6/27/13

Hey, I got an email from the Interest Rate Lobby


For weeks the world has been baffled by Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his various government ministers' vague references to an "Interest Rate Lobby" (read JEWS) that has apparently masterminded and orchestrated the recent Gezi Park protests in Turkey so as to keep interest rates high in the country. I was skeptical at first, but when I received this email from a member of the aforementioned lobby, I knew that our government was (yet again) right all along, and that I was (yet again) a confused pawn in the hands of foreign conspirators plotting to destroy our country. Here is the written evidence we've all been waiting for that proves we were manipulated into protesting against our own government through the international interest rate lobby's sinister and manipulative plans to bring Turkey to its knees:

Dear Madam/Sir/Dupe/Pawn,

I hope this email finds you restive and mischievous, as well it should. As you know, you are a useless good-for-nothing alcoholic atheist traitor to your country, and have therefore been specially selected by us, the Interest Rate Lobby, to take to the streets for no apparent reason whatsoever in order create an air of instability, mayhem and chaos as you plunder, maraud and loot for the sake of undermining your government and low-interest-rate-pushing leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan... the ultimate aim being, of course, to keep interest rates high. If you're wondering who it is that "we" are, we are of course secret members of the Illuminati, Opus Dei, Rosicrucians, the Union of Grand Lodges of Free and Accepted Masons, Bankers, Financiers, Christians, Alevis, Israel, The Elders of Zion, The Vatican, Nazis, Lufthansa, NATO, the EU, the American Enterprise Institute, and of course Satan.

Now I know your puny little puppet brain is thinking "why would I want to take to the streets against a government that has done nothing more than capture the judiciary through constitutional tinkering; purge the armed forces of officers based on spurious charges of forming some kind of ultranationalist cabal; silence all independent media and free speech through intimidation, threats and bullying over the past ten years; instill religious propaganda throughout society; trample any law or institution it sees fit when it is in its interests; ransack and sell off state enterprises to the highest bidder; tear down historic buildings and neighborhoods so their business cronies can make a handsome profit building tacky malls and gaudy urban monstrosities; rip up parks to build an endless procession of shopping centers; install their sons, associates, friends and fellow religious sect members in key positions of the government; funnel money from charities to the government and their associates and drop charges against them in courts; hand key contracts to business conglomerates that openly side with the government; meddle in the internal affairs of neighboring states; openly arm Islamic fundamentalist terrorist cells in foreign countries; belittle art and artists; meddle in the everyday lives of its own citizens to the point of telling them how many kids they should have and how and where and when and if they can drink alcohol; overlook crimes, murders and torture committed by police and security forces passing them off as accidents, isolated incidents or committed in self-defense; murderously crack down on peaceful protesters, killing, wounding, maiming, blinding, suffocating, gassing, beating, humiliating with abandon; and just generally dividing the country between those who are for them and those who are against them?"

Who in their right minds would take offense to these kinds of people? Indeed, why would you let us brainwash and manipulate you into believing you have a bone to pick with such a regime?

Here's why: Erdogan and the AKP are a shining beacon of democracy and perfection, and this bothers us, which is why we are commanding you to be bothered by it too. He has to be brought down, you have to chant for him to be brought down. We are the true rulers of the earth, not him. Look how good the economy is, thanks to policies implemented by Kemal Derviş before the AKP even came to power, but whose work the AKP has nevertheless taken credit for and continued through an IMF-directed program of fiscal and monetary discipline. Look how they have used majoritarianism to bully the 53% of the population that didn't vote for them in the last general elections. Look how they allow no criticism, no open dialogue, no dissent, no questioning. Look at your huge current account deficit that is sustained by the same hot money and short-term portfolios on the part of speculative investors (hey that's us!) that the government will no doubt hypocritically blame for causing the protests we'll have called for in Turkey, even though that same flow of hot money attracted by the high interest rates maintained by none other than the Turkish Central Bank itself has played a key role in Turkey receiving an investment grade rating from Moody's and Fitch, which the government is very proud of. It's all so convenient! Use hot money when it's in your interest (pun intended), blame it for your troubles when it isn't. Naturally we need to stop all this, throw a wrench in the works, cut them to size, sabotage it all. How? By ordering you and millions like you to take to the streets against your will, like the puppets and dupes you are, and to protest Erdogan, even though he has obviously never done anything wrong, and has 47% of the vote, which means he can do whatever he wants anyway, so fuck you. Besides, with a double-digit inflation rate, the natural thing to do is to of course go against all principles of rational economics and keep interest rates low like the prime minister wants. That way, under-capitalized Anatolian businesses close to the government can continue to have access to cheap credit, even as the current account deficit and inflation rate spiral away as short-term investors lose appetite and an overabundance of cheap credit overheats the economy... But, whatever, our evil plans to keep interest rates high will continue, so when the government falters it can blame us, because let's face it, they don't have to explain anything with any clarity to their supporters who will support them regardless of the inconsistencies and downright absurdities of their position, as long as they're led to believe that the real culprits of the economy's imminent rough landing will have been outside powers like us, the Interest Rate Lobby, which definitely exists and is a real thing like the government says it is. That's why I'm writing this to you as a real outside conspirator and provocateur. I mean, if I didn't exist, you wouldn't have received this email, right? I rest my case.

And that's why we need you, you worthless impressionable idiot. We need you to get out there with no weapons, to just stand and sit in a park, hand the cops flowers, and remain on the streets and in the parks and squares in silent protest if you have to, like the TERRORIST that you are. "Wait", I hear you say, "terrorists don't demonstrate peacefully, they chop heads off people who don't agree with them". Oh really? That means groups like the Al-Nusra Front which the AKP is arming in Syria, and who have been documented cutting their opponents' heads off in recent video footage, would be considered terrorists, when CLEARLY they are peace-loving freedom fighters. You and your murderous ilk, however, with your flowers, and carnations, and books, and tents, and blankets, and gas masks, and guitars, and pianos, and songs, and condoms, are the true terrorists. You know it, we know it, the government knows it.

But that's where we come in. We come in to spread the lie that YOU are the good guys. HAHAHAHA. You! Our job is to make you murderous, terrorist, traitorous, good for nothing, alcoholic, atheist, Satanist scum buckets look like YOU'RE the good guys fighting against tyranny. Crazy, right? But we have a cunning plan. First of all, we will give the command to our global media puppets at the CNN, BBC, Reuters, etc. to take your side. They are on standby as we speak, awaiting our word. Secondly, we have given orders to the various Christian, Jewish and Alevi/Shiite governments we control to speak critically and denounce the peaceful democratic regime of Erdogan and the AKP. They too merely await our command. Thirdly, we have held a secret meeting with ten million private investors, financiers, capitalists, industrialists and bankers to unite our efforts in creating an environment of chaos in Turkey so that interest rates can go up, thereby ensuring that we can continue to take advantage of Turkey in our global interest rate arbitrage and carry trade schemes, borrowing money in low interest countries, investing it in bonds in developing countries with high-interest returns, making a sneaky unearned buck in the process through the evil, God-forbidden usurious institution that is interest. So why do we do it? Because we're freemasons, Jews and Satanists bent on the destruction of all things good. Duh! And that's why we're using you in our plans, because you too are evil, just like us, which means we have to join our efforts to fight the forces of Goodness, of Holiness, of God, which is of course manifest in the benevolent and gleaming purity of Recep Tayyip Erdogan and the AKP.

Now since you've been brainwashed by us, the Jewish, Satanist, Interest Rate Lobby and our evil media, you're probably thinking "how could millions of people around the world with wildly different interests suddenly coordinate and plan a mass outpouring of people against those peoples' will to the point where they can make them risk their own lives, jobs and security for the sake of our sneaky, evil plans for mischief, profit and mayhem?" Easy! Because, we can do everything! Here's how it works, although you have to promise to keep this a secret: We all meet once a month in a secret underground palace made of gold and diamonds under the Vatican, and everyone gets there through an intricate subterranean network of tunnels that spans the entire globe. There we serve refreshments -- alcoholic, of course! -- and eat pig sandwiches as we fiendishly rub our hands and salivate and snicker while we discuss the ways we will undermine various completely legitimate and totally democratic regimes like Erdogan's, Putin's, Assad's, or any Arab country's. Then we rush back through our underground network of tunnels in our specially built underground Rolls Royce's fueled by the blood of Sunni babies, as we give orders to media, business and government magnates in our respective countries to do what they need to do to undermine the shining, benevolent, peace-loving, democratic ruler of the month. Today it's Erdogan, a few months ago it was Assad, before that it was Kim Jong Il, before that we had Mugabe, Bashir, Putin, Chavez, Mubarak, Ahmadinejad, Karzai, Al Maliki, Qaddafi, Karimov, Turkmenbashi, Nazarbayev, Aliyev, Bush, Ben Ali, Saleh, and that guy in Belarus, what's his name... gee, it's hard to keep track sometimes! Those guys are smart, because they all know WE are the reason there is any opposition to them at all, but we do our job so well that nobody takes them seriously when they point their fingers at us and scream conspiracy.

So, in short, please begin your preparations to take to the streets on our command. You and other useless good-for-nothing traitorous alcoholic atheist pawns like you will be receiving commands soon on Twitter and Facebook; just follow the Twitter hashtag #worldconspiracyplans or join the Facebook group called Interest Rate Lobby Conspiracy To Stir Trouble in Turkey. Remember to Star/Retweet/Like!

Now the Turkish government will of course start using the protests we've provoked as an excuse to extend their Ergenekon-style government purge into the business world where pro-secular corporations that are not aligned with them will be hunted down, demonized, accused of conspiring with us murky foreign conspirators, and their holdings and assets will eventually be cannibalized by pro-government Islamist interests and conglomerates. But we don't care, because we'll just move on to the next country and, say, stir trouble in Brazil where we could, oh I don't know, try and fool youths into believing bus fares are a liiiiittle too high? Not that we know what "too high" is, it's not like any of us has ever ridden a bus, but whatever.

Raise the interest rates! Raise the interest rates! Raise the interest rates!

Yours conspiratorially,

Baron George Avi Soros von Rothschild XIII, Most Worshipful Grand Dragon of the Free and Accepted Masons, Minervan Owl Master of the Illuminati, Luminous Studious Zelator Major of the Rosicrucarians, Most Demonic Priest of the Church of Satan, Eldest Elder of the Zions, Most Magnatious Magnate of the United World Industries, Biggest Banker of the Banks, Fanciest Financer of Financial Finesse, Biggest Supreme Pizza of the Huts, Chief Grand Mac of the Donalds, King of the Burgers, Magnanimous Colonel Chicken of Kentuckies, King of the World, and President of Everything, including your FACE.

6/1/13

Freedom of CENSORED



If you have something to say, just run it by your local Turkish Republic First Criminal Court of Peace first, and if they’re cool with it, then say it!

Freedom of CENSORED is one of our fundamental human rights, along with the right to CENSORED, CENSORED and of course CENSORED. Guaranteeing and upholding these rights is today universally considered the duty of any civilized modern polity, let alone one that is seeking full membership of the prestigious political playpen that is the European Union. After all, if we were to deny one another the freedom to CENSORED, what would we have left? How would anything change for the better? How could we develop and debate new ideas with which to overcome our shortcomings and progress on to bigger and better things? We couldn’t, not without this fundamental freedom, this birthright, this natural faculty that enables each and every one of us to CENSORED as we please.

Thankfully we live in a country in which we can CENSORED what we like within strict parameters set by the constitution. If we so desired, we could start a blog on CENSORED or CENSORED, two of the biggest and most popular websites in the world for bloggers, as long as what we wrote complied fully with the limits set by our national Internet Security Law. On these sites we could CENSORED anything that the Telecommunications Directorate allowed us to. Furthermore, if we were so inclined, we could make a TV or radio program and broadcast whatever the Radio and Television Supreme Council deemed fit for air. If we wanted we could even publish our ideas in book format, as long as they don’t run counter to the national penal code. In short, the sky is the limit, as long as we don’t wander too far above the troposphere and keep away from the stratosphere altogether. It’s so liberating to be able to CENSORED like this!

We are of course not the only country with such all encompassing freedom of CENSORED. We are part of an elite league that includes such distinguished company as Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, China, Sudan, Zimbabwe and North Korea. Citizens of all of these countries also enjoy the freedom to CENSORED what they please, as long as they take into account the possibility of imprisonment, and the slight risk of decapitation. But other than that, in these countries too, some of the sky is the limit! And we too, just like them, can CENSORED whatever state-sanctioned thing we please as long as we don’t publicly denigrate Turkishness, the Republic, the Grand National Assembly of Turkey, the Government of the Republic of Turkey, the judicial institutions of the State, the military or security organizations, all of which are punishable by imprisonment of between six months and two years, as set out in Article 301 of the Turkish Penal Code. So what are you waiting for, CENSORED freely!

The right to CENSORED your mind and be able to form and express your very own opinions comes with its own rewards. You too could be heckled and spat at by flag-waving nationalists on your way into the palace of justice in Kadıköy just like Elif Şafak; or face imprisonment and exile like Yaşar Kemal, Yılmaz Güney or Nazım Hikmet; or even have to effectively flee your country in the face of death threats, like Orhan Pamuk. And that’s if you even get to keep your life at all! But that’s not it. If I may CENSORED frankly, there’s also the satisfaction of knowing that you are participating in the open and free exchange of ideas, all of which is guaranteed in a country that is ranked 103rd in the world press freedom rankings, making it the proud holder of a ‘Partially Free’ designation. That’s semi-good! Not as good as, for example, the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, which is ranked 51st, but half-way there.

But freedom of CENSORED isn’t the only domain in which our country excels in terms of providing a free, open and enlightened society for its flock of citizens in need of direction. Let’s not forget the freedom to ban alcohol in all municipal restaurants and social facilities with a further proposal to remove all alcohol-serving establishments to ‘Red Zones’ on the outskirts of urban areas; the freedom to teach creationism as a viable alternative to evolution in public schools; the freedom to impose compulsory religion classes on all students; the freedom to protect ‘family and national values’ by banning more than 1,100 websites and thousands of books, without any explanation given… All of these fundamental freedoms aren’t just left to theory but applied on a thorough, day-to-day basis. After all, actions CENSORED louder than words!

But let’s not CENSORED too soon because there are factors that threaten the totality of these fine state-imposed freedoms that protect our national moral virtue. For example, our freedom to impose restrictions on those who might unashamedly try to take an evil stance that runs counter to official state doctrine – a freedom granted by Article 301 – could be in danger of running counter to none other than Article 301 itself. After all, what could denigrate and humiliate Turkey more in the eyes of the civilized world than a law that states that denigrating Turkishness is against the law? That means that Article 301 is in danger of canceling itself out. And that in turn means anarchy, chaos, panic, and the end of our freedom to restrict freedoms that the almighty state is free to deem harmful to our freedom. That means something has to be done to guarantee that none of this gets out, which means we should cease to CENSORED of it altogether, and that of course means access to this sentence is banned by the Telecommunications Directorate according to the order of Ankara First Criminal Court of Peace, 05.05.2008 of 2008/402.

Hey, the system works!

4/1/13

Writing with a baby in the house


I always thought that when I had a baby the first thing that would suffer was my writing. I like to get up early in the mornings to write, and then I try and write some more late at night before bed. The rest of the time I’m writing stuff for work, but it’s the kind of writing you have to do before you can make money writing the stuff you love to write. I can’t make money writing the stuff I love to write, obviously. I mean, who can? Maybe Salman Rushdie or Stephen King or whichever African writer won the Nobel last. The rest of us have to write insincere pap that’s basically just ill-concealed advertising written for some company or other to help them promote themselves and their products so they can make more money while they pay us a pittance, if they pay us at all. Writing is fun!

So naturally, when I had a baby, I thought this whole writing routine would be the first thing in my life to suffer, but I found that it’s possible to have a perfectly balanced writing schedule even with… just a second, I have to change a diaper. Okay I’m back, there was a lot of poop in that one. He’s now eight months old and he‘s been eating broccoli so… anyway, I don’t want to bore you with the details of my baby’s poop. I was saying that even with a baby in the house, my writing has… what’s that honey? Yes I think we do have those wet wipes. Yes yes, the organic ones we got from the farmer’s market… No, they were called Rawganics or something… Oh, I thought they were the ones we used for his bum… We use those for wiping his face and hands? Well, what’s the difference? These are more expensive? Okay, but so are the others I get from Mjet… no I’m not arguing with you, I’m just saying the others are just as expensive… Yes I get that we should be more frugal but… okay okay, I’m sorry… Okay, I’m sorry, my mistake. What do you mean I got the wrong diapers again? I got the ones with the giraffe that say "activ" and... oh right, these are midi number threes. We needed fours? Goddamn it. No I don't have the receipt. What do you mean why, because I don't keep receipts. Because it's not 1982! Okay, sorry for shouting. Wait I have to write something.

Where was I? Writing… yes, I like to write stories and poems and sometimes… what? No I haven’t seen his grey and white socks, can’t you just use another pair? What? Why does it matter if they match his outfit, he’s a baby… okay okay, sorry, I’ll look for them. Oh no, did he just wake up? Sure yeah, I’ll get his bath ready, but first let me just write something… No no, it won’t take long… yes I know you’re doing all the work and I should help out more, I just have to write one article… no, I’m not getting paid for it, it’s just for my blog… what do you mean that’s not really writing? Who reads it? Uh… nobody, I guess, but… okay okay, I’m running the bath now, hold on. Can you get the sponge? I don't have the sponge, you had the... oh wait, okay, I have the sponge.

Aah good, the little guy’s gone to sleep now so I can continue writing. I started writing this article about eight hours ago, so I may have lost the thread of it. What’s that? He just vomited? Okay wait, I’m bringing the paper towels. Just wait! What? The what? Where is that? No I still don’t know where that is… Which drawer is that? I said WHICH DRAWER? Okay found it, wait I have to wash it first… I didn’t wash it the last time we used it, that’s why. I know I should’ve. Why didn’t you? Okay I’m sorry, I know you’re under a lot of pressure… but just… I’m sorry, okay. Here, here you go. This is the wrong one? Oh, you meant the blue and white striped one with the elephant? Why didn't you say so? No you don't have to explain everything down to every detail, just the important details. I am paying attention. You said something about his bib. Okay wait… How about I hold him and you mop up the pee off the dresser.

Okay you know what I’m going tpo havehg to finish thjis article ttomorrow GODDAMN IT WHERE’S HIS FLUFFY TIGER?!

2/28/13

Let me be your virtual tour guide on the first ever online world tour!


Hello everybody, welcome to my revolutionary new project: The World Internet Tour. I'll be your virtual online tour guide today as we explore some of the world's most fantastic monuments and buildings over the internet. Thanks for signing up and promptly depositing your payments via PayPal for this first ever web-based world tour where you get to see some of the world's most stunning sites with in-depth commentary provided by yours truly, all done with nothing more than an internet browser and Skype. So sit back, relax, and enjoy being a part of internet history... also just bear in mind I have a pretty slow internet connection, so you'll have to be a little patient.


First stop: the Taj Mahal in Pakistan or India! Not sure which country it's in, but I'm pretty sure it's in one of those two countries, or possibly Bangladesh. Let me just Google that... like I said, the internet's pretty slow right now... sometimes it's a little faster, especially at night... thank you for your patience... I'm supposed to be getting 8 mbps with the package I'm on, but I don't know... I should call TTNET and get it looked into... still waiting... aha, India it is! The Taj Mahal is in India. It is a white building, very white in fact, by the looks of it, probably made of marble, with four towers around it signifying East, West, North and South, or perhaps Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter... or maybe Diamonds, Clubs, Spades and Hearts? I guess the towers can be used as a metaphor for any group of four things. It's safe to say whoever built this probably considered four to be his lucky number. Let's see what Wikipedia says about why it was built... waiting for the page to load now... sorry about this, I know it's annoying... really terrible connection I have here... Okay, it was built as a tomb by Shah Jahan the Mughal Emperor to honor his... damn, I accidentally clicked a link on the side of the page while I was trying to scroll down and now it's loading another page... ugh, that's going to take forever... You know what? Let's leave the Taj Mahal for now and move on to the next magnificent venue...


Welcome to China, for the magnificent Great Wall of China, the longest wall in the world! Apparently it was built by... waiting for those search results... I googled "Great Wall" although maybe I should've googled "Great Wall of China"... I might be waiting in vain... I don't want to get a whole bunch of random search results for other really big walls, I just want the Chinese one... seriously, why is the internet so slow... oh there it is, finally... Okay it says here it was built by the Emperor Qin Shih Huang to keep out "various warlike peoples or forces". Hm... that seems a little childish, just building a big wall like that. I mean, can't the enemy just attack around it? Or climb it when nobody's looking? Plus if they're "warlike" it seems they'd also be pretty persistent. You probably wouldn't really get warlike people going "Oh shit, a wall? Bummer. Okay, let's go back I guess". They'd be like AAAAAAAAAAA DIE MOTHERFUCKERS WE'RE COMING ANYWAY YOU CAN'T STOP US CHAAAAARGE WAR WAR WAR! and they'd build some ladders or hot air balloons out of sheep stomachs or something


Moving right along, we're now in the exotic orient at the Haghia Sophia in Istanbul. Okay, this time the page loaded pretty quickly, I don't know why the internet is sometimes slow and sometimes fast, but right now it's pretty good so let me take this chance to also open the Wikipedia link for our next site which is the Pyramids... great, ok, so while I talk about the Haghia Sophia, the Pyramids will be ready and we can spare some time as we jump straight to that without waiting for the page to open... So, says here the Haghia Sophia was a church, then a mosque, then a museum? I think I speak for our whole online tour group when I say MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!


I'm pretty impatient to get to my favorite place ever: the Pyramids in Egypt! You can see in the above picture the Pyramid of the Sun there from the top of the Pyramid of the Moon, at least that's what the caption says on Wikipedia... I remember there being a third pyramid too in Egypt, but I guess that's not in this photo. That's funny, I always thought the Pyramids were in Giza, but it says here they're in a place called "Teotihuacan". Says here it means "Where the Gods were born" in...what language is that... Nahuatl? Hm, so that's the language the ancient Egyptians spoke. Who knew that? I guess we all just discovered something new today, thanks to my little guided tour. See, I told you it would be worth it. Wow, another amazing fact is that the pyramids are only an hour's drive from Mexico City! I never knew Mexico City was so geographically close to Cairo. I read somewhere that the Egyptians believed the pyramids were intergalactic soul transporters for the Pharaohs, who would get their brains extracted from their noses with a stick before being mummified and beamed up to the stars. I will assume the Egyptians also invented LSD.


Off to Central America now to scale the mountains in search of the amazing Machu Picchu in Peru! I found a really good photo on Google Images but it's taking forever to load. Seriously, I pay like 80 TL a month for this shit. That's a lot of money to pay for sitting here waiting for things to open and download and upload all day because I'm not getting the internet connection I'm paying for. My parents pay 40 TL or something with their Superonline package, and their internet connection is way better than this... I should read our contract. Ugh, where the hell is our internet contract anyway? Okay, there it is, finally, Machu Picchu. Beautiful, just look at that jpeg. Wikipedia says Machu Picchu was a lost city that was swallowed by jungle after being abandoned hundreds of years ago until it was discovered by chance by an explorer named Hiram Bingham in 1911. Tragic. Moral of the story? Don't build your city on top of a mountain!


Next up is the Colosseum in Rome and it's taking FOREVER for that page to open as well. I swear it's probably a browser thing, I should get off Explorer and switch to Chrome or Firefox. The good thing about Explorer is you can surf previously opened pages offline, that can be handy but... ugh, COME ON! Ok, you know what, I'm just going to wing it on the Colosseum, so here goes: dates back to something early A.D., Gladiators, Emperor Nero playing a fiddle, etc. I guess that covers it... spectators go thumbs up, the gladiator lives, thumbs down the gladiator dies... or vice versa. Oh great, now Skype crashed.

Hi everyone, back online now, sorry about that half hour delay. I turned the modem on and off and that seems to have helped. Also I had no idea my girlfriend was streaming videos of cute animals on youtube. I guess that's why the... hello? Anyone there? Why do I suddenly have a bunch of angry emails in my inbox? Let me just read those... Hm... ok, look, I mentioned to you that I do NOT give any refunds, you pay and you get the tour. Also I don't appreciate you calling me "idiot", "scam artist", "moron", or "waste of time". Some smart ass here says I "could've done a little research on the sites I show". Well that wouldn't be a problem if Wikipedia would open quicker, would it? It's already on Wikipedia, so why should I waste my time memorizing all that stuff as well? Is it my fault if the internet is slow? Another person here says I am "so retarded I don't even know the difference between the pyramids in Mexico and the pyramids in Egypt". Okay, you got me on that one. I did not know there were pyramids in Mexico. But that's the beauty of this interactive world tour: the virtual tour guide also learns new things right along with the virtual tourist! After all, knowledge is not static, it's dynamic and always changing and evolving, and my revolutionary new approach has just demonstrated that fact. We have interactively created new knowledge, instead of just recycling knowledge that already exists. Right? Tell me that doesn't sound mind-blowingly revolutionary? Honestly, one day The World Internet Tour is going to be BIG, it's going to be the next MySpace or Friendster, so you should all be excited that you can say you were the first ever The World Internet Tourists. You can proudly call yourselves TWITs for short. Alright alright, I should've thought of a better acronym for this, I didn't see that coming until I actually wrote it out. I'll work on that name.

Anyway, I just checked speedtest.net, and yes, my internet connection IS slow. It's at 1.2 mbps. That proves that it's not my fault this revolutionary new concept was less than perfect on its maiden world tour. But like all visionaries, I will not quit. We will continue to add new Wikipedia destinations on a daily basis. One day EVERYBODY will travel the world without leaving their couch.

Tell your friends!

2/11/13

Ho Ho Ho, come sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap


Ho ho ho, hello ladies! Valentine's Day is almost here so why don't you lovely women just sit yourselves on Valentine's Day Santa's lap over here and tell Santa what you'd like for Valentine's Day? Now now ladies, don't be alarmed, there certainly IS such a thing as a Valentine's Day Santa, ho ho ho! Sure, he's not as well known as Christmas Santa, but he has been bringing lubricious Valentine's Day cheer for generations!

That's right, don't you worry ladies, come and sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap... I know I know, you usually expect to see Santa at a mall or a department store, not at the Orifice Depot XXX Adult Warehouse sitting in a dark corner flanked by the double dildos selection on one hand and Brazilian Transsexual videos on the other, but where else would you find a Valentine's Day Santa than a place with all these wonderful adult toys and products that best capture the Valentine's Day spirit? Now now, don't worry, our shop attendant Wayne is right there, or at least he will be when he returns from cleaning the private video booths with the mop bucket... So don't you worry, just relax and enjoy the Valentine's Day season. Look! There's a steady flow of nervous gentlemen discreetly slinking in and out of the store too, obviously full of all that Valentine's Day cheer in their hearts and that special Valentine's Day stare in their eyes! Yes, especially the one over by the Japanese Gangbang section who seems to be frantically searching for something in his pocket as he looks at you with love-soaked Valentine's joy! He certainly has that warm Valentine's Day glow about him!

Now come close and take a seat here on Valentine's Day Santa's lap, ho ho ho! No no, I'm not calling you a Ho, that's simply the way Valentine's Day Santa laughs, Ho! Goodness me, someone seems frightened today. Stop shaking! Now there's just a few days till Valentine's Day, so why don't you start by telling Valentine's Day Santa if you've been naughty or nice, hm? Oh dear, I'm sorry, was I a little close to your face when I said that? No no no, that's not the smell of menthol cigarettes and malt liquor on my breath at 11:30 in the morning, that's the smell of Valentine's Day cheer... Now tell Santa if you've been naughty this year sugar, go on, just tell Santa if you've... OH I'm sorry, am I squeezing you too tight? Ok ok, my left hand is off your thigh now and my right is off your waist, see? Dear me, don't be so shy my dear, it's me, your lovable Valentine's Day Santa! Just calm down.

Ok ok, you don't have to sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap if you don't want to, that's cool, just chill out. Stop freaking out. How about your friend there? That's right, come on... no no, don't be shy... come on... I insist... gotcha! You can't escape from Valentine's Day Santa now! No no, no point in trying to break loose, Valentine's Day Santa has a firm grip! Stop trying to pry your friend out of my hands ladies, it's no use, Santa has her now... Ho ho ho... who's your friend calling? No no no, there's been a misunderstanding ladies, there is absolutely no need to call the police! Just put the phone away... Ok, we're all just a little tense, everybody just be cool... just chill ladies, relax... calm the fuck down...

Are we cool? Are we cool? Thank you, now that we've settled down, just take it easy all of you and tell me what toys you'd like from Santa for Valentine's Day, ok? I take it you're all here at Orifice Depot to find something a little kinky or sexy or fun to impress your husbands and partners with, am I right? Maybe you want some edible lingerie or fragrant lube or flavored condoms? Or perhaps you'd like to propose to your man with one of our fine selection of elegant cock rings? Valentine's Day Santa can get you anything, and he sees that you've been naughty and nice, am I right? No no, don't call the police again, I didn't mean that in a creepy way... ok ok, no touching, I'm not touching you... see? Hands above my head... Now let's just relax again and let Valentine's Day Santa guide you to the right place to make this Valentine's Day extra magical... Are you ladies into orgy? Anal? Double penetration? Golden showers? Fisting? Bisexual? Lesbian? Interracial? Hentai? Bukkake? Bondage? Fetish? Wait wait wait, where are you going? Let Valentine's Day Santa read you our Valentine's Day specials! I work on commissions! BUY SOMETHING PLEASE! Oh great, they left.

Hello sir, why don't you sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for IS THAT A KNIFE? Did you just flash a knife? Jesus, fuck. That was a fucking knife... man... this is not worth it. Ok get yourself together Santa... here we go... Hello sir, what about you, sir? What would you like for Valentine's Day? Sir? I saw you perusing our Classics section... Could I offer you Schindler's Fist, or maybe Forrest Hump? How about Pulp Friction? Sexorcist? Battlestar Orgasmica? Beverly Hills 9021-Ho? The Load Warrior? Missionary: Impossible? On Golden Blonde? Jurassic Pork? Hannah Does Her Sisters? Pokeahotass? Top Bum? Sperminator? Edward Penishands? Riding Miss Daisy? Or perhaps you're just looking for straight up gonzo porn, like maybe Semen Demons? MILF Squirters? Wet Latex Dreams? Or perhaps one of our Backdoor Sluts series, volumes one to thirty two? Maybe you'd like to ask Valentine's Day Santa for some fun love products instead, sir? Like perhaps Santa could get you the pigtail butt plug? The three-breasted blow-up doll? The hooded spandex full body binder sack? The chastity cock-lock? The hot seat inflatable cushion vibe? The anal speculum? The rubber fisting mitten? The electro sex glove set? The tongue vibrator? The I Rub My Duckie massager? The auto suck? The pleasure periscope? The dildo gas mask? The stuffoscope? The Prince's Wand? The Mr. Jack with mustache? Why don't you just sit on Valentine's Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for Valentine's Day? No? Ok, suit yourself...

In fact, you know what? That's it. I'm done being the Valentine's Day Santa. No no no Wayne, I'm serious, this was the worst fucking idea ever. Nobody is responding to this. Who would ever want to sit on Santa's lap at a porn store? I can't believe you talked me into it. If there's one thing I have, it's my dignity. I'm taking off this red rubber suit and this floppy red Santa hat with the white dick knob on the end... here, take it, find yourself a new Valentine's Day Santa.

Oh and another thing Wayne, you can forget about booking me for the Easter Bunny gig too. I will NEVER wear that Bugs Bunny penis hood and hand out a basket full of chocolate testicles and caramel vaginas again.

2/8/13

Well well well, if it ain't a work of art!


This is best read in an exaggerated Texan drawl.

Hey, looky what we have in this here art gallery, seems to me like we're in the presence of a work of art! Look at you with all yer aesthetic contours and subtle NUances that hint at postmodern alienation... ain't that just peachy! And what's this? Someone's got a fancy little label too, eh? What's that artist's name there, is that Dutch? Belgian? Is that middle name there somethin' African or Indian or somethin'? Your artist sounds pretty damn cosMOpolitan to me. Oooh, and it says here you are "untitled"! Well excuse me, Untitled. You don't mind if I call you that, do ya? After all, it is kinda your title, otherwise if you were actually untitled you would have no title, right? But your title suggests its own lack there, dunnit? Whoa, that is some prOfound stuff right there! It's like a paradox or somethin', right?

Nice dimensions and materials you've got listed there too... says here you were made in 2012. Nice and young piece of art you are, eh Untitled? Ya must be pretty proud and all with all these here stylish anDROgynous types checkin' you out like that, holdin' a glass of wine in one hand and a brochure in the other. Check out them fancy eyeglasses and scarves and hats and funky tights they be wearin' as they tilt their heavy education-filled heads to the side, shiftin' their weight on one leg while contemplatin' yer existential implications and what not with them pensive gazes. If I didn't know better, I'd say you was bein' deconstructed in some kinda Lacanian psychoanalytic framework with a tinge of post-structuralist Foucaultian discursive analysis thrown in fer good measure, am I right? Oh yeah, and maybe some gestalt stuff too... excuse me, I meant geSHtalt, pardon my French or my German or what have you.

Let's see what this BROchure here says aboutcha... Hoo-whee, says here your fancy art school graduate arteest over there from the fancy soundin' EurOpean contemporary art museem done thought you up as some kinda exPLOration of the boundaries of identity in a post-industrial mulTIcultural world. He's done given you some kinda conceptual symbolism, by the sounds of it. Says here you's meant to be some kinda contemporary creetique of our post-capitalist shift to some kinda techNOlogical dystopia. Who'da thought that from the looks of ya? I mean, no disrespect or nuthin', but ya kinda look like a few pieces of weirdly welded metal tubes with plaster legs and a bird-shaped rock on it, dontcha?

Anyhoo, don't mind me, I'm just gonna enjoy this here free wine and mingle with the crowd and all. Just thought I'd say hi... Ooo, wait a minute, what DO we have here? Another piece of art, by the looks of it...