1/26/11

More things we can do without



Left: Awww, how cute! The dick who hates the poor and starts wars is all lovey dovey with the creep who molests little girls!

This is part three of the "Things we should stop putting up with" series, in which a snotty opinionated shithead (me) divulges all the things that make his head boil and mouth foam to errant wandering internet surfer who by some incredibly improbable concatenation of wrong turns and missteps has wandered onto this desolate site (you). Parts one and two are back here and here respectively. So, yap yap yap, here's another obnoxious list of things I think we could probably do without... but this time I'm not numbering them because after I number them I always change my mind about which order I want them in so then I have to redo all the numbers when I do that and it's just a big pain in the... anyway, here's the list:

Puerto Rican pride. The first rule to being proud of your country is that it should at least be INDEPENDENT. Otherwise all you have to be proud of is Ricky Martin, big butts and fried chicken.

Free Willy 4. Killer Whales (yes KILLER whales, hello?) kill baby grey whales. They gang up and drive the baby whale from its mother, then they drown the baby whale by jumping on it repeatedly before eating its tongue without even bothering with the rest of the carcass. They're murderous and wasteful. When you keep freeing Willy you're actually killing baby grey whales. Also, I haven't seen any of the movies or anything, but if you have to free Willy four times maybe the motherfucker doesn't really want to be free?

Silvio Berlusconi. I don't understand. How could a nation that pretty much invented everything, gave us the Renaissance, and produced men like da Vinci, Michelangelo and Del Piero end up being ruled by a sleazy megalomaniacal pedophiliac cruise singer? Oh wait, they also produced Benito Mussolini, didn't they? Ok, never mind.

3D TV. WHOA! Wait just a minute! You mean to tell me the car looks like it's outside of the screen!? Put me on the installment plan for that nauseating three thousand dollar gimmick!

"If I told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?" If I told you to tiptoe around a straw man on a slippery slope with a red herring shoved into a non sequitur tautology, would you stop changing the subject?

Watching news rather than reading it. Reading is so hard. But when I see a screen and someone reads me the news to me I can understand the news more better because their are pictures and I just have to listen to it and look at it to now whats happening in the world.

BBC. What happened to all the documentaries and comedy? Why am I always watching people decorate a house?

Banning websites. Anybody can get into any website anyway through proxies or fooling around with secret numbers in weird parts of their computer, so why not spare your country the embarrassment of looking like such a shitty outdated third-world joke to the rest of the civilized world and chill the fuck out?

Not being able to maintain a logical thread. Wait a minute, before going to point B don't forget point A, because otherwise... oh no, too late, you're rambling nonsensically at point WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

Fining people for not wearing helmets. It's ironic that you're being punished for not protecting something that can't even figure out for itself that it should be protected.

Magicians. Bravo. You hide people in secret compartments and dress like a douche.

Charging people for luggage carts at airports. Hey, while you're making a buck off of my unfortunate need for help in carrying all this luggage, maybe, on top of the exorbitant airport tax I already have to pay for your sleek new designer plane station, you could also charge me a little extra for using the escalators, walking on your floor, and using up such a sizable chunk of the oxygen in your airport? I love to travel with a big bag of coins in my pocket anyway, just in case.

Girls puckering their lips for photos. The only thing all those kissy poses say is that you think you're really sexy. If you really want to be sexy then a simple natural bright-eyed smile is all you need to give guys wood.

The Kardashians. In case you've never seen the Kardashians, here it is in a nutshell: "Oh my God you guys, I have so much going on in my life right now, this is a really crazy time for me you guys, so let's go and shop for panties and then bicker and then shop some more and then, like, go to Miami and tell each other to, like, back off, because, like, you're being a total psycho and you're not my mother... oh wait, you are my mother, whateverrr, you're being super controlling, so just leave me alone! Oh no, I'm lonely now, come back you guys! Oh my God, I'm gonna cry you guys, I love you guys! Euuuw I, like, totally hate you guys! You're being such a bitch! You're such a BLEEEP bitch! I love you again, you're like family you guys! Listen to me drone on and on about how selfish everyone is except me! Hey you guys, be honest, does my big butt make my big butt look big? Let's go put on a ton of mascara and wear giant sunglasses! Is that like a paradox or something you guys? Whatever, words are for nerds. Oh my God you guys I just realized, like, how come Robert's name doesn't begin with a K, like Kris and Kim and Kourtney and Khloe and Kendall and Kylie? Shouldn't he be, like, I don't know, Kobert? Oh right, only the girls start with K, probably because, like, mom's name starts with K... oh and Kardashian starts with a K too! Yay! Oh my God you guys, I just realized we have no talent and we don't do anything. That makes me depressed you guys. Let's go shopping again!"

Yes yes, I know, I watch the Kardashians and the joke's on me.

Republicans. I don't think we should be too hard on Republicans. I mean, which one of us hasn't sucked Satan's cock at some point in our lives, right?

Astrologers. Oh yeah, in 1981 Alpha Centauri and the PHR7001 constellation were aligned with Saturn above the 48th gradient of the 38th parallel at a longitude of 52-degrees at 6:52 am when you were coming out of your mother's womb, which is why you have an easy-going personality and like the color blue. That makes sense.

People who complain about how crowded it is. Hey dumbass, guess who's also in this crowd that you're complaining about? I'll give you a hint, it starts with a You.

Teen vampires and wizards. I know we all fantasized about having extraordinary qualities that made us special and unique when we were geeky acne-riddled teenage virgins hungry for girls' attention, but isn't our interest in immortal bloodsuckers and broom-riding wand-wielders a little rich? Whatever happened to all the well-adjusted teen geeks of yore who were into muscular animal-themed superheroes who had secret identities and wore capes and masks and body-hugging one-piece suits? Why did all those clean wholesome latently homosexual white-bread football-captain-type heroes suddenly degenerate into super goths and magic nerds? When did things start getting weird-er?

Being offended. Boo-fucking-hoo. You're offended.

Colonel Qaddafi. It's amazing what can be done in the Third World. Usually the only person you'd expect to get away with wearing funny costumes, sleeping in tents, having female bodyguards, blowing up planes and speaking mad ravings of unintelligible gibberish, would be a retired delusional circus manager with a coke problem who now runs a sleazy strip club and owns a bazooka. But in the Third World, that guy becomes the leader of a whole country! And not just as a wacky "what would happen if?" kind of experiment either, because he gets to be the leader FOREVER, and he even gets to call his country whatever he wants, like say "Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya"! Dreams might just come true in America (<-sarcasm), but you're in real trouble when deranged insanity can become the law in the Third World.

Being against swear words. If it weren't for swear words, you'd have to listen to stuff like this: "Gee shucks, just wait one cotton-pickin' minute mister, those words are offensive to my ears, gosh darn it! You better clean up that potty mouth or by golly I'm going to shove this soap so far down your throat you're going to be blowing little brown bubbles out your chocolate starfish, y'hear?" Which is more disturbing, that or "fuck off"?

Identifying with sports teams. Why don't you also just go for the color red? You have about as much input into the success of the color red as you do your whateverball team, so why don't you just pick red and be proud of it. You could pump your fists and whoop every time you pass a fire hydrant.

Frappa-cappu-mochachinos. Black coffee is coffee. Everything else is liquid candy.

Marrying royalty. Sure, you're marrying a prince and getting a cool title, but all you're really doing is signing up for a lifetime of shaking hands, smiling at cameras, cutting ribbons and acting friendly to crowds of people you would never ever associate with otherwise.

Rubberneckers. Hey, what happened? What's going on? What am I looking at here? Why am I staring at this? How did I suddenly find myself in a confused crowd of blank-eyed bystanders looking quizzically at each other trying to figure out if anybody knows why we're all standing here looking quizzically at each other in a confused crowd of blank-eyed bystanders?

Reality TV. Reality TV is not real. Real Reality TV is what you would get if a camera could show you You watching Reality TV in your living room as you play with your toes and squeak out farts before passing out on your couch with Cheetos sprinkled all over your sweater. That's some nasty hard-hitting reality right there. No, what you're watching as "Reality TV" is actually the nadir of human civilization at the End of Days when the Sixth Seal tears open and Satan's hordes pour forth to cover the earth in cascading torrents of demonic smegma. So there's a slight difference.

Religious people telling you what's good for you. You're telling me drinking is bad? You believe in angels and prophets! What the fuck do you know!?

People who can't use an ATM in under a minute. Oh my God, there are so many buttons and so many options! I must choose very carefully, as the sequence in which I press these buttons will determine whether I can obtain the magic papers inside the machine that I can exchange for necessary goods and services in the real world! I must read everything twice, and maybe even start over when I lose concentration halfway down the list of what denominations I would like my money in and how big an amount I need it to be! There's a long line of people behind me now huffing and sighing and shifting noisily and looking at their watches... uh, where was I? Oh yeah, the pin code, I must first enter the pin code... Why isn't it responding? Oh, it's not a touchscreen... What was with Mark's pissy comment on Facebook this morning anyway? Boy, I really should get a haircut...wait what was I doing again? Oh yeah, the ATM. I'm at the ATM. Oh wait, wrong pin, that's the one I use for my bicycle lock! God, I'm such a moronic shitferbrains who doesn't deserve to have any money anyway! Isn't that ironic?

(That whole passage should be read in the voice of Ed Grimley, with an "I must say" added at the end of every two sentences)

Guys who are into fashion models. Wait, so let me get this straight: your idea of an ideal woman is a cold anorexic chain-smoking prepubescent with no breasts, no ass, no hips, and no curves? Well then you're in luck, because even though you will most likely never ever sleep with a fashion model, you could probably just make do by having sex with a clothes rack.

Saying "and I" instead of "and me". Mary came to talk to John and I. She told I that she would rather not hang out with I because I don't even know what an objective pronoun is. Sometimes she really infuriates I!

Being famous. Whoop-dee-doo, everybody knows who you are. Clap clappity clap.

People who don't know how to step aside and give way. You are walking side by side by side by side. You are blocking the entire sidewalk. You are walking at a slow pace and chitchatting. You realize other people are also using the sidewalk, and yet you are startled and turn to look when they excuse themselves and say they would like to pass. How does this happen? Why do you live in a big invisible bubble of self-entitlement?

Pluto. That's right, you heard us: FUCK OFF, YOU'RE NOT A PLANET!

Plato. Um, you're not a planet either... so I guess you can fuck off too.

Writing workshops. Are you more interested in becoming a writer than you are in writing? Well now you too can get all the connections and learn all the tricks to putting out inane drivel to become a bestselling author! Drown out any originality you may have had by conforming to styles and themes of writing that literary agents and publishers think will sell the most! Keep in mind what readers want, and write accordingly! Utilize our ten step guides to plot creation and character development! Learn from our trained academics, because they're professors! Are you a professor? Didn't think so. Apply now!

Empty bottles in drinks cabinets. Ok we get it, you once owned a fancy bottle of whisky, but I need a drink now and I thought I was getting a drink because the label on the bottle pretty much says "this is a drink", but instead I'm getting air. And frustration. Lot's of frustration. Why is this bottle still here?

Not being able to heed a traffic signal. Why are you walking across and holding up traffic when it says DON'T WALK? If you were in such a hurry that you couldn't spare 20 seconds of not walking, then you wouldn't be walking in the first place, because you'd be in a car swearing at some asshole like you who couldn't stop walking for 20 seconds.

The chicken or the egg? Enough with the chicken. The egg obviously came first, because the origin of new species is a result of natural selection whereby certain mutations in the DNA of a particular species are passed on to an offspring by chromosomally combining in a new egg. That egg will contain the first creature that will be born a "chicken", viz. with more chicken-like genetic characteristics than the genetic characteristics of whatever pre-chicken species it evolved from, which would be, um... a T-Rex? So anyway, in short, the egg wins.

Commercials. Hey look at me, I'm an actor acting like I like this product so you should too because we assume you're probably too dumb to form an opinion of your own and will probably just do what some actor tells you to do, so go buy this thing you will never need at all, ever!

Moral vegetarians. Hey Mister "I Don't Eat Anything With A Face", what's up with your bias against aprosopic organisms? What makes you think ripping plants out of the ground while they're still alive and grinding them to death with your teeth isn't just as barbaric as eating an animal? Every time you gnash a plant to death, you're killing one more organism that provides us with oxygen and cleans up the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Do you want to suffocate us all and let the world become one big poisonous bubble? It's time you stopped eating anything organic whatsoever and starved to death for the good of our planet. It's the only morally sensible thing to do.

Super genius movie heroes. Why does every Hollywood film these days have some genius main character? It's either some genius secret agent, or genius spy, or genius soldier, or genius stockbroker, or genius lawyer, or genius athlete, genius this, genius that. Why don't we make more realistic films about the stupid spies who couldn't figure out there weren't really any WMDs in Iraq, or the dimwit secret agents who still haven't been able to locate Osama bin Laden, or the birdbrains going to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the nincompoop bankers and brokers who led to the 2008 economic meltdown, or the nitwits who couldn't put OJ Simpson behind bars, or the dum dum golfer who screwed up his marriage and career by banging a few too many cocktail waitresses? Why not be a little more realistic?

Over-confidence. It's good to be confident, but these days everybody thinks they're going to conquer the world and beat everyone at everything and become a millionaire and yaps on and on about it. Why not a little humility and realism? Why not accept that most of us are going to lead sad and pointless little lives before dying of cancer? That should at least help us regain some perspective.

Punk. Despite protestations to the contrary from punk music fans, when even people in advertising agencies and law firms are into punk music these days, that means punk is in fact dead. Well dead.

Clinking glasses with every toast. Why do we have to maneuver around everybody's hands and arms to touch glasses and look in every person's eyes and smile every time we toast, as if we're freemasons or Georgian mafia or something? Why don't we just raise our glasses in the air, say cheers, and drink already?

People who cover their ears when ambulances pass. Oh I'm sorry, should they be a little more quiet on their way to saving people's lives? Would that be easier on your delicate little ear drums?

Birthday presents. Oh hey, here's something you don't need but which you're going to have to pretend to like anyway, and be grateful for, and have to reciprocate in the future! Isn't this fun? Happy birthday!

New Year's resolutions. Dear Me, I don't even really know why the new year begins on January first and not May first or April first or something, but I think it would be a good random point in time to change myself for the better, become healthier, be more responsible, and put an end to self-destructive habits... at least until December 31, which would be a good random point in time to get wasted and do a ton of blow.

1/15/11

We need zombies!



Left: When there are zombies, we're all going to be like this guy.

The living dead are our only hope for salvation. Here's why.
Ok, I know, you're thinking how could it be good for humanity that one morning we wake up to find hordes of semi-decomposed corpses roaming the streets trying to eat our entrails and suck our brains out of our skulls to satisfy some ungodly undead hunger for tasty fresh us? But hear me out, because this could be a very good thing. We just have to think positive about this.

First up, our fat, privileged, insular, lazy, useless lives spent in offices doing bullshit, or at school getting a ton of pointless education, or at home on a couch watching stupid TV, or masturbating to a trillion hours of porn on the internet, or worrying about what we're going to do with our lives, or wondering if we can make our next mortgage payment, all of that shit will be over when the dead come crawling out of their graves to walk the earth. Suddenly our purpose in life will be clear: to not be killed by zombies. So whatever matching set of tea cloths you were learning to make from old curtains courtesy of Martha Stewart, or whatever money you were saving to buy a motorbike to add a little zest to your life, or whatever hairstyle you were hoping on going for at the salon to impress hubby with, drop those plans. Once there are zombies, you have only one thing you can do: ditch all the useless garbage you own, grab your weapons, shave your hair, and become a lean mean motherfucker who must now kill or be killed. We're all going to be Woody Harrelsons in cut off jackets mowing down ghouls with M249s as we make cool sarcastic remarks and drive off in Hummers.

Just think of how much better zombies will make us have to be. The first to die off will be the weak and fat, because they will get woozy just running up and down stairs or even making it to the safety of the forests in time to escape the zombies. If you can't deal with stairs or run a kilometer without having a heart attack, then you sure as fuck can't expect to successfully run away from zombies, so you're done. Of course I guess it also depends on the zombies. If you have "Night of the Living Dead" type zombies who just sort of moan a lot and stumble along with a vacant stare going right-foot left-foot right-foot left-foot at 1 km/h, you have a much better shot at survival. Then again, once those guys corner you in an abandoned barn and get a zombie huddle going, they're pretty deadly. But if you're talking about the modern kinds of zombies that can sprint after you snapping their teeth and frothing at the mouth, then the fat and weak don't stand a chance. Okay, those modern zombies you see in films like "28 Days Later" or "I am Legend" are technically not zombies but people infected by a hideous virus or something, but they never seem to get better and have lost their humanity and want to eat other people, so to all intents and purposes we may as well consider them zombies.

Now once all those redundant DNA chunks are dangling from zombies' teeth, the ones left over will be suddenly freed of all civilized concerns, or whatever our stupid problems are supposed to be these days. All our whining and bitching about "postmodern alienation", and "trying to find a healthy balance between doing something I'm passionate about and earning money", and being dyslexic, and feeling bored and listless and depressed all the time, and a whole ton of other so-called problems, all of that is gone. You have only one real problem now that the zombies are around: the zombies. You have to learn how to stay alive again. You have to learn how to kill. You have to learn how to come up trumps in a merciless fight for limited resources once society breaks down. In short, you have to become Mad Max. And guess who doesn't give a shit about dyslexic Gen-Y'ers on anti-depressants looking for validation in a postmodern world? Mad Max. In fact, if Mad Max ever had to deal with zombies on top of all those post-apocalyptic psycho road gangs that killed his wife and baby, he'd give even less of a shit.

And so now that you're a lean mean killing machine--and consequently much happier than when you were a bored slovenly semi-employed half-alive bill-paying automaton--your life has regained a clear and clean purpose that it didn't have since third grade (which is probably the last time you wanted to be Mad Max). No more "Gee, what am I going to do with my life?" or "Uh, it's so hard sometimes, how do I find something I love doing and earn money doing it so I can have a rewarding, satisfying life and..." blah blah blah, whiny cry-baby shit. You now have a purpose again: SURVIVE AND KILL ZOMBIES! That's it, that's all you have to worry about. Enjoy needing muscles again!

Now that you've regained those hunter/killer instincts, now that you're sharp, lean, focused, agile, now that you can feel the adrenaline pumping through your body again, you get to do what civilized society has deprived you of all your life, but which is so instinctively ingrained in you as to just need the slightest opportunity to come back out into the open: namely, your need to kill. But the beauty about having zombies around is that they're already dead, so technically you're not really killing them, you're just neutralizing them! That means, you get to go on a slaughtering bloodthirsty rampage of your own without killing anything, and it's all for the undoubted good of all humans, regardless of race, creed or nationality! Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday! What could be better? There is no moral ambiguity about this. Ask a million people and a million people will say "Yes, I support the bloody wholesale massacre of zombies". Sarah Palin can't hunt moose without being labeled a dipshit, even if it's for food (she is a dipshit, but not so much because she hunts moose). A vegetarian catches you eating meat and you get a lecture. Okay, you can get away with a lot of slaughtering in many parts of the world, but it's never really acceptable (unless you're the ones doing the slaughtering). States are the only legal criminal entities that are allowed to conduct legitimate mass slaughter in the form of war, but then you have to join a state and become brainwashed with ideals that put the state above people and then be expected to go out and kill other people for those ideals in the interests of the state, all of which is, of course, EVIL. Besides, as soon as you consider what you're killing for, you realize "wait a minute, I'M KILLING OTHER PEOPLE!" But when there are zombies, nobody will give a shit anymore, because everyone will want to kill zombies instead of each other! Vegetarians, Republicans, Democrats, Americans, Indians, Chinese, Africans, street gangs, the mafia, everyone will join in on the zombie holocaust with much merriness and jollity! Even Christians and Buddhists will have a hard time trying not to condone the killing of zombies. Muslims will finally find some kind of life form worse than Israelis or Americans: ZOMBIES! Skinheads will probably no longer think that dark people are their biggest enemy, because their biggest enemy will in fact be ZOMBIES! Seriously, the only chance we have of the Taliban and al Qaeda and Palestinians and America and Israel and White supremacists and everybody else in the world all working together against a common enemy is if that enemy is ZOMBIES! Or killer aliens... but then what are the chances killer aliens will ever land on our planet, right?

But so why do I assume society will break down? Come on, there are zombies running around! The dead rise out of their graves and populate the streets and fields. Hello? How could a civilized society function? What are you going to do, eat breakfast, get in your car, go to work, buy some groceries on the way home, watch TV, call it a night, put on your pyjamas and go to bed, all the while hoping that hordes of man-eating zombies don't devour you and your loved ones somewhere along the way? Fuck that! More likely you're stocking up on canned food, whetting a hunting knife, sawing off the barrel of your shotgun and doing chin ups to Rammstein, generally feeling like a Fuck-Off One-Man God of Death Thunder Vengeance! Or Mad Max, whichever.

And once society's broken down, you get that other bonus of a world overrun by zombies: no more worrying about money! You now have to take food, and take shelter, and take fuel through sheer cunning, force, power and stealth, not by some bovine exchange of time and labor in return for tokens to acquire necessities with. Money's gone. And that means... abandoned supermarkets! Aisles and aisles of free food just laying around for you to walk right in and shove in bags and boxes that you can then throw in the back of the SUV you also just took off the street, and which will be your home/transport/safeplace/weapon for the rest of your struggle against the forces of undead evil. Yes, it's a looter's paradise, but once again, it's looting for a good cause. You can be excused for just taking shit without paying for it, because, well... ZOMBIES!

Anyway, to sum up, a future world with zombies would give us everything we ever dreamt of: we would be fit, lean, strong, cool (to kill and/or run away from zombies); we would all have a purpose in life that is unambiguously and universally recognized as being a just and righteous cause (fighting and killing zombies); we wouldn't have to worry about stupid shit anymore like money or depression or boredom (there's freakin' ZOMBIES running around!); we would once again be real, well-rounded humans the way we used to be, building shelter, hunting food, killing enemies, few if any possessions beyond that which is necessary for survival (Z-O-M-B-I-E-S); we would do away with nationality and racism once and for all (Gee, should I hate people who are different than me, or should I focus my hatred on, say, MAN-EATING ZOMBIES?!).

But of course the best part is the sex. No more dates, no more presents, no more endless writing and talking and reading about what he likes and what she likes and wondering if we're good enough, hot enough, pretty enough, or attractive enough. In a world with zombies, where any day could be your last, and where the human race must survive, all that's left to do when man meets woman is to fuck. That's it. In a world overrun by zombies, a living man and a living woman are attractive to each other just by virtue of the fact that they have a pulse, end of story. The fact that they are standing there looking at each other is all the reason needed to bang. Case closed. Thank you for that zombies!

1/5/11

Facebook applications that never made it



Left: Deliberately undervalue your tax-paying peasants' goods to sell them for maximum profit on Tax FarmVille!

I recently found a list of disturbing Facebook applications that got axed before they ever made it on to the site. Here are twenty that were especially eye-catching:

1. Tax FarmVille
Bleed your peasants dry so you can collect enough funds to contribute to your despotic ruler's war chest! Flog your serfs when your crop withers, or join with other tax farmers to put down uprisings with the help of brutal mercenaries! Hours of entertainment!

2. My Drug Cabinet
Your own virtual drug cabinet that can only be populated by friends sending you drugs! Keep a careful balance between uppers and downers, and don't mix barbiturates, benzodiazepines and opiates, otherwise you could go into a virtual catatonic death spiral! Addictive!

3. Beer Goggles
Buy virtual beer goggles for your friends so they think you're semi-attractive! Add extra blurriness if you're pretty much unfuckable! You'll be surprised by the results!

4. Tophet Golf
In this new game by Zynga, you get to see how many Canaanite children you can club into the burning fire of Gehenna in the Valley of Hinnom as human sacrifice for Moloch! Wicked!

5. Unhappy Aquarium
Find out why your fish are floating belly-up in a filthy tank full of their own feces! Does the filter work? Have you overfed them? Who cares!

6. Which Lawn Bowling Celebrity Are You?
Do you have the determination of Liz McAllistair, the technique of Nor Iyani Azmi, or the sheer competitiveness of Kelsey Cottrell? Whose white jack can you curve a finger peg on? Download it!

7. Virtually Realistic Poker
This gives you the full experience of being a virtual gambler! Play Texas Hold'em with virtual money against other Facebook users, then when you lose all your virtual savings you can ask for virtual loans from your friends to support your virtual gambling problem, before telling them that you don't have a gambling problem and that they should back off because they don't know what it's like to lose everything and stand on the edge of a virtual precipice as you watch your life sink away into a giant black hole of misery and despair! Ante up!

8. Friend Onanizer
Sort photos of friends into groups according to which ones you like to whack off to the most! "Just a minute!!"

7. Daily Horoscope*
Pretend that random scientifically unsubstantiated causal relations between stellar constellations and overly generalized character traits mean something!
* This application seems somehow to have slipped through and made it onto Facebook.

8. Facebook Photoshop
Fabricate photos of you in places you've never been so you can fool your friends into thinking your life is way better than it really is! Over 400 backgrounds to choose from, including pyramids, temples, skyscrapers, lakes, mountains, the Moon, tigers and Daniel Day Lewis!

9. Betterness Ranking
Compare your photos, interests, education, places you've been and number of Google results for your name so you can rank your friends according to which of them you're better than and which of them are better than you! Rise up the rankings every time you get a new degree, visit a great place, or take up a cool pursuit! But be careful, because you can drop down the rankings too if you lose your job, get fat, turn 40, succumb to alcoholism, or fuck up yet another relationship because of unresolved emotional issues with your father! Oops!

10. Illiterate Me!
This application converts your English into netspeak gibberish that only 13 year-olds can understand! WTF r u w8ing 4?

11. Real Causes
Don't just say you support a cause and tack a lame name onto a list, send money instead! If you feel so strongly about something, then make a little donation, Mr. I Care Sooo Much. Go on, send some money, you insincere cheapskate. Or are you not really against AIDS?

12. What Human Genitalia Do You Most Resemble?
Take our quick quiz to see if you're a total dick, a complete asshole, a stupid nutsack, or a fucking cunt! Find out!

13. Profoundly Incomprehensible Status Update Generator
Now you can automatically post ambiguous status updates with no frames of reference for anyone but you! Make your friends have to ask you what you mean when your status update reads "finally!" or "that's just the way it goes" or "consciousness is a form of radioactivity"! Leave them in awe of the inscrutable depths of your creative and independent mind! Wow!

14. Least Popular
Find out which of your friends are the least popular so you can gang up on them with your other friends and make their lives a living hell! Get the Finger Pointer tool to point and laugh at the most pathetic of them all! Ha ha!

15. Remoticons
Use this application to emotionally distance yourself from your friends and demonstrate your indifference to all their lame posts! See that blank stare? That's me not giving a shit!

16. Death RanchVille
Buy specialized torture implements with the money you earn selling horsemeat you've passed off as beef at the local market, or receive extra points for mutilating a cow to get an erection! Turn off the "Conscience" function to increase psychopathic powers! Get it now!

17. Peppy Pal Lobotomizer
Find your peppiest perkiest pals and perform a virtual lobotomy on them that eliminates every third word in their posts and converts the terms "blessed", "wonderful" and "RIGHT ON!" into "deranged", "average" and "whoop-dee-fucking-doo" respectively!

18. Globalize Me!
Customize your account to make yourself look like an international citizen and a complete wanker! This app automatically adds photos of you doing yoga and riding a horse, signs you up to groups supporting whales and whoever's against Ahmadinejad, and even embeds background tunes onto your home page featuring mandolin music overlaid with African tribal chants! In your About Me section you will refer to yourself as a Global Nomad without even a hint of sarcasm! Go for it!

19. Cool Disorder Distorter
Click the cool disorder you would like to have and your posts will automatically be distorted to suit that disorder! You can choose from A.D.D., Dyslexia, Asperger's Syndrome and many other disorders that will imply that you're special, gifted, or a genius! It even comes with an automatic disclaimer at the end of every post that reads "(Sorry, I have [insert cool disorder here]!)" so you can seem like you're embarrassed about having the disorder, although apparently not embarrassed enough to prevent you from telling everyone on Facebook that you have it! Swete!

20. Get A Life
This application enables you to get a life by simply clicking the Logout button! No download required! Try it!

1/1/11

"Wear Sunscreen" - The First Draft



Left: Mary Schmich, post-treatment

Back in 1997, the world was enamored by a graduation speech delivered at MIT by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich. The speech was then published as an article titled "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" in the Chicago Tribune. It went on to become one of the most emailed and quoted articles on the internet in the last ten years, and was even made into a song called "Wear Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrmann.

Nearly 15 years have passed, and while many are familiar with the now famous "Wear Sunscreen" speech, few people realize that prior to having written that version of the speech, and around the time she was going through a particularly difficult divorce, Mary Schmich was suffering from a severe bout of depression with symptoms that included acute paranoia and, from what we gather, agoraphobia. When the earliest draft of her speech surfaced recently among the pages of a diary that was discovered by a rummaging hobo in a discarded shoebox with Schmich's name on it along with miscellaneous objects that included a voodoo doll, crucifix (possibly upside down, we can't be sure), seven tarot cards, a ouija board (missing the letter "R"), and a necklace made from perforated Prozac pills with the word "pain" etched in tiny letters on every pill, the world was confronted with a very different version of those feel-good words of advice that have been forwarded from inbox to inbox by peppy overachievers all over the globe.

Below is the original (and somewhat darker) version of this celebrated modern ode to youth:


"Inside every hollow shell of a human being lurks a spiteful harpy dying to smite the cold heartless world with bloodied talons of vengeance; some world-weary hag eager to binge on ice-cream, tequila and morphine capsules while young people live out their beautiful lives, rollerblading and snowboarding. Most of us, alas, will never be loved or recognized for who we really are because you never really appreciated me father, never, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide To Life For Precious Young People With the World Handed To Them On A Silver Plate And Everything To Still Live For.

I encourage anyone over 26 not currently undergoing electroshock treatment to try this, and thank you for acting like you're not freaked out by my bandaged wrists. Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Don't go out in the sun.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, staying out of sunlight would be it. The long-term benefits of staying the fuck away from direct exposure to a giant flaming hydrogen-fueled astroball of nuclear fusion that force-feeds barbecued melanomas to your face has been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable--or frightening--than my own futile and pointless existence. I will dispense this advice now, because when I speak, the voices in my head, mercifully, don't.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. By "power" and "beauty" I actually mean "anxiety" and "despair". So yeah, go ahead and enjoy that. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until you realize you never actually had any power and beauty... although you did have halitosis. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how terrible your clothes were, how many zits you had on your disproportioned mug, and how clumsy and awkward you really looked with your big potato nose and hideous hairdo.

You are not as fat as you imagine, but you're definitely as fat as other people think you are.

Don't worry about the future... unless you're already in your mid-20s, in which case you should definitely start worrying about the future, especially the likelihood that if you don't get your shit together right now you will never amount to anything in life and most likely die poor and alone. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind until it's too late, like that tumor in your head that will eventually blind you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares children.

Fret.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts if you're not even going to get any sex out of it. If people are reckless with yours then make sure you still at least get some sex out of it.

Bicker.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're a winner, sometimes you're a loser. The trick is to stop being such a loser. The race is long and, in the end, it's mostly between you and your former classmates whose success makes you depressed about what a loser you are.

Forget compliments, because that's what you'll receive from opportunistic flatterers who want to pamper your vanity in return for annoying favors. Remember insults, because you have no choice, since they will HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

Keep your old love letters. Also keep your old bank statements until the divorce comes through in case you need to prove what a life-draining leech your spouse was and how they don't deserve any alimony.

Drink.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life, or about how disappointed your parents are because of your ungrateful egotism and laziness. The most indecisive people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most clinically-depressed suicidal 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium along with all the other essential minerals and vitamins, without which you'll die. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. That's not a threat, it's just a friendly warning about what might accidentally happen to you if you were to claim custody of the kids, Richard.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll rub vaseline around the rim of your anus with your pinky finger before inserting a butt plug while masturbating in the toilet when your ex-wife's not home Richard, you sick pervert, maybe you won't. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. In fact, try and avoid talking to yourself in public altogether because I think it's starting to creep everybody out.

Enjoy your body, but don't enjoy it too much because then you'll go blind, and probably even start considering whether at some point you wouldn't mind experimenting with butt plugs, right Richard?

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in someone else's living room as you swill vodka and painkillers before vomiting in the kitchen sink, assaulting one of the other party guests, defecating on the bathroom floor, and eventually passing out in the bathtub with the door locked as you hear muffled voices calling for an ambulance.

Read the directions... unless you're autistic, in which case, memorize the directions.

Don't read beauty magazines unless you need some tips on how to be less ugly.

Get to know who your parents are, you bastard sons of whores. But don't get to know them in the biblical sense, because that's just wrong. Be nice to your siblings. They're the only ones you can comfortably fart around without having to close your legs or leave the room or wonder why your parents always loved them more than they love you.

Understand that friends come and go... although in your case they mostly just go, because let's face it, you're a bit of a douche. Work hard to bridge the gaps in language and intelligence, because the older you get, the more you need people who can understand what the fuck you're talking about.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you anything like any character in any reality show or sit-com based in New York City. Live in Northern California once, but leave before you realize you're a man and you shouldn't be eating tofu and getting cinnamon enemas and just generally being really completely totally gay - unless of course you are gay, in which case, why the fuck would you leave Northern California in the first place if you were never even going to commit to this marriage, Richard?

Act shocked.

Accept certain inalienable truths: The first 15 minutes of a romantic comedy is the only part of the film worth watching - much like your life. E=mc2. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, romantic comedies and your life were actually fun, that the theory of the measurement of inertial frames of reference means that there is no absolute and well-defined state of rest because all uniform motion is relative and life is meaningless anyway so what's the point, and that children then were just as bored as they are now by old failures like you going on and on about their childhood.

Respect your elders, even if they don't respect you back as they go on and on about how today's youth is no good and how everything was soooo much better back in their day and how they already had children when they were your age; but respect them anyway, just don't listen to the senile passive-aggressive fuckers.

My bed is my fortress, my bed is my fortress, my bed is my fortress, my bed is my fortress.

Don't expect anyone to support you besides your dad and your husband (until the faggot leaves you because he thinks you're self-destructive). Maybe you have a trust fund? Maybe you'll have a wealthy husband? But you never know when your dad or your wealthy husband might tragically pass away after accidentally tripping and falling down the stairs with no eye witnesses and a watertight alibi, thereby leaving all that money to you... for example.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look really really messy. And grey. And lonely.

Be distrustful whose advice you buy, and be argumentative with those who supply it. Advice is a form of bullshit, which is exactly what you've been listening to for the last ten minutes. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth, then throwing it away again when you're done with it, unless someone asks you for advice once more, in which case you can fish it back out, wipe it down all over again, paint over the ugly parts, and recycle it for more than it's worth, although maybe not as much as the first time around. How's that for a pithy, razor-sharp metaphor Mr. Hard-to-Please Shitkick Tribune editor?

But trust me on the sun. Stay in your house, shut the blinds, disconnect the phone, don't answer the door.

The sun wants to kill us all."