporary creetique of our post-capitalist shift to some kinda techNOlogical dystopia. Who'da thought that from the looks of ya? I mean, no disrespect or nuthin', but ya kinda look like a few pieces of weirdly welded metal tubes with plaster legs and a bird-shaped rock on it, dontcha?

Anyhoo, don't mind me, I'm just gonna enjoy this here free wine and mingle with the crowd and all. Just thought I'd say hi... Ooo, wait a minute, what DO we have here? Another piece of art, by the looks of it...