1/31/08

All the rage



We take a look at the Turkish habit of losing your shit.

We Turks have a tendency of going ballistic pretty easily. This is because we enjoy it, as an oft-quoted popular expression ‘rage is sweeter than honey’ (öfke baldan tatlıdır) suggests. In fact we enjoy it so much that rage has assumed an acceptable place in our social relations, to the point where it’s generally expected to arise at moments where non-Turks would still conceivably be engaged in calm reasoned argumentation. But to us, calm reasoned argumentation is boring when you could be having fun throwing a tantrum instead. So why do we go ape shit so much?

We often have little choice but to flip out. After all, there aren’t a lot of people with a good basic standard of education out there, people who have at least learnt to raise their hands and wait their turn when they have something to say, people who would at some 10-year point in their formative schooling years have been expected to put together a cogent argument and a capacity for abstract thinking. If nothing else, education teaches one to respect the rights of others and gives you the basic skills to make your case in a reasoned, ‘objective’ manner. And yet, unless you can afford to go to a private school in Turkey, most of us get nothing more than education by rote in public schools where kids only learn to obey authority – and that’s if you even go to school at all. So what does all this mean? It means you often get to see the following ‘argument’ among two grown men in the middle of the street:

“Why are you parking your car there? Is this your dad’s street?”
“Who are you? Who do you think you are?”
“Who do you mean by ‘you’?! Who are YOU? Didn’t your mother teach you manners?”
“You’re talking about my mother? What about YOUR mother? I have to park here.”
“Then park somewhere else, I have to go through. How dare you insult my honor?”
“Then YOU park somewhere else! You’re insulting MY honor!”
“DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME!”
“WHO RAISED THEIR VOICE FIRST!?”

Etc… which eventually segues into a fist fight, and maybe a knife fight, perhaps even a shooting, and maybe even a blood feud. The brilliant incoherence of this ‘dialogue’ is further accompanied by expressive hand signals, usually involving variations of the fingers-and-thumb-tips-bunched-together-being-prodded-into-own-chest-while-making-inane-point, along with the open-palm-pleading-with-occasional-back-of-hand-slapping-into-palm-of-other-hand-while-making-tsk-tsk-tsk-sounds to indicate frustration and futility at the opposite person not seeing everything 100% from his own point of view. Add the fact that we’re incapable of abstraction and tend to consider everything from a personal perspective, and you’ll find it no wonder why we waste half our lives in ridiculous conflicts that could easily be resolved with a little mutual respect and cool-headedness.

But how do these situations arise in the first place? Remember that bit about education at least teaching people to pay heed to others’ rights, which teaches kids that forsaking your own immediate short-term interests for the interests of the whole actually serves your purpose better in the long run and leads to a relatively functional social contract in densely populated urban environments? Well, you can scrap that idea in our education system. What we learn instead is that unless there’s an authority figure to impose order and obeisance (father/state/teacher/imam), or unless you’re dealing with family, then all you have is competitive chaos in which you doggedly pursue your own immediate short term interests and try to beat others to it by infringing on everyone else’s rights for the selfish benefit of your own.

That means you try to get your car in a lane first by dangerously blocking off other vehicles and nearly running over pedestrians; that means you cut in a queue where possible; that means you don’t look around you when you walk but just jump out in people’s way and start walking a straight line to your destination while trampling on others’ toes; that means you don’t wait at red lights whether you’re a pedestrian or a driver… and those all mean, of course, lots of people’s interests clashing all the time and leading to quick-tempered arguments in which everyone’s losing their shit at the first indignant retort – all no doubt augmented by poor infrastructure, repressive social norms, copious amounts of caffeine-loaded black tea, and chain-smoking nicotine-fueled vitamin-C-deficient ire.

What we’ve learnt to do as Turks is to normalize this expression of rage, and even expect it. We’ve realized that, all things considered, it actually helps to go completely off the handle instead of letting it all get pent up inside. But what we fail to realize is that all those confrontations actually do sometimes add up to occasionally relieve themselves in the extreme form of ‘cinnet’ (‘jeen-net’, literally meaning ‘demons/djinnie’): a form of temporary insanity, or ‘possession’, when the proverbial poo really hits the proverbial fan. Perhaps the one consolation is that our normalization of instant gratification of anger actually serves a merciful carry-on effect when the ‘cinnet’ strikes, because that also necessitates an instant satisfaction, rather than a seething bottled-up anger which can lead to permanent psychopathy. Instead, what we get with ‘cinnet’ is instant action, usually leading to a sometimes-fatal lashing out at those in one’s immediate vicinity, before the neighbors and/or authorities intervene. So at least we don’t end up with elusive serial killers… just explosive mini-psychopaths who run amok in a single violent spree before being arrested or blowing their own brains out at the end.

I guess that’s one way to put a positive spin on our gratuitous aggrophiliopathy.

1/24/08

101 things we need to stop tolerating



1. Red nail polish. I don't know why this is popular again but it's even worse this time around because short nails are also popular. So whereas in the 70s red nail polish with long nails had a sort of raunchy wild slutty sexiness to it, now it looks like women have stubby little boy fingers that are bleeding at the tips. It's gross. It just goes to show that women have no idea what guys like because they're too busy caring about what other women like.

2. Make up. Wow, that's a nice thick layer of chemical gunk you've got plastered all over your face. Can we see your real face now please?

3. Ironic t-shirts. We get it, you have a sense of humor, now tell your clothes to shut up.

4. Whistling. Tweet tweet tweeeeeet... I'm extremely self-conscious... Tweet tweet tweeeeeet tweet... I'm pretending that this incredibly annoying high pitched squeaky noise I'm emitting actually sounds pleasant to my ears... Tweeeeet tweet tweeeeeet... I'm a birdbrained prat.

5. Pets. As lovely and adorable and amazing as animals are, unless you actually need them to protect your campfire or help you hunt and track food, you have no business living in the same confined space with an animal. You should probably also stop talking to them since that's usually the first sign of derangement.

6. Tattoos. Ok, if you're a hardass criminal or a member of some sort of toughass crime syndicate that cuts off body parts when orders are disobeyed, or you spent time in prison, you deserve to have some kickass tattoos. But what's with all these normal everyday people who have 9-to-5 desk jobs and then get tattoos? It's like a desperate cry for edginess. WAAAA, I want to be tough too, WAAAAA! It doesn't matter if you've got a tattoo of a wolf crushing a serpent-coiled skull in its jaws with flames rising all around it carved into your forehead, there's only one rule for tattoos: if you pay taxes and earn a salary and don't happen to be Polynesian, you are forbidden from owning tattoos.

7. If you must have a tattoo... Then make it so big and bold and visible that it can give you a degree of kickassedness. Any smug and safe little tattoos on the shoulderblade, above the ass, or on the ankle, deserve to be carved out with a spoon.

8. Dreadlocks. Are you a teenager? No? Well, are you Jamaican? Hm? No? Ok then NO DREADLOCKS FOR YOU.

9. Fatness. Why is everybody fat? Ok some people have a disorder, but they're like zero point zilch percent of all fat people. The rest EAT TOO MUCH. Stop eating so much. Your brain and heart and liver need a break already.

10. Yoga. I'm not saying get rid of yoga, because it's actually great, because you stretch a lot and breathe and do a good tough meditative workout, but can't we get rid of all the ridiculous New Age philosophizing that goes with it? Honestly, do we have to know about chakras and karma when it's good enough to know that yoga exercises are just good for you and leave it at that? Or if you are going to talk about chakras and karma, could you at least please not do it in that incredibly whiny voice as you tilt the head, squint the eyes, over-articulate every word and top it off with that smug smile as if you're telling us something groundbreakingly amazing that will change our entire universe forever? Stop using it to act like you're better than everyone else.

11. Vanity surgery. Hahahaha, look at your perfect little nose, hahahahaha, look at your incredible degree of insecurity and desperation and low self-esteem, hahahahaha, look at those silicon balloons you paid some guy to stuff into your chest, hahahahaha, nobody loves you and you hate yourself and you're going to die all alone, hahahahaha.

12. Humming. Music should not be mumbled under your breath. Here's a tip: if you really like a song you should either put on your earphones and play it on your iPod, OR sing it at the top of your lungs wherever you happen to be. Humming is like when you get a craving for chocolate and settle for an apple. Fuck the apple, go for the hot fudge double whipped cream sundae with nuts on top and a deep-fried banana. Sing it at the top of your lungs.

13. Soft drinks. Honestly, why would anybody pick a fizzy sweetened carbonated bottle of disgusting gassy sludge when they could have ice water, fresh fruit juice, or even tea? Soft drinks are the proof that we're basically a bunch of chimpanzees. "OOOO THIS HAS THE MOST SUGAR! I'LL DRINK THIS ONE!"

14. Escalators. We all need to walk more, so either elevators or stairs. Anything in between is something we can do without. Are you crippled? No? Then walk.

15. Segways. Read above.

16. Pony tails on men. Enough said.

17. Conceptual art. I know many have gotten away with seeming like they're really artists thanks to conceptual art, because it's really easy, but I suspect that in a few decades or so when a new generation of kickass artists emerges under a brilliant new movement which will prove nothing less than a neo-renaissance, they'll look back on the stuff that's being created today and be like we are today when we think back on Milli Vanilli. You know, that feeling like even your stomach's wincing?

18. Facebook. Here's a revolutionary new idea for online social networking without all those cutesy applications for which life is too short: it's called EMAIL. I think it's going to be the next big thing.

19. Anti-spam. Um, what's the big deal about having to click a box and then click "delete" when you get an email you don't want? Why are people on anti-spam crusades? Is THAT not a waste of your time?

20. Toe rings. So let me get this straight: you went out of your way to think of, shop for, pick out, and then pay money to acquire a metal ring to slip on your middle toe? Could you possibly be more self-obsessed?

21. Men's accessories. Sorry guys, I know you think those leather strings tied around your necks and wrists with shark's teeth and amulets dangling off them are really sexy to you, but what those say to the rest of us is that you're the sort of guy who burns incense and looks in the mirror when you masturbate.

22. Ponchos. Are you a Patagonian gaucho? No? Then it's time for you to take off the poncho.

23. The Beatles. Could there be a more overrated group of musicians? "Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away and now it looks as if they're here to stay". Wow, brilliant. This is the sort of music children listen to.

24. CDs. Aren't we tired of all the skipping and freezing and twitching already? We used to have vinyl records and tapes that lasted a lifetime and even sounded better. Now we have to buy a new CD player every three years and replace our favorite CDs and DVDs every two years because they get fucked up so easily. Thanks for that, dear fat greedy music industry.

25. Being proud of being good at backgammon. Backgammon's basically like checkers with dice, so it's time for you to get over yourself Mr. Amazing Backgammon Player. If you really want to impress yourself then start playing some chess.

26. Catching cold. Are you a baby? No? Then you have no excuse for catching cold. (And yes, you can not-catch cold if you want to)

27. Honking. Oh wow, thanks to your honking the traffic has now all cleared up and everybody will get to where they're going a lot faster than if you'd never honked! The more you honk, the more amazingly quickly all your traffic problems will be solved! So keep honking retard.

28. Robert Mugabe. Why are there not planes of every country dropping bombs on Robert Mugabe's face as we speak? What are we waiting for? If only he had some WMDs or was developing a nuclear bomb or something. Instead he's building a giant toilet to flush Zimbabwe down.

29. Male pampering. Remember: you're a man. Women don't expect you to be pretty, they only expect you to be two things: tough and clean.

30. Shampoo. The most useless product ever invented. All it does is make your hair all fluffy and gay so they can then sell you hairgel, which chokes your scalp and gives you dandruff, so then you have to buy anti-dandruff shampoo, which makes your hair dry and brittle, so then you also have to buy shampoo for dry hair, and then your hair starts falling out because you're putting so much shit into it, so you have to start going to a trichologist and buy even more special haircare products to keep your hair from falling out even more. It's a whole industry invented to take advantage of our amazing degree of hair-obsessed vanity.

31. Pork abstention. You think pigs are filthy? Have you ever seen how chickens live?

32. Metaphysics. Stop believing in stupid shit.

33. Astrology. Read above.

34. Charging people for education and health. These should be free, otherwise what good is having a state to pay taxes to? So it can buy useless tanks and fighter planes?

35. Religion. Oh, so you think God told an angel to tell a prophet to tell you that you'll go to heaven after you die if you believe what he says or else you'll burn forever in a terrible place called hell? What are you, four years old?

36. Creationism. If you don't even believe in evolution, then it's time for you to get an education and stop being a moron.

37. Taking ourselves seriously in front of others. It's ok to take yourself seriously from inside, but to not have a sense of humor about yourself in front of others means you're insecure about yourself, which means you're not happy with yourself, which means you suck, which explains why people don't want to hang out with you much.

38. Nationalism. Oh, wow, so some people back in history who spoke a language similar to yours did great things? You must be very proud of them. What have you done lately that would make them proud of you? (Tossing off to maps of when your country used to be a great empire doesn't count)

39. Flags. Could there be anything more puerile than waving a flag? It's like you're waving your retardedness around for the world to see. DUUUH LOOK AT ME I BELONG TO A COUNTRY DUUUUUH

40. National anthems. Sonorous vomit.

41. Ufology. Oh, so you're an expert on UFOs? Question: How do you become an expert in something that is by definition "unidentified"? That means you're an expert in... nothing?

42. Bush bashing. Too late. He won, we lost. Get over it.

43. Freemasonry. There's a time and a place to wear capes and masks, give yourself cool titles, conduct elaborate ceremonies with your friends, and swear oaths of secrecy. It's called kindergarten.

44. Saying hello after you call someone who has just answered the phone and said "hello". This is a Turkish habit. I answer "hello?" and the person who has just called me (presumably for a reason) says "hello?" back (seriously). Hey Einstein, WHY ARE YOU CALLING ALREADY?

45. Arguing over whether it's Greek Coffee or Turkish Coffee. I know, how about IT'S BOTH?

46. Coldplay. Why would you listen to Coldplay when you could listen to Radiohead instead? Coldplay is what 30-something yuppie couples listen to while drinking red wine and playing Scrabble with other 30-something yuppie couples.

47. Hollywood. Hollywood is what happens when people producing movies are doing too much blow and people watching movies are on a steady diet of sugary fatty overeating. That lethal combination is what produces Wayans brothers movies.

48. Talking about yourself. Save it for your diary. Nobody cares.

49. Continental Europe and Europeans. Boooooooring.

50. North Korea. Isn't it worth going back to war just to save Koreans from that enormous ant farm they have going there? How can a country that can't feed its own people and then threatens other countries into giving them food aid while shaking nuclear weapons in everyone's face, not deserve a resumption of hostilities? If ever a sacrifice has to be made, it's THERE and it's NOW... again.

51. Cocaine. This is you on cocaine: "doyouknowwhyiloveyoumanhuhdoyoudoyouknowwhyiloveyou?becauseyou'reagoodmanyou'relikeabrothertomemanseriouslyidon'tsaythistoanyonebuti'm sayingittoyoumanireallyadmireyoumanbecauseiloveyoulikeabrotherman." This is everyone around you who's not on cocaine : "Shut up." This is your pathetic meek shrivelled little conscience which you are trying desperately to ignore: "can we please go home now please?" This is the sum total of all the voices of reason: TIME TO SHUT UP AND GO HOME.

52. Super cellphones. Why have cellphones turned into Swiss army knives? Why do I need a camera and an MP3 player and a keyboard and internet access? Who's the target market, James Bond?

53. Cirque du Soleil. I'm sorry but if I go to a circus I want my money's worth. I'm expecting at least an elephant, or a dancing bear, or a monkey that can ride a unicycle. That's entertainment. That's funny. But instead I get a bunch of tip toeing gay French ballet-school dropouts in leotards prancing around to New Age music? I'm paying an arm and a leg for choreography? There isn't a single tiger jumping through a hoop, or even a man sticking his head in a lion's mouth. Pathetic.

54. Manhattan. Well at least there's a place where all the world's ambitious overachieving success-whore tossers can be collected and confined. What happens to all the world's ambitious overachieving fame-whore tossers you ask? They go to LA of course.

55. Advertising. Time to get rid of all this peppy aesthetic garbage which is really just corporate voodoo that only works on bourgeois zombies with no soul and vacant-eyed human cattle with no brains and no taste. "Try the new charcoal pizza at Pizza Hut!" No! Go fuck yourself! "Drive the new Audi SPQT&*" No! Go fuck your mother!

56. Political correctness. Actually, political correctness is already a joke, so moving along...

57. Tolerating religion in politics. What makes you think that someone who believes in a holy book is going to respect a constitution above the word of God? What makes you think a God-worshipper is going to respect the sovereignty of the people before the sovereignty of God? What makes you think that someone who thinks what they believe is the undoubted God-given ultimate Truth is going to ever respect your differing opinion? What makes you think that someone who thinks God has told him to convert the world for the sake of his religion or face an eternity in Hell, isn't going to take the first opportunity to either convert or massacre you and your entire family if the opportunity should present itself? Here are some examples of when religious people seize political power: the Bush administration, Sudan, Taleban Afghanistan, and Iran. In other words: Yuck, Yuck, Yuck, and Yuck.

58. Desperate Housewives. It's time for a mercy suicide of all the characters on this show. Sex and the City knew when to call it quits and die already, so why can't you?

59. "...so, you know." Not finishing your sentence properly, but simply letting it trail off with a "sooo, you know" is like the equivalent of saying "sooo, you do the math on how cool I think I am based on what I just said."

60. Berets. Are you Basque? No? Are you Che Guevara? Hm? No? Then bye-bye beret. Even Jean-Paul Sartre looked ugly in a beret. Actually, no, I take that back, he just looked ugly because of his grotesque fish eye.

61. Making silly photo faces. Cut it out idiot! Oh wait, I make silly faces too... Cut it out me!

62. Modeling. Here's a question: why do people who make a living by standing around and looking pretty act so aloof, as if their job was something to be proud of? Oh I know, it's because they're really boring because they have nothing interesting to say because they don't know anything interesting because they have no education so they have to act aloof so as not to let anyone find out how stupid they are when they open their mouths. Ok, now I get it.

63. Anti-copyright piracy. Oh no, Jose - a poor Mexican street vendor who works 14 hours a day to feed a family of five on minimum wage in Mexico City and who has a disposable income of about 2 dollars a week which is barely enough to buy a pirated copy of a Hollywood movie which is all his family has for basic human entertainment to allow them a brief two-hour respite from the indigent misery of their impecunious hell - DIDN'T spend the necessary 20 dollars for a legal copy of Legally Blonde starring Reese Witherspoon! Jose has thereby engaged in a criminal act which is depriving Ms. Witherspoon of royalties that could be used on a gold-plated diamond-encrusted dog collar for her 1200-dollar Shih-Tzu! Oh no, Harry Feingoldbergstein's production company will be in ruins! How will he pay for the blow he likes to snort off prostitutes' asses? Mayhem, chaos, anarchy! Mexicans are threatening American jobs! Help, somebody, please, help! Our standard of living is slipping through our fingers! Will nobody defend the greedy?

64. Men's toes. Nobody should be subjected to the sight of men's hairy toes. If God had intended men's toes to be seen in public he would have given them women's toes. So put on some shoes.

65. Hippies. Could a group of people be any more smug? Have you ever met a hippie who didn't think they were better than you? Have you ever met a hippie who didn't at some point try to give you a condescending lecture on ethics and morality? Have you ever met a hippie who didn't look disingenuous with everything they did? Even when they're having fun, dancing, playing music or just sitting around doing nothing, they still have that affectedly calculating look in their eyes like they'd thought of, planned out, and meticulously produced the perfect look they want to project on to others. They're even worse than yuppies, because at least yuppies don't smell like stale semen and carrot juice.

66. Americans complaining about Mexicans. Hey dipshit, those guys are working their asses off for a measly pittance with no social security so you and your country can make an easy buck off of them. You save money off their illegality while reaping the benefits of having a large and desperate workforce of laborers willing to do jobs your fat retarded illiterate burger-eating Oprah-watching porn-addicted ass will not do.

67. Mexicans complaining about Americans. Hey pendejo, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the reason millions of your fellow citizens are fleeing their own country even at the risk of death precisely because your own country has been a failure in providing basic human standards of living for its own citizens? Dear Mr. Mexican President, instead of complaining to your American counterparts about the shameful status that illegal aliens have to endure in the U.S., what if you provided, say, jobs, potable water, electricity, education and decent health care for your own citizens so they don't feel the desperate need to flee their own homeland? How can you not provide a decent standard of living for your own people and then chide the Americans for not providing a decent standard of living for your own people? After all, you have one of the 15 biggest economies in the world. Oh, that's right, you can't provide for your own people, because all the White Mexicans own and run the country and have the money and they don't want to share any of it and they'd rather hoard their riches and barricade themselves behind bulletproof windows and steel doors and armed guards and high-voltage cables and barbed wire and towering walls. Too bad. But at least now you know why your country is fucked up, right Mr. Mexican President? Oh wait, you don't care, because you're one of those rich White Mexicans! Oh well, back to the empty rhetoric and false patriotism then. QUE VIVA MEXIblah blah blah

68. Racism. You know what? We're ALL mongrels, because if we weren't we'd all be inbred retards and we'd all die out because we wouldn't have enough genetic diversity to deal with diseases or climate change. So you know what that makes racists? Stupid mongrels who are ignorant enough about basic biology to actually form a political platform that they have no clue is actually based on an ideal that would make mankind devolve into groups of inbred retards who would be wiped away by the latest version of the flu virus. Nice going, racists. Then again, there may be a genius to racism in the sense that it might be life's way of weeding out the stupider and more redundent genes from the gene pool. Maybe we should just let them follow their instincts and go off to some Aryan farm in Paraguay or Brazil or Montana where they can die out with the other retarded descendents of German anti-semites like Elizabeth Forster-Nietzsche.

69. Love. Could anything be more inconvenient than love? You fall in love with someone, everything's fine, and then the person you're now in love with doesn't love you anymore and just says bye bye, and you waste months sometimes years pining away and obsessing incessantly over that person amid bouts of guilt, shame, insecurity and panic. Wow, isn't love wonderful! Unfortunately we can't stop falling in love, because it keeps us all fucking and thus keeps the human race alive, but if it was possible to get rid of one human emotion forever, love would be the ticket... or no, actually jealousy would be the one to get rid of.

70. Jealousy. Guess what, you're not special, there's a million people just like you, and your place can be taken like THAT at a moment's notice if you're not on your toes. But that's no excuse to flip out either. What you have to do is stop being a baby, show some self-confidence, and stop making her think you're too insecure to be her man by going apeshit everytime she talks to some other guy. Sometimes she'll test you and want you to be jealous, which is fine. Just don't get to the point where everytime her phone rings you have to ask her who it is. (For more ranting and raving on this subject, read Land of Green-Eyed Monsters)

71. Anemophobia. As far as I know, this is something peculiar to Germans and Turks, and most of you aren't going to believe this but... how do I put this... and I'm not kidding here... um... ok, Germans and Turks fear... drafts. Air drafts. Seriously. They fear... wait, I'm trying to get through this without laughing... they fear the air blowing on their faces, because they think it'll make them sick (I'm not kidding). When you get on a bus or in a car and you open the window and the wind blows, Germans and Turks close the windows. I'm dead serious here. This is for real. No wonder they lost the First World War. Battlefields can be terribly drafty.

72. Representational government. It's time we all learnt to speak and act for ourselves and stopped complaining on and on about politicians. Most of us don't even know who's representing us in parliament anyway, so why don't we just ignore all of them, pretending they don't exist anymore, and start over.

73. Valedictorians. Oops, I just had a fantasy where I machine-gunned all the valedictorians in the world. Is that bad?

74. Nation states. Nationalism is stupid. States are massive organized crime syndicates. Therefore nation states are big stupid organized crime syndicates. Time to evolve on to culturally polymorphous megacity states in which citizenship is defined by style of living, not stupid nationalistic myths and tales of heroism founded on idealized warfare.

75. Greek bashing. This one's for the Turks. You have to think of the poor Greeks' point of view and take it easy on them. Imagine if Turks lost Istanbul and were only left with Ankara and Izmir... Yuck, right? Well that's what's happened to the poor Greeks. They lost Constantinople and are now left with Athens and Thessaloniki. Yeeesh, have some sympathy.

76. Calling people hypocrites. Hypocrisy is IN, it's COOL, it's HIP, it's NOW, especially if you're insincere about it. Hypocrisy is the new punk.

77. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Uh, what happened there guys? There we were in the 80s enjoying your straight and easy bucket of chicken and potato salad, and now the potato salad's gone and you've got all these ridiculously difficult menu combos that demand all sorts of algorithms just so we can figure out what to order so we can have everything we want in front of us. Why can't I get a corn cob, a tub of coleslaw and three pieces of chicken - one breast, one leg, one thigh - in a single menu? Why don't you have potato salad anymore? Who are you KFC and what have you done with Colonel Sanders?

78. God. Why the fuck is this god thing still around? Time to grow up, Human Species.

79. Reliability. Wow, you said you'd be there and you were. You said you'd call me and you called. You said you'd do it and you did it. That's great and all, but haven't you heard? Reliability in a friendship is only important when you REALLY need it, on the bad days when you need to be bailed from jail or you need some back up in a bar fight. Otherwise reliability on a good day is a tiring burden which has to be reciprocated. It's like having a Swiss quartz stopwatch to time your boiled egg.

80. The greeting kiss. HIIIIIIII! Muah! HELLOOOOOOOO, muah, muah! SOOOOO GOOD TO SEE YOUUUUU, muah, muah, muah, WE SHOULD HAVE COFFEE SOMETIME! muah, muah, muah, muah, CALL MEEEEE! muah, muah, I HAVE NO SOUL MY LIFE IS HOLLOW AND EVERYTHING I SAY IS MEANINGLESS! muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, OH NO, I'M COUGHING BLOOD BECAUSE MY BODY IS REJECTING MY PERSONALITY! muah muah, WE SHOULD ALL GET TOGETHER SOMETIME IN HELL! muah, BYEEEEEE!

81. Wanting to be famous. Please oh please Satan, take my soul... wait, where is it? Has anyone seen my soul? No? Um, will you take a big bloated worthless ego instead?

82. Crayons. They taste like shit.

83. Billboards. OK I GET IT, TWO FOR ONE SALE AT THE PERSIAN CARPET EMPORIUM, NOW STOP SHOUTING AT MY CAR AND GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN SEE THE VIEW ASSHOLE.

84. Aristocrats. Your ancestors were squirrel-like monkeys too you know, so get over yourself mr. glorified pig farmer.

85. Royalty. I'm sorry, but we've already invented the modern Republic, so why do you still have an inbred German housewife with silly clothes and a crown on her head ruling over you?

86. Bandanas. Hey the Pirates of the Caribbean called, they want their prop back... oh, and they also want you to stop being such a douche.

87. Sunglasses in a nightclub. Gee, where do I begin?

88. Real tennis. This is what happens when you have an aristocracy like in England. You end up with a bunch of eccentric twits who still learn Latin at school and play stupid sports like "Real Tennis", which is obviously just a euphemism for Gay Tennis. You should see this game too; you'd wish Andy Roddick would just jump on the court, snap their piddly wooden rackets in two, and shove it up their asses before playing air guitar on their face. (no homopsychosexual interpretations allowed on this comment, so just move on down to no. 89)

89. Photos. There should be a new policy on photo sharing and publishing: No photos of you unless people ask to see them. Also photos with historical monuments in them are forbidden, unless the historical monument happens to be burning at the time (which would actually be pretty cool to see). Also, no more posing for photos. If you want to take photos of your friends take them without bumming out the mood and telling everybody to stop what they're doing and start smiling and looking at the camera and saying cheese. Trust me, everybody will be less annoyed by you and the photos will actually be more interesting and surprising than if your friends were just smiling stupidly back at your camera.

90. British food bashing. Fuck off, British food is good. Fish and chips and sandwiches and pies and pickled eggs and bacon and beans and sausages and peas and mushrooms and kippers and all those traditional dishes they have which you've never tasted or heard of is good, simple, hearty, and tasty, so fuck off. You know what food sucks? Your pissy-ass anaemic vegetarian rabbit food that's soooo good for you, that sucks. Get some iron in your blood already.

91. The Soul. Sorry to spoil the party, but the idea that there's a magical wonderful immaterial part of you that is immortal and that harbors the essence of who you are, is a little too good to be true isn't it? It sounds a little like cheating, like you know your greatest fear is death, and then this soul thing comes along and suddenly death is nothing to be afraid of. Well guess what, that "soul" of yours is your consciousness, and that resides in your brain, and your brain will have been dead a long time before the worms have already started using your synapses as earrings.

92. Middle Eastern machomen. Honestly, your machismo may pass for normal in Egypt or Turkey or Pakistan or Lebanon or Iran or wherever women are in danger of a beating if they laugh in your face and have no right to speak anyway, but in countries where women are liberated and no longer considered the property of men, you guys look like gross sleazy assholes whom any self-respecting female wouldn't touch with a sterilized twelve foot pole. Seriously. It's time you realized this and adapted accordingly. Work on your strengths instead, like your sense of humor or your natural facility at showing and giving affection. Women love that. Just stop trying to be sexy, because it looks like roadkill. Trust me on this, I'm trying to help you, because the more of you there are getting laid, the less terrorists we'll all have to deal with.

93. Middle Eastern machomen, part 2. Also please stop assuming that just because liberated women can have sex without fear of being burried to their necks and having rocks thrown at their heads until they die, that they'll simply welcome any advance from any guy and sleep with them like they're just getting their hair done or something. Just remember that before acting all cocksure and arrogant around them. It's like when heterosexuals think that when any two homosexual men meet they would naturally instantly want to fuck each other, and they get all confused when they find out that people don't become homosexual to necessarily fuck every other homosexual on the planet. In other words, just because people CAN have sex without fear of being torn to pieces by an irate mob of sexually repressed pious people, doesn't mean they will always now be having sex whenever the opportunity presents itself to them in, say, the form of YOU.

94. Creative writing courses. Go on, go back to university, go take a well-recommended certified writing course delivered by an award-winning author who's sold millions of books and learn how to become another boring run-of-the-mill bourgeois fiction writer with impeccable technique and zzzzzzzzz... sorry, were you writing something?

95. Reincarnation, metempsychosis, transmutation. C'mon, do you really think you have a soul that's going to reside in the body of a zebra after you die? Will you believe in ANYTHING just to get over your fear of death? Why is the idea that when you're dead you're dead seem so unacceptable to you? Why do you think you're so important and special? Why do you love yourself so much that you can't bear to part with yourself? Why are you so vain?

96. Religious headscarves. It seems the rationale behind headscarves is sexually repressed men thinking "Oh no, if I see a woman's hair i'll get all excited and turned on and I won't be able to control myself and I'll have to rape her and then I'll go to hell for sinning!" Could you have a weaker mind with even less will power please? Are you that much of a slave of your impulses? Honestly, imagine these guys having sex. It'd be over as soon as they see a neck or an ankle, which would be approximately 2.6 seconds into undressing and still about a good minute before even foreplay has begun. Do yourselves a favor and see AS MUCH OF THE FEMALE ANATOMY AS POSSIBLE so you don't splooge at the sight of a single painted female toe. Because of you and your laws, the poor women already have to cover themselves and thereby stifle their most basic urge to exhibit their beauty so as to attract potential mates, so it's your responsibility to at least give them some good loving at home to make up for the repression you're putting them through. Their libido needs satisfying and your absolute lack of control over your own mind and body ain't gonna be up to it.

97. Solitaire. Geez, at least do something that necessitates a bare modicum of mental effort. Even minesweeper's more challenging. Playing solitaire is like rearranging your cutlery drawer.

98. Polyphonic ringtones. Wow, so that's your favorite song that comes up everytime your phone rings? Gee, I'm so glad I know that. That now makes you stand out in my mind from the other commuters on the bus. You're special.

99. Greatness. Trust me, whatever amazing marvelous thing you think you have to contribute to the universe, it's probably already been done. Face it, you're just an enormous egomaniac who lost a parent when they were very young, correct?

100. Being scared of bees. Trust me again, that tiny little insect is not out to kill you with its mildly irritating sting that may cause a slightly annoying itch, so sit down, finish your sandwich, and stop being a pussy.

101. Decimally determined listing. It's all about the prime numbers now bitch!