7/25/17

On the sixth day, God created Man


I always found it a little odd that what must've been the most miraculous moment in a religious universe, the moment God created the first person, is given such a brief and matter-of-factly mention in the Bible. But I'm sure day six of creation week must've been one of high excitement, drama, intensity, and a lot of debate, which a cursory "and God created man [sic] in his own image" doesn't seem to do justice to. After all, you're creating a being in your own image to rule over all the things you created in the previous five days. Sounds like a big moment! So here's how I imagine it would've gone down on the sixth day of creation as God created humans.

God: Aaaaand... there. Done. Angels, will you come in here a second?

Lucifer: They're all asleep. Can I help?

God: Asleep? In heaven?

Lucifer: Yeah. It's kinda boring here in case you haven't noticed.

God: Well things are about to get a lot more interesting.

Lucifer: Why? Did you decide to create dragons after all?

God: No, no dragons. I did dinosaurs, I don't need to make dragons as well. Besides, I already went ahead with that crazy giraffe idea I had a few days back.  I think that's enough creativity for one day.

Lucifer: So what do you want to show me?

God: Behold, I have created... MAN!

Lucifer: Man? This guy here?

God: Yes! MAN!

Lucifer: Stop shouting, I can hear you, I'm right here. And turn the thunder off, it's really annoying.

God: I just thought it should have a dramatic introduction.

Lucifer: Try a gong next time. Besides, he looks kind of underwhelming compared to some of the other stuff you created. Like what about those tigers? Those were pretty awesome.

God: Well, you're mistaken. Not about the tigers, they certainly are awesome, but about Man. Because Man here is what is about to become master of all creation, everything, the fish, the birds, the trees, the whole shebang.

Lucifer: This guy here? He doesn't even have horns... or wings, or claws, or sharp teeth. Look at him, he's just picking his nose. Does he even have a name?

God: Name?

Lucifer: Yeah, name.

God: Why does he need a name?

Lucifer: Everyone has a name. I have a name, Lucifer. You have a name, Jeho...

God: Don't say it! You're not allowed to say it! Hm, but maybe you're right. He should have a name I guess. How about... Steve?

Lucifer: Steve?

God: No? Something more dramatic then. How about Tamerlane? Aristotle? Confucius?

Lucifer: I'd suggest you keep it simple. I mean look at him.

God: Adam? Did you say Adam?

Lucifer: What? No, I said look "at him".

God: Adam. I like that actually.

Lucifer: You seem a little tired. Look, don't you think you're rushing into this? I mean you've only been doing this creation thing for five days so far and in just six days you want to throw in a master of all creation? You should think this through. What if he screws everything up? I know I keep saying this, but seriously: Look. At. Him. Do you know how long you worked on creating the fine chemistry of the oceans, with all those currents and the gulf stream and everything? Remember how amazing your water creation was? Water was a stroke of genius, I have to say. Now who's to say this moron doesn't just fill the whole ocean up with trash, melt all the ice, and eat up all the fish? Look in his eyes, he's stupid. He really is. He just farted, by the way.

God: Pfff, how's he going to fuck everything up? I made him in my own image, he's perfect!

Lucifer: Ugh, here we go.

God: He's got my spirit and I gave him a big big brain compared to animals. He's magnificent! He'll do fine.

Lucifer: Really? He looks awkward and he has a greedy, devious, violent look in his eyes. I don't like him. Plus he looks too proud, not great at communication, a little domineering, and just kind of... I don't know. Lazy? Opportunistic? This Man thingy looks so much more inferior to dolphins. Dolphins are great! I love the dolphins. Why don't you make them the masters of all creation and the center of the universe?

God: I forgot to give them opposable thumbs, okay? I fucked up. Sorry. Anyway look, it's done. I'm tired. I've spent the last five days making literally everything in the universe. EVERYTHING. Mushrooms, colors, volcanoes, marshmallows, black holes, clouds, walruses. You think that's easy? Sometimes I'm not thinking straight. Sometimes I'll go a little kookoo and make a kangaroo or a platypus. I'll admit it, the platypus is ridiculous. I don't know where I thought of that one. In fact, everything I did in Australia was just insane. I could've used some coffee when I was creating that whole continent. I was so tired I just left the whole middle bit desert. But that was yesterday and this is today. It's now day six, I made Man, and I just want to kick back and spend tomorrow relaxing, okay? So I don't need your lip right now.

Lucifer: Hey, you're the one who asked my opinion. I was perfectly happy basking by the manna pool tanning in the heavenly glow. But you wanted my opinion, and you got it. Personally I would suggest you hold up on this Man stuff. You're tired and this particular creation just looks, I don't know, wrong. How do you know this guy can even manage all of creation? He looks like he'd fuck the whole delicate balance up in a few thousand years, everything you worked so hard to craft and hone. He looks like he'd just want to keep growing, keep consuming, keep getting more and more powerful until everything goes to shit. He looks like if you gave him all those cows and sheep and fruit and stuff, he'd just go fat. He would! Don't laugh. I think he'd just go fat. Also, if they're going to be the lords of creation and all, don't you need more of these Mans?

God: Men.

Lucifer: Why's the plural of Man Men? Why not Mans?

God: I don't know, I screwed grammar up as well, I kept waffling between one rule and another and I created a bit of a mess, so now there's all these weird rules all mixed up together. At the end of it I got so bored and tired I couldn't even think up a plural for sheep. But I digress. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm going to make more of these Men.

Lucifer: How?

God: I have a plan. I'm going to send this guy, Adam, into deep sleep, and then... now bear with me here, this is going to sound kind of weird...

Lucifer: I'm already worried.

God: No wait, hear me out. I'm going to take one of his ribs...

Lucifer: Oh boy.

God: Wait, let me finish. I'm going to take a rib and make it a... um... Woman.

Lucifer: A what?

God: A Woman. So then the Man and the Woman can have... sex. No wait, they can get married, then they can have sex. Remind me to write that rule down at some point: first marriage, then sex. So after they have sex, presto! They have children.

Lucifer: Wow. Really? A rib? You're going to make her from a rib?

God: Yes, a rib, do you have a better idea?

Lucifer: Whatever, that's fine I guess. You could have just as easily made her out of a toe or a nipple I guess, so a rib sounds relatively reasonable. But wait. How are you going to get more of these Men in the world?

God: Well, like I said, they have children, and then... um...

Lucifer: Yes?

God: The children have children...

Lucifer: You didn't think this through, did you? The children are having children? So what, brothers and sisters having sex with each other? Does that sound right?

God: I don't know, I just made this all up. It sounded perfectly reasonable at the time.

Lucifer: I'll grant you it's not bad for an idea that you only had A DAY to develop. But inbreeding sounds a bit creepy, don't you think? I mean, I don't trust this Adam guy as it is. What if all those other inbred Men that he and this Woman create to populate the earth just get worse and worse? Plus I think you need to make the earth way bigger and put waaaaay more gold and oil and minerals and shit in there. These imbeciles are going to suck that shit right out of the earth and fuck up that intricate climate thing you had going, and they look like they're going to be unapologetic assholes about it too.

God: You are so pessimistic. It'll be fine. I'm going to put them in a garden...

Lucifer: What, Eden? We like Eden, we hang out in Eden, it's our favorite garden. Why would you put these idiots there?

God: I don't know, because I feel like it. Why will people in the future have aquariums? Who knows? It's that kind of thing. Anyway, so they'll have kids and...

Lucifer: I bet their kid murders the other kid; that's how much I don't trust this Man project you have going.

God: Seriously, can you hear how much of a wet blanket you're being? I think you're forgetting that I AM GOD. I am THE MASTER OF EVERYTHING. In case you haven't noticed, this isn't a democracy I'm running here. I'm not hosting a roundtable forum for people to share their ideas and express opposing viewpoints. Why would I need that? I'm GOD. I'm PERFECT. You know that sarcastic question "Who do you think you are, God?" Well I'm the only being in the universe that can answer: "Yes. I am God." So if I asked for your opinion, you're free to give me some tips and pointers, but that's it. At the end of the day you have to agree with me, okay? I'm sorry to have to put this to you bluntly but you seem not to get it. Michael gets it, Gabriel gets it, even Azrail gets it. But you never get it. You just...

Lucifer: Okay okay, calm down, you're causing earthquakes and shit down there, and you just made the earth a few days ago.

God: Well then stop pushing my buttons!

Lucifer: What's the Woman's name, by the way?

God: The Woman's name? I don't know. I always liked the name Rochelle.

Lucifer: Wow, so if naming were up to you, which of course it is, the first masters of creation, the very first Man and Woman to walk and populate the earth would be Steve and Rochelle?

God: Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Lucifer: What's wrong with that is Rochelle sounds like a stripper and Steve sounds like a lonely balding 48 year-old man getting a lap dance from her on a Monday night, that's what's wrong with that.

God: Okay, I'm not married to Rochelle. How about... Eve?

Lucifer: That's better I guess. Although Adam and Eve sounds like the name of a porn shop.

God: Myeh, I like it. I'm going with Adam and Eve. It has a certain ring to it. Come on, help me get these guys down into Eden.

Lucifer: What am I, your elf? Just move them yourself. Suspend gravity for a bit, float them over there, and drop them off. Abracadabra, blippetty bloop. Why do you need my help?

God: Because it would be nice if I knew you were on board with this thing. Whatever. Look, honestly, it's nearly midnight, the sixth day is almost over, and I don't care anymore. I just want to make them and send them out. If there's any problems that show up later, and stuff I didn't cover, I'll just... I don't know... fix it later.

Lucifer: Fix it later? What like, talk to people from the sky and tell them to up their game?

God: No, not like that. That sounds scary, I don't want to scare people. I could send... prophets?

Lucifer: Prophets?

God: Yeah, you know. Tell them stuff that they can tell other Men.

Lucifer: Okay, but are these prophets going to be Men too?

God: Well yeah, obviously.

Lucifer: Then how would Men know if those other Men aren't just normal Men like themselves who are just lying to influence people to do whatever shit they want them to do, or who are mentally deranged and do actually think they're prophets when they're really just a bunch of looney tunes who need serious psychiatric help? These Men look like they wouldn't think twice about lying and manipulating each other when and where it suits them for their own private gain. Pretty soon, Men are going to catch on and think the whole project was bogus to begin with to the point where they'll stop believing in you altogether. Don't say I didn't warn you.

God: Shut up, stop, I just had a brilliant idea.

Lucifer: Okay let's hear it.

God: The prophet is not a man, but me, or rather... my son, so he's, like, part me, part my son, and then part, like Holy Spirit... so he's part man and part God, and then he... yes yes... he dies for the sins of all Men for eternity, and then after getting tortured and crucified or something, he rises from the dead and comes back up here as the... Messiah!

Lucifer: Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down there chief. Where did all that just come from? You sound like you're totally tripping balls. Did you eat some of those spotted mushrooms you created a few days back? Seriously, that's the wackiest thing I've ever heard. But I have to admit, it's pretty creative.

God: Okay, I know, that was a bit far-fetched maybe but I could also just send books. Holy books. It'll all be written down so everyone knows the rules.

Lucifer: Yeah but why would that be any more believable than prophets or that weird half-man half-god Messiah superhero character you came up with? Those prophets could just make stuff up and write whatever they want. Why would anyone believe something just because it's written in a book? Besides, what if all those Men start speaking different languages? Are you going to send a book in every language?

God: No. I'll just send it in the main languages that everyone will speak in the future, the most important languages that all Men will learn and understand through the millennia. I'm God, so obviously I can foresee which languages those will be.

Lucifer: Okay, which ones will they be?

God: You know, the obvious ones. Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek.

Lucifer: Yikes. Seriously? I hope you're right. What if it turns out to be, I don't know, English or something?

God: Ha! English?! That's that tiny island I made in the corner over there by Spain. In fact, I think it was a mistake. I kind of just dripped some earth while I was moving it over towards Africa. You think their barbaric hodgepodge language is going to be spoken anywhere? Gimme a break. Aramaic will be BIG, trust me.

Lucifer: Okay whatever. Look, why don't you spare yourself all that nonsense and just spend a little more time perfecting this Man doohickey that you created before you send him out into the world. Spend, I don't know, a little more than ONE DAY on the master of the universe maybe?! Why don't you take tomorrow off and then get back to work on Monday?

God: No, that's it, I'm done. I don't want to spend another whole week on creating more stuff. I'm tired and I'm bored. Let's say you're right. Let's say they all turn out to be proud and greedy and lustful and murderous and gluttonous, and all that. I'll just send a book and a prophet saying "Those are wrong, those are vices, don't do that." There, problem solved.

Lucifer: Great idea. Then people will just miraculously stop being dicks. They'll just will themselves into becoming perfect because you told them to. Bravo. That's a hell of a plan you have there.

God: If worse comes to worst and everything goes to complete shit, I'll just wash the whole thing up with a big flood. There, problem solved. Then you just start again.

Lucifer: A big flood? That would be your solution?

God: Sure, why not? Just flush the problem away.

Lucifer: It sounds a little childish, don't you think?

God: Oh fuck off, I'm done talking about it.

Lucifer: Look, I'm telling you, this Adam guy is bad news. Look at him, he just found a stick and he's hitting whatever is in reach. Leaves, trees, animals. And he's obviously enjoying it. It's going to take no time for him to make that stick a pointier stick, a more aerodynamic stick made of better wood that flies faster through the air. And then eventually he uses other stuff you put in the earth, like iron, or that plutonium and uranium stuff you made. The sticks are going to get more and more elaborate, more and more dangerous, and soon enough...

God: No way, they'll never figure out iron, let alone plutonium and uranium. I just made that stuff to see how big I could make atoms without them becoming completely unfeasable. Look, just relax and trust me, everything will be fine.

Lucifer: Okay, whatever, go ahead. Do it. I don't care anymore. You made Man, you live with him. Anything else?

God: Um, yes, one more thing.

Lucifer: Yes?

God: You're not going to like this, but... you have to accept Man's dominance over you too.

Lucifer: WHAT?! FUCK THAT!

God: You do, you have to.

Lucifer: Why?

God: Just because.

Lucifer: Oh, just because?

God: Because I'm God and I said so, that's why. It would mean a lot to me. It would show your loyalty.

Lucifer: No. No fucking way.

God: Oh, so it's like that, is it? I'm so sick of your attitude. You can go to hell.

Lucifer: Fine! I will!

God: Fine!

Lucifer: Fine!

God: Bye!

Lucifer: Bye!

God: By the way, don't think you've heard the last of it! I'm sending Men YOUR way, straight down to hell. You know how? I'm going to make a bunch of really stringent, unrealistic, and uptight rules, and anyone who doesn't stick to them goes straight down to you, so then YOU have to deal with them for ETERNITY. You have to keep prodding them with your trident and turning them on a spit and you have to keep that huge furnace of yours burning full blast FOREVER. Only about fourteen people will EVER make it to heaven. The rest ALL GO TO YOU. How do you like that?

Lucifer: You are such a dick.