I finally got around to answering all the emails in my spam folder

Dear Arabella, It's nice to know that you are hot and horny and that you live so close by. Also, congratulations on turning over 18. Happy belated birthday!

Dear Carla, Great to hear that you are hot and horny. I like that you say “you are no angel, but you’ll take me to heaven”. Guess what, I’m no devil but I love deviled eggs! I think we might have something in common. Do you like eggs?

Dear Val, I’m glad you’re so hot and horny as well. Boy, a lot of people sure seem to be hot and horny these days. Now that I’m in my mid-forties, I’m mostly just tired and bitter. So congratulations to you. As for your request to hook up, thanks but I mostly just feel beat at the end of the day. I really just enjoy having a drink or two in the kitchen by myself after the kid goes to sleep, and maybe watch something on YouTube before I doze off on the living room couch. But I will certainly consider your generous offer of a "wet and wild time". Quick question, though: how wet of a time are you planning on exactly? It sounds a little messy. Will we need extra towels, maybe some tarp? You really can't plan these things too far ahead. Thanks, keep in touch!

Dear Candy, You are hot and horny too? Has there been some kind of chemical spill in the water supply? What’s going on here?

Dear Liz, Surprise surprise, you're hot and horny "all the time". You may think that sounds like a good thing, but trust me, it isn't. I've had plenty of experience being hot and horny all the time in the past, and it was torture. It’s really great being hot and horny if you’re at home just kinda hanging out in some skimpy lingerie with some relaxing music on and the lights dimmed low thinking about Dolly Parton… or if you're a girl, I don't know, Dolph Lundgren? It's also great if you’re in a hot tub sipping champagne getting a neck massage from someone whom you're pretending is Dolly Parton or Dolph Lundgren. Or even better, someone who actually is Dolly Parton or Dolph Lundgren. Basically anything involving Dolly Parton or Dolph Lundgren seems to me like it would be conducive to arousing feelings of hotness and horniness. So that's all fine. Otherwise, being hot and horny pretty much sucks. It makes you irritable, clumsy, stressed, distracted, aggressive, and just generally tiresome to be around. Trust me, I have been hot and horny many a time in terrible places and at terrible moments, most of them between ages 16 and 24. I have been very uncomrfotably hot and horny in supermarket queues, the office, in traffic, at dinner, in school, at the beach, in front of my folks, playing tennis, and of course, way too early in a date. Boy, that’s happened a lot. As you probably know, girls do NOT like being asked if they’d like to go back to your place while you're looking at the menu. Actually, you probably wouldn’t mind, Liz, considering you have so generously offered me a "crazy time" in your very first email. By the way, I have taken the liberty of interpreting "crazy" to mean something sexual in a figurative sense. If you are planning on doing something literally crazy, I'm probably not interested. I have found it's best not to hang out with crazy people. So here's a word of advice: if you find yourself in one of those unsavory hot-and-horny-in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time situations, try thinking about something not so sexy. Think about the opposite of Dolly Parton and Dolph Lundgren. Who would that be? I don't know... Amelia Earhart and Paul Simon? Anyone really. Anyone could be the opposite of Dolly Parton and Dolph Lundgren, right? Anyway, I hope that helps.

Dear Free Coupons For Toilet Paper, Really?

Dear Scarlett Johansson, I had no idea you missed me! Wow, wait till I tell my friends! When did we meet exactly, because I think I would’ve remembered that. To answer your question, I haven’t exactly been thinking of you, no, but I certainly am now! Have you been acting in any movies lately? Let me know what’s up! Again, WOW!

Dear WellsFargo, Thanks for yet another balance update. I get it, I have no money, so just back off please with your nosy, opinionated, disapproving "you don't have sufficient funds" mantra. Who are you, my wife?

Dear WalkInBathtubQuotes, While I am not averse to owning a walk-in bathtub, I am also not the Duchess of York. I can take a shower like a normal person. Thanks.

Dear Sexy Russian Girls Looking For Serious Dating, It's such a relief to know you take dating seriously. Not enough people do, in my opinion. I get so many vague open-ended "I'm hot and horny, let's hang out!" emails that I thought there was no hope for serious dating anymore. So this really is a welcome change for me. Now let's get down to brass tacks. We’d need to schedule this at least a week ahead of time so I can arrange for a babysitter, and also possibly a translator, depending on your level of English. I will require a TOEFL score of at least 80, ideally in the 90-100 range, otherwise, I'm going to have to insist on having a simultaneously translator present. We can split the fee between us just to get things going. It's a little extra cost, but well worth it, I think. After all, we don't want things to be awkward between us come date night. I need efficient communication and free-flowing banter, preferably laced with wit, humor, and INTELLIGENT flirting. I cannot stress the INTELLIGENT enough. I can so not stress it enough that I just stressed it again there. While we're at it, I think we should also touch base beforehand to map out an itinerary and throw around some activity ideas based around our common interests, including restaurants, type of cuisine we can both agree on, miniature golf yes or no, movie interests, ice cream preferences, and maybe also where we both stand in terms of anal/oral/bondage. Especially bondage. As you will no doubt have noticed to your complete satisfaction and relief, I take dating seriously too, so this is going to be GREAT. Please reply asap so we can move forward on this, and also let me know who it is I will be dating exactly.

Dear Amazon, Another customer satisfaction survey?! For the biggest online retailer in the world, you come across as being a little insecure.

Dear Mandy, I’m sorry you get horny all the time lately. I know that’s not always pleasant, as I have already explained at length to one of my many hot and horny correspondences. I will copy and paste that text below, as it may prove useful to you too. Good luck with the webchat gig, by the way. I’m impressed by your entrepreneurial spirit and breasts. 

Dear James, I wasn’t aware of any pending payments to the IRS and am troubled that you have started legal proceedings for taxation fraud against me which will result in my deportation. Good thing I read my spam folder now and again.

Dear Emma, yes you have probably finally found me, but just to be certain, could you please confirm I was who you were looking for in the first place to avoid any confusion? Also, why exactly were you looking for me? Is everything okay? You seem like you might be hot and horny.

Dear Sophia, You misspelled “Finally”. And “Tonight”. So no thanks.

Dear FuckbuddyTonight, No I don’t need a fuckbuddy tonight, thank you, but what a coincidence that your name is FuckbuddyTonight!


Dear LinkedIn, Thanks for trying so hard to reconnect me with someone I briefly worked with ten years ago in a different country and whose name I would never have remembered if you hadn’t sent me 46 connection requests in the last 72 hours. But it’s time to just let it go, LinkedIn. The past is past. People move on. Lives change. I appreciate the effort though, I really do. On a positive note, thanks for connecting me with that hot chick I went to school with all those years back in Australia! I'd forgotten all about her till you recommended her. I'm expecting a reply from her on LinkedIn any day now. 

Dear Emma, In answer to your question: I have been here. Where have you been?

Dear Mrs. Edna Vilten, I am very pleased to hear that $1,500,000 has finally been released by the Federal High Court of Benin and that you are seeking to transfer the first payment of $5000 of that sum. To be honest, I have no idea what this is all about, but I must’ve done something right! There is a problem, however. You have stated that you require a $110 activation fee for me to be able to receive the first payment. Unfortunately, I am a freelance writer, and do not have sufficient funds now (or for the foreseeable future) to be able to pay this activation fee. Furthermore, the 24-hour deadline you have given me is far too short a notice for me to put together that kind of money. I could ask my parents, I guess, but they live on the other side of the globe and the time difference poses a major challenge. So if you don’t mind, could you please pay the activation fee on my behalf from there, and then you can just subtract the $110 from the $5000 you’re going to send me. Thanks again! I wish you and your associates Dan Robert, John Richard, and Michael Edward all the best.

Dear Dr. Jane Samuleh, What a coincidence, I just got another email from Benin promising a very generous payment, and now your $3.8 million payment is a very sweet bonus to my day indeed! The $55 security keeping fee you mentioned is certainly doable as I am expecting a $4890 payment from Benin any day now. Thank you, and my regards to your associates, Dan Edward, John Robert, and Michael Richard.

Dear Sadie, I don’t think I blocked you on What’sApp, but if I did, you probably deserved it. Just sayin’. 

Dear Party, I am pleased to hear that you have a party this weekend at home, that it's going to be crazy, that I don’t want to miss it, and that you are waiting for my answer. I certainly am interested. I like a good party like the next person. But before I commit, can you give me a little more information, please? Or any information at all, really. It would be good know who the party is for, what the occasion is, whether I should bring anything, if there is a theme or a dress code, and also where the party is, ideally an address. It would also be good to know the date and time of the party so I can slot it into my calendar. In future invitations, I think you really should provide some of that basic information. Thank you so much for the invite, looking forward to it! 

Dear xxxLindaxxx, thanks for the naked photo, but this is going way too fast for me. Let’s get to know each other first. Tell me a little about yourself, your interests, where you live. Also maybe just put a shirt on next time you send a photo. And don’t forget to include your face. Don’t get me wrong, I love your tits, and I could look at them a long time, believe you me, but even looking at a pair tits gets old after a while, don’t you think? Please find attached a photo of my bicep.

Dear Nicole, Thank you for the compliments and for the offer to connect on What’sApp! That being said, you say you got my contact details from a mutual friend on Facebook, but I am not on Facebook. I’m afraid this leads me to doubt the authenticity of this email. Please call me on What’sApp with the number I’ve provided below to confirm that your are genuinely interested in me and not just playing me for a sucker. Thank you. 

Dear Aunt, I’m good, how are you?

Dear Alison, I wasn’t aware that I owed so much credit card debt. Also, I don’t actually own a credit card. How should we proceed from here? 

Dear GetBigQuick, thanks for the penis enhancement offer! I would first like to consult you as to whether you think I need or am suitable for a penis enhancement. Please find attached a photo of my fully erect penis so your team of doctors can let me know if you think enhancement would be a good way to go for me, or indeed whether you think I need enhancement at all. I have also taken the liberty of including a photo of my testicles, just to give you an idea of proportion. I wouldn’t want my testicles to seem much smaller than my enhanced penis. Which brings me to my other question, do you also do testicle enhancements? If so, how would they work? Please send me a quote for one penis enhancement and one testicle enhancement (which would technically include both testicles, obviously, because I don’t want one testicle to be bigger than the other, just to make that clear). 

Dear GetHardWithoutViagra, Boy, I could’ve used you before answering the last email! Dolly Parton did the trick though.