11/6/12

Donate money to me to save the earth!


Left: Planet Earth (as seen from Earth)

Massive hurricanes, super tornadoes, melting ice caps, rising sea levels, El Nino, floods, mudslides, mass extinction of species... each and every one of us is all too aware of the horrendous and tragic calamities befalling planet earth each day as a direct consequence of the effects of global warming and climate change. The good news is, all of those problems can be solved if we throw tons of money at them. But how do we begin? What can we do? Where do we send our much needed donations? Well, every great journey begins with a single modest step. So take that first step, dig deep into your pockets, and send me as much money as you can so I can then donate that money to all the relevant and absolutely legitimate earth-saving charities and organizations around the world.

I know I know, this looks like another one of those websites that ask you for money. Well, this is not one of those! Ok, yes, technically I am asking you for money on a website, but it's only so I can donate that money to worldwide relief organizations that are dear to my heart. Take my word for it, this is different. When it comes to getting your money to the right people, I'm your guy. I've done the research, I know what's legit. Whether it be organizations like the Center for Overhauling Nature (CON), or Living In Ecology (LIE), or one of my favorites, Seeking Conservation Answers for Mother (SCAM) Earth, there are plenty of organizations out there which I can donate money to on your behalf and which definitely do exist. These organizations that I certainly didn't just make up off the top of my head are so legitimate that they can't even be Googled, because they are so committed to their non-profit credentials that they don't even want to be listed on a major search engine like Google that relies on advertising for close to 90% of its annual revenue. That should prove to you the legitimacy of these 100% real organizations that are obviously in it for no reason other than to save the earth and humankind, and which, like I said, exist for sure.

But what if you don't have any money to spare for all those worthwhile charities? No matter! Why not donate clothes instead, preferably size L t-shirts and size 32-33 pants along with size 43 shoes, though 42 1/2 would be ideal... or even Adidas sneakers, because some people really like Adidas? It could be literally anything, even tennis rackets could help save the environment! Anyone with a Head Ti titanium series mid-plus L5 with 4 1/2 inch grip, say, would be more than welcome to donate. Or what about donating your old computer, something a bit bigger than an HP Mini 110 netbook, preferably an old Macbook Pro? Seriously, there are any number of things you can donate to charity through me: two movie tickets to see Skyfall, Kindle gift cards from Amazon, your old iPhone 4S or iPad 2, maybe a Playstation, dinner for two at any fancy Istanbul restaurant, plane tickets anywhere from Istanbul, a larger fridge, a counter-top oven, maybe even a new duvet, something thin and light that breathes well, perhaps 85% goose down and 15% feather, with a tog range of say 4.5 to 8, something that could save someone a long and expensive cab ride out to IKEA or Habitat? Seriously, you could donate anything! It's a small price to save the earth, so start looking around the house to see what you can give to me so I can pass it on to charity, but maybe send me a photo first so I can tell you if charity could actually use what you're going to send them because I know exactly what charity needs and what charity doesn't need. For example, try not to send any flannel shirts, because I think charity has enough flannel shirts as it is, and might even be considering giving away some of its own flannel shirts... oh, but of course they're going to give them away, they're charity! Silly me!

Two things charity really likes are old books and even food that's just sitting in your fridge and which you're not eating but which hasn't gone bad yet either. Charity could definitely use those. Charity will read and eat virtually anything. Also, now that I think of it, socks and underwear are also always appreciated by charity, as is gym membership anywhere near Istiklal avenue in Beyoglu, Istanbul, for example.

Our fragile planet is in dire straits. We can't just wait for the next Hurricane Sandy to come along before we take action. Let's not just sit around till the polar bears are dead and gone, or until we deplete our planet's last remaining tropical rainforests. It's time to take action NOW. All you need to do is write an email to john_peters344@yahoo.com and we will send you our account details at the First National Bank of Nigeria so you can begin donating today! My Nigerian associates John Peters and Michael Edwards guarantee that your donations will be partly channeled directly to me via an anonymous private savings account at a major Turkish bank, and partly through various Nigerian environmental NGOs, all of which will be passed on to all the relevant earth-saving environmentalist charities around the world in due course! If you're not planning on donating money but are planning on donating any of the items I mentioned above like clothes or food or tennis rackets, then send an email to wowtag-bon8@hotmail.com so I can provide you with contact information concerning the name and address where you can send your donations.

Do NOT try to contact me directly!

11/5/12

Being a great nation is all about believing in yourself


Being a great person isn't just about having great looks, shiny hair, nice clothes or a great smile. Being great is about believing you're great. Would you let anybody tell you otherwise? Of course not. Everybody has greatness within them, you just have to believe in yourself, believe in your greatness, and then you will be great.

The same principle also holds true for nations. Just as being a great person doesn't involve having fancy expensive possessions like cars or money, great nationhood doesn't involve just having fancy institutions, like a system of political checks and balances, or an independent judiciary, or a free and fair electoral process, an accountable government, a free press, freedom of speech, respect for minorities, human rights and all that superficial nonsense. Great nationhood involves one thing and one thing only: believing you are a great nation. I will take as an example Turkic countries, because if there's one nation that believes in its greatness, it's Turks. Ask any Turk, including me, and we will tell you we're the greatest nation on earth. We believe we're number one, and that's what counts.

A person may have a wonky eye, big ears, a limp or a speech impediment... well so what? Your state may imprison journalists, or torture political dissidents, or silence opposition, or repress its people, or use state institutions to forward its own governing clique's ideological agenda, or murder opponents, or tap people's phones, or dismiss international law when it suits its interests, or arm clandestine terrorist cells, or oppress minorities and women, or engage in shameless nepotism and cronyism, or disregard even the most basic human rights for the sake of its own power interests... well too bad! Does that mean anybody has the right to say they are not awesome? Of course not! All you have to do is believe in yourself as a nation and stand by your nation state, just as you would an individual, and always think positive.

But how do you stay positive? How do you keep your self-esteem? What makes us Turks so successful in this regard? Here are some things the rest of the world can learn from us:

1) Build really big things
That's right, the bigger the better. How about aiming to build the world's tallest building, like in Azerbaijan? Or building the world's largest indoor ferris wheel, like in Turkmenistan? Or what about a whole artificial city with big shiny lights and a whole bunch of bright colors like Astana in Kazakhstan? Or one of the largest shopping malls in the world, in Turkey? Or the world's largest golden statue, again in Turkmenistan? You know what all those big things mean? They mean WE ARE THE BIGGEST AND THE BEST. Case closed. Big monuments = big belief = GREATNESS.

2) Have a president for life
Aliyev, Karimov, Nazarbayev, Niyazov, Berdimukhammedov, and soon Erdogan... All great examples of how once you have a leader, you have him for life. Nothing is as reassuring for a nation as knowing that you don't need to keep wondering who's going to lead you. It's one less issue to worry about. Change the constitution if you have to, just make sure you have one supreme leader until he dies and passes power down to his son or hand-picked deputy. Nothing says self-belief like knowing who your leader is and sticking with him forever.

3) Ignore negativity, focus on the positive
Let's face it, somebody's always going to say "Ooooh, you tortured so and so number of dissidents!" or "Oh no, you have the largest number of arrested journalists in the world!" or "Gee whiz, your elections are a sham!" or "You're squandering your petro-money on ostentation while your people live in poverty, ignorance and fear!" or "Golly, you imprisoned hundreds of people following show trials based on clearly falsified evidence!" Well it's important to block out other nations' negativity. Just block that right out. What would you do if someone came up to you and said all that negative stuff to your face? "You have bad hair!" or "Ew, look at your zits!" You would just smile and say "Well I believe I'm GREAT!" Good for you! That's what nations should also do. Look at Uzbekistan, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Turkey or Turkmenistan. Do you think they have any self-esteem issues? Of course not, because they BELIEVE in themselves.

4) Remember, everyone's just jealous of you
You know where all that negativity comes from, right? Other nations are jealous of you. Imagine you're at a party and you overhear someone spreading bad rumors about you. What do you do? You simply dismiss it, because they're only jealous of your power. Same with nations. Just believe in yourself and all that negativity will fall by the wayside. Believe in what you're doing and don't let other nations try and change you and bring you down just because they're jealous of you. Simply dismiss what the rest of the world says, because you're Number One!

5) Rewrite history
When you read history, you can come across some nasty slanders against your nation. Well guess who wrote all that slander? Foreigners who hate you because they're jealous of you and want to be you but they can't so they say mean things about you instead to try and bring you down but you shouldn't let them because you're better than that because you believe in yourself. Do they accuse you of genocide? Accuse them of genocide back! Or just say YOU were the target of genocide. Just flip it on them. Do they say you massacred this and burnt that and oppressed those? Deny it and say you did the exact opposite. Simple as that! After all, it's just history, you can say whatever you want and then print it all in a single textbook that you can make all your children read and memorize so they maintain their all-important belief in their own greatness for the rest of their lives.

6) Be self-critical without being self-loathing
Ok, sometimes it's important to be able to be critical of yourself, but don't confuse that with self-hatred. After all, nobody's perfect. Sure, you might have massacred so and so or abused power in such and such a way or wrongfully imprisoned these and those, but doesn't that happen everywhere? Sure it does. Why be so hard on yourself? Nobody's perfect. Focus on the positives, like isn't your football team winning? Or don't you have one of the biggest armed forces in the region? Don't you build frigates and fighter jets? Isn't your economy bigger than your neighbors'?

7) It's just a conspiracy
You're great, you're fine, so then why are there people in your country who aren't happy with some things? Why are there people in your nation who seem so critical about their own nation? Why are there those who seem as negative about your nation as jealous foreigners are? Relax. They are being negative because they've been brainwashed by those jealous foreigners into becoming discontented with themselves. In other words, they've succumbed to negativity by letting foreigners convince them that their nation isn't perfect. All you have to do is ignore them, or better yet, help them see the positive side of things with a little help from some positive institutions, like the police or state prosecutors or patriotic and nationalist associations.

8) Repeat after me: God is on MY side
That's right, everybody claims God is on their side, but God is actually on YOUR side. YOU are correct, and those who do not believe in the things you do are INCORRECT and not to be trusted, and may even need to be corrected. Proof? Look deep inside yourself, think about what you believe in and hold dear... does that seem fake? Does that seem insincere? Of course not! It feels true, it feels right, doesn't it? That's because it IS. If it weren't true, then how could you feel deep down that it was? How could most of your nation (apart from traitors) be wrong for believing in the same thing?

9) Acquire legitimacy through money and geography
Got a whole bunch of money from oil and gas? Got geo-strategic importance? Use those as leverage to gain admittance to international organizations because other nations need to buy your energy or need an ally in that particular piece of geography and can't afford to NOT turn a blind eye to the things they (unfairly) criticize you of in the first place. Remember, EVERY country is run by opportunistic hypocrites who would easily overlook ethical considerations for the sake of their state power apparatus' interests. Relax, yours isn't the only hypocritical opportunistic criminal state in the world you know!

10) Say one thing, do something else
Say you support free and fair elections then imprison all the negative people in your nation who might cast a shadow over your greatness. Say you support women's rights but then turn a blind eye to gendercide and promote religious beliefs and traditions that limit women's role in public. Say you support Palestinian/East Turkestani/Burmese Muslim/ethnic Turkish rights in countries where they're oppressed but turn a blind eye to people oppressed in your own and other Muslim countries. Meddle in the affairs of foreign countries like Syria, Israel and Iraq, but cause an uproar when other nations criticize you, accusing them of meddling in your own internal affairs.

11) Claim every other nation is related to you 
Us Turks are good at this, we can claim that Hungarians, Finns, Japanese, American Indians, Kurds, Sumerians, Hittites, you name it, are all originally Turks, and we can do it with a straight face. Even our school textbooks say so. We even claim that Adam (of "first guy in the world" fame) was Turkish! Why not? Just BELIEVE. Balkan nations are already good at this, Serbs claim Sanskrit is Serbian, Bulgarians claim everyone's Bulgarian, Greeks think the sun shines out of Greece's ass. So why not do the same with your nation? That way, if anyone criticizes you, you can say "Hey, you're a Turk [or whatever your nationality is] too you know!" Handy!

12) Tell people if they don't like their nation they can leave...
...or be imprisoned. Give them a choice. Remember to keep plugging the notion that the government represents the will of the people and your dear leader is the father of your nation.

Follow those steps, and you're on your way to becoming a great nation!