9/2/12

Great books with awful sex


Below are excerpts of terrible sexual passages that I came across while reading otherwise great books. It just goes to show, no work of art is perfect.

Left: The Pride and Prejudice lesbian orgy passage came second in tastelessness only to Elizabeth Bennet's disturbing boudoir flick-off 

From "Fiesta, The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway 
"He took out his penis. It was a fine penis. It was hard and fine. She looked at his penis. She thought a penis was a fine thing, good and fine. And long. The matador's was a long penis. Good, fine and long. It was a man's penis. Most penises are. They embraced. His penis was erect. It was squeezed up between their two bellies as they embraced, like a fine penis-and-belly sandwich. It pushed into her belly. It was a fine embrace, fine and long, although the penis was probably feeling a little squished. The man who loved her watched secretly from behind the partition, in his wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down. He did not have an erect penis. He could not have an erect penis. It was not good or fine. He was pretty pissed."

From "Notes From Underground" by Fyodor Dostoevsky
"Hah! So she thought she had me in her snare! But I have her in mine! I'll show her! I'll move in and take her, I'll ravish and grab her, she will experience the pleasures that I have in store for her and then... oh no... ooooh... hrgghhh... hmph... aaah... damn it, not again, I got all excited, and now this! A big wet patch in my breeches? Never fear! It can happen to the best of us, so it can happen to me too... I'll still show them! It happens to all men! Curse all men, yes, curse them all! Yes, it's no big deal, right Natasha? Right? Oh, you don't care? Ok, fine. How much do I owe you? Really? That's highway robbery, I mean technically we didn't even have sex, not together anyway... ok ok, take it easy, no need to call Boris, here's the money."

From "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen
"As I lay supine in my boudoir, my imagination got the better of me, and I could heretofore only presume that Mr. Darcy would consider it pleasingly germane, if not flattering, that, with thoughts of him afresh in my mind, I had taken the liberty of removing my corset and exposing my bare breasts so indiscreetly despite my complete privacy as to cause somewhat of an instantaneous gush in my demeanor, which, when augmented by furious fondling as I pictured his arrogant yet now somewhat charming mien, had enabled me to overcome my feelings of disdain and reserve, and I felt I had softened as much in heart as in body, such that if love were a moist rolling wave of wet velvet drapes, he would be the first invited to push them aside and let me bask in the light of a... a... feverish, fervent frottage... oh god... oh yes... OH GOD OH GOD YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES"

From "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll
"Alice was feeling flustered. That curious looking caterpillar had got her super stoned with his funny looking bong, and the mushroom she ate was starting to space her way the fuck out. The Cheshire Cat was like 'Dude, seriously, you're tripping balls' but Alice had had enough of it all and suddenly felt sad on her comedown. So she cried and she cried until a sea of tears had welled up all around her. Then she took all her clothes off and went skinny dipping in her own tears, which is like, whoa, pretty deep symbolism and all... Anyway, so then she's all naked and the mock turtle, swept up by the rapid flood of tears, swims right into her, I mean literally right into her, man, and Alice was all 'Oh dear!' and the mock turtle was like 'muffle muffle muffle'."

From "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" by Philip K. Dick
"He wasn't sure if she was an android or a human. She was a Type-6, you just couldn't tell, except through a special psychological test that only a few detectives were experienced enough to give. He moved in tentatively and kissed her lips. They were warm, like a real woman's lips. He moved his hand down and cupped her breasts. They were supple and firm, just like a woman's breasts. He ran his fingers through her hair, smooth and silky. Sure enough, it was like a real woman's hair. He then ran his hand down to her buttocks, they were soft and fleshy, just like a woman's buttocks... except that he noticed the electrical cord running from between her legs to a socket in the wall where she was plugged in. Wait a minute, he thought, there's something fishy going on here. Then one of her eyes sprang right out of her head, going 'BOING!' and just bouncing around in the air on the end of a spring coil. This isn't quite right, he thought. Steam started piping out of her ears. Then she started doing the robot dance, hands Karate-chopping through the air as she bent up and down turning her head left and right, repeating over and over in a metallic voice 'I AM A ROBOT, I AM A ROBOT, I AM A ROBOT' He knew something was up, but what? Maybe he could find out what it was by making love to her? They had sex, it was like having sex with a real woman... except maybe for the spring coil eye, the steam still piping out of the ear, the Karate-chopping arms, electric cord running out from her legs, and her strange bed talk, which went 'OH YES, DO ME BINARY STYLE, ZERO ONE ZERO ONE ZERO ONE ZERO ONE IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT ZERO ONE ZERO ONE' This is odd, he thought..."


From "In Search of Lost Time" by Marcel Proust
"If she had been inclined from the first to ensnare me with her sedulous charms, I could only perceive a delinquency on my part for not having inquired why she would bother to enact so fervently a melodrama of the highest order -- one so reminiscent of a Coubert one-act set against the backdrop of an inferior early period Adomblie sampling, or perhaps more in line with a Rembart 'Mistletoe Tryst' -- that it was now past even my own reckoning as to who was leading on who, and besides, Madame Camembert was in on the thing all along, yet I couldn't help but wonder, if the eloquent flow of my tedious sentences didn't at least intimate -- if not disconceal (for want of a better, and more real, dissertation) -- the fact that I did not have the least intention of lasciviousness regarding her exquisite feminine airs, considering the fact that I am super, super gay."


From "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville
"The male sperm whale produces powerful clicks to attract the female sperm whale. Once she has chosen her partner, usually the larger of competing males, her genitoanal slit at the base of the belly near the tailstock will contract, and the nipples on either side of her genitoanal slit will harden. The male's penis protrudes from its genital slit, midway between the anal slit and the navel. Increased blood pressure and muscle contractions lead to an erection in the male, and the two sperm whales copulate belly to belly as the male inserts his penis into the female to deposit his sperm. All of which is very odd, considering a whale is a fish."

From "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac
"Ew, gross, I had sex with Allen Ginsberg! Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck, shower shower shower, I have to wash myself clean, I have to wash myself clean... How the hell did he convince me to do that? Eeeeew, I feel so dirty! I gotta get back to one of my wives... I can't get the image of his beard off my dick. So gross!"

From "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte 
"Come here Catherine, you bitch! I'm going to stomp the living shit out of your spoilt little face! Where the fuck are you, you brat? I hope you like it rough! Maybe this fist in your face will change your mind? Beg for mercy! Say 'No, please Heathcliff, let me go'. Fat fucking good it'll do you! You wanted a torrid, steamy, passionate love affair, right? Well here it is, on the end of my boot as it connects with your dainty little chin! I don't care if you're a ghost! Fuck you! Fuck the world! I will butt-rape EVERYONE!"

From "Ulysses" by James Joyce
"Cunt"